A really rollicking yet respectfully mournful funeral

What song makes for a really good funeral? I mean, a really rollicking yet respectfully mournful funeral?

People certainly have some odd choices for music to be played when their coffin is being lowered into the ground. Some British group took a survey of popular death music and Adele’s “Someone Like You” is on the list. This seems bizarre. It’s like Adele is not only breaking up with her boyfriend, but she’s breaking up with everyone she ever knew. If you read the lines “Never mind/ I’ll find someone like you” as addressed to an entire group of loved ones, it’s really cold and dismissive. I wonder if the people who pick this song just figure, “It’s sad and people cry at it. We’ll go with Adele.”

Besides, as I’ve said repeatedly, “Someone Like You” annoys rather than moves me. I would be the one dry-eyed person at the procession out of the church where they play this. The song would actually make me feel better if I were upset because I would focus my feelings into a vague aggravation.

A few of the songs on the funeral survey are either appropriate or amusing. “My Way” is maudlin enough that it actually works much better at a gravesite than at karaoke when an old man sings it as people are actually trying to forget their troubles. I’ll give a pass to “Wind Beneath My Wings” because I find it cheesy but it would probably be comforting in the face of death. I guess “My Heart Will Go on” would be fine. “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” totally works for people who have a sense of humor and would laugh to keep from crying.

On the down side, we have “I Will Always Love You,” which is a break-up song and Whitney Houston’s vocals would probably wake the deceased. “Unforgettable” would only be OK if it’s the Nat King Cole version because the one by his crackhead daughter is a creepy duet with her dead father.

And then we have “Wonderful World,” as croaked out by Louis Armstrong. Enough people seem to like this that it’s inevitable that I will go to a funeral one day where they play this. And I will struggle mightily to suppress my laughter at the horrific vocals.

For future reference for anyone who plans on dying someday, here is a list of other songs that might be inappropriate at a funeral: “Blasphemous Rumours” by Depeche Mode, “Dig My Grave” by They Might Be Giants, “All by Myself” by Eric Carmen, “Without You” by Harry Nilsson, “Alone” by Heart, “I Just Called to Say I Love You” by Stevie Wonder, “Mer Girl” by Madonna, “Heresy” by Nine Inch Nails or “Eleanor Rigby” by the Beatles.

You all know the drill with me. Play “Being Boring” by the Pet Shop Boys at my funeral. Seriously.