Will Starve for Oscar

I’m seeing photos of Matthew McConaughey looking like a gaunt pencil for whatever movie he’s doing next. I’m hearing about how Anne Hathaway lost a bunch of weight for Les Miserables, eating something like a square of oatmeal paste or something nasty like that per day.

Eww. If I were an actor and someone approached me with a great part but told me I’d have to emaciate myself to do it, I’d have three words for them. And those three words would be C, G and I. They would just have to reduce the size of my fat ass with technology.

I would have zero desire to eat nothing but air and Saltines for two months to play someone in a North Korean work camp with cholera. It can’t be healthy to lose so much weight in a short period of time. These celebrities usually say they were under doctor’s supervision when they crash diet but I’m skeptical. I’m sure they could find a Dr. Nick Riviera (valedictorian of Hollywood Upstairs Medical College) to referee their starvation. Doctors also supervise brides who lose weight on all-liquid diets, walking around with an IV up their noses, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.

Actors do this sort of thing, altering their bodies like silly putty, for Oscars. Sometimes it works and the last decade or so is littered with Oscar clips of actors and actresses who are unrecognizable. It’s admirable to put oneself through all sorts of training and physical regimens but their must be an easier way, what with 100 years of Hollywood sleight of hand, to get the same effect.

What I would jump at, however, is gaining some weight to make a movie. If I were to alter my body to get some work, I’d rather have some fun doing it. I’d much rather spend six months eating cheese omelets and chocolate-peanut butter ice cream than running 10 miles a day and rewarding myself with a luxurious dinner of kale on rice cakes.

Of course, you can endanger your health by gaining weight quickly just as easily as losing it fast. I wouldn’t go too extreme. I’d take a part with just a little weight gain so I could be a slothful fatass for a few months and then easily get back to normal. Maybe I could land the part of a chubby editor in a searing prestige drama. If I had the proper Method training, I could really commit to something like that.