Lowering the Bar in 2014

Things are hard. Stuff is difficult to do. Accomplishments are annoying. Resolutions are rough. So why make them? This year will be the year I figuratively (and, what the hell, literally) put on sweatpants. I’m lowering the bar in 2014. I’m only going to make resolutions that I know will be really easy to accomplish.

Like a lot of people, I indulged a little too much in chocolate cookies and eggnog and the like this holiday season. Instead of making some doomed resolution to eat healthier, I’m actually vowing to keep right on going. I’m going to the supermarket tonight and everything I buy will be in the processed or frozen foods aisles. I’ll have a Hungry Man microwave dinner and a bag of Chips Ahoy for dessert. All week long, I’ll be ordering Wawa hoagies for lunch at work. Breakfast will be a Pop Tart or two, or maybe leftover takeout. Soda is always on sale so I’ll stock up on Coke by the pallet.

To help my resolution to balloon, I will not set foot in a gym in 2014. I’ll keep paying for Planet Fitness (the wastefulness of which will further my financial goals — see below) but I won’t actually go. No more walking either. I usually walk to close destinations in our neighborhood but now I’m exclusively driving. If one of our neighbors invites us over, I will get in the car, back out of the driveway, pull around front and find a spot. I will probably end up walking more than I did if I could just walk next door but driving more will further my goal of using more gas.

You know what will go perfectly with my resolution to pack on the pounds? Booze. I don’t drink that much but I’m sure as hell going to start. I’m going to go for a bottle before I even get my coat off in the evenings. Some people like to relax with an after dinner drink. I’ll have seven.

As for financial security, who need to work that hard? In 2014, it’s all going out the window. I’ve made strides to manage my debt and pay down the mortgage but it’s much easier to pay only the minimum on my credit cards and take out a few extra home equity loans just for fun. Why worry about interest rates when I can just throw my checkbook in a drawer and laugh a carefree laugh? I’ll also be making more impulse purchases like downloading every new album that comes out regardless of genre, shopping for pants in various lengths in case I grow or shrink, and buying a riding lawnmower and snowplow for our patch of land. It also can’t hurt to make a late payment or two. It’s easier to lower that credit score than raise it so that’s what I’ll be doing.

Culturally, 2014 will be the year I turned off my brain. I got a lot of books this Christmas and while I’m grateful, they’re just going into storage in the basement. How will I have time for literature when there are just so many hours of reality TV? I’ll skip the good reality TV, like the shows you have to have talent to get on, and just watch a ton of Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo and Real Housewives and that show with Kendra Whatever and all the shows where the camera turns on and you just watch people going about their business and copping an attitude whenever the wind shifts.

I will also breathlessly follow the exploits of Kim Kardashian and all her siblings. I can think of no more rewarding way to occupy my year.

Let’s hear it for a really easy 2014!