Most Melodramatic Performance

The room darkens and a video screen begins to play. A woman is fretfully looking out the window at snow flurries.

Mother: Be very, very careful. I wouldn’t drive more than 30 mph on the highway. They say it’s going to be bad out.

Daughter: It’s only going to be 1 to 2 inches and most of it should melt later today. I’m sure it will be fine.

The woman collapses to her knees and begins wailing to the heavens.

Mother: BAAAAAADDD OOOOUUUTTTT!!! THEEEYY SAAAAAAAAIIIDDD!!!

There is applause then the scene shifts. A man walks into his cubicle and takes off his coat. His boss walks over.

Boss: Where were you? It’s almost 9:30.

Employee: Oh, well, uh, my development … you know, the plows …

He trails off. She sighs.

Boss: Everybody else was here at 9. I live twice as far as you do.

Employee: Give me a break, huh? I’ve had bad experiences driving in the snow. Fifteen years ago I almost drove into a ditch!

Boss: Oh! Were you hurt?

Employee (quietly): No but I still have scars … on the inside …

There is applause and the scene shifts again. A husband and wife are eating dinner.

Wife: Ugh. They’re calling for 3 to 6 inches tomorrow. Then it’s more polar vortex temperatures. I just … I can’t take it …

The husband drops his plate and covers his face with his hands.

Husband: Dear God, I just can’t deal with this. And we just had snow a few days ago. Will this winter never end? (He starts to cry bitterly.)

Wife: Are we doomed to be forever blinded by this white hell all around us?!

Husband: I just … we’re moving to Ecuador, OK? Pack your bags. I never want to experience this again. I can’t even look at photos of snow anymore. I hate the color white now.

Wife (hyperventilating): Can’t … stop … complaining …

After more applause, the house lights come up and a woman approaches the podium.

Jennifer Lawrence (opening envelope): And the Oscar for Most Melodramatic Performance in the Winter goes to … Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie! They’re all winners!

Announcer: None of the nominees could attend due to snow related mental illnesses. The Academy accepts their awards on their behalf.