Things to Remember 2015

As always, here are some highlights from Seatowne 14:

Gathering around a deck all day and night with good company

A week of perfect weather

Mini hot air balloons drifting past the sunset and falling into the bay

Acid-washed booty shorts and a peasant top: Don’t Do That

Relaxing on the beach

Music from “God Put a Smile Upon Your Face” to “Last Night I Didn’t Get to Sleep at All”

Airbrushed Seatowne T-shirts

The Seapigs dickey

Rod Stewart CD

Coloring books

A can of Holy Crap!

Teaching kids to build sand sculptures

Shooting douche at the moth on the ceiling

Takeout from Ponzetti’s

Techno bug

Pasta and garlic bread

Toasting the engagement

Wishing someone “Namaste” while buying Namaste beer: Don’t Do That

Waiting an hour for a table at Dogfish Head

The upside down Annie record

Brownies

“Feels So Good”

Talking about poop

It’s fine! (La dee da! La da dee!)

Cheese balls

SUVs getting stuck on the sand

The bang-up job by the cleaning crew

Constructive criticism of coloring

Eggs and bacon

Darkness the Owl

Topher on the beach

Watching the sunset from the dock

Dancing to “Morning Train”

The Air Supply CD

The clock stopped at 6:34 and then falling

“Jit in Your Face”

“Xanadu” dance party

Mushroom bake

The tent blowing inside out

Full moon and high tide

BBQ using the cheese grater to flip burgers

Another relaxing week with friends

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera

See you next year!

Tan

This summer, I am that little kid who will only go inside if his parents call his name down the block and all the streetlights come on and he has exhausted his last appeal.

I turn from Dracula to George Hamilton. Skin once china white from hunkering indoors in a summer of discontent has gone atypically tan as I hang onto a pool noodle and look at the clouds. I have spent an entire summer lingering outside, telling myself I will go inside when the next cumulonimbus moves to the horizon only to linger until the next front goes by.

But I will not go in. I will soak up as much sun as I can until the breeze hardens and the sun collapses. I will only end the summer when nature takes its choice from me. Do not call me to come inside. I cannot hear you from under this sun.

Did the Avengers ever have an Affirmative Action program?

They sure did. It was 1978 and the Avengers had just defeated the nigh-omnipotent Korvac, using just about every member they ever had, with help from Captain Marvel, Ms. Marvel and the old Guardians of the Galaxy team. Government liaison Henry Peter Gyrich, legendary for being unyielding, argued it was too hard for the feds to keep track of dozens of Avengers, so he ordered the team to trim the membership down to seven.

Individual Avengers decided to come or go and the lineup included Captain America, Iron Man, the Wasp, the Scarlet Witch, the Vision and the Beast. Gyrich then mandated that they instate the Falcon as a member as the government wanted to offer opportunities to more minorities (the only other black member at the time, the Black Panther, was unable to serve).

Quicksilver immediately claimed this was ridiculous, since the Avengers had many non-real world minorities on the team, including mutants and a Norse god, pointing out that superheroes themselves are a minority. Longtime member Hawkeye was pissy he got bumped in favor of the Falcon, whom not that many people knew at that point. (This was funny because Hawkeye had a history of quitting and coming back multiple times so he might have just left anyway.)

The Falcon served for a short period and resigned. He noted a few times that he felt like a token and was overshadowed by his more powerful teammates. He returned sporadically over the years. This was actually a fun period in Avengers history so the Falcon was around for some memorable stories.

The issue raised its head again in 2000 when the team again had to reorganize. The Avengers were facing protestors who demanded more people of color join the team but in some cognitive dissonance, wanted the mutants out. The new government liaison, Duane Freeman, again ordered that they find an African American or Latino. A few people argued that their squads were too small to admit an accurate representation of America’s various groups. The team’s reserve people of color — the Black Panther, Photon, Living Lightning and Firebird — were unavailable, so Freeman suggested they recruit Triathlon, a black superhero the Avengers fought with but were suspicious about due to his ties to the shady religion the Triune Understanding (a thinly veiled Church of Scientology).

When Iron Man balked, Freeman pointed out that he was objecting to a potential member’s religion and said if the team refused membership to a qualified black candidate, the government would shut them down. (Freeman was much more reasonable than Gyrich but you didn’t dare cross him. In the same issue, he actually stood up to Thor over a related issue and kept his head, with Thor instead stomping out of Avengers Mansion in a huff, screaming and quitting and causing a spectacle.)

Cooler heads prevailed and the team reorganized with Triathlon and familiar faces Iron Man, the Wasp, Goliath, the Scarlet Witch, Warbird and She-Hulk. Triathlon served for somewhat longer than the Falcon and turned out to be a pretty good guy, despite the members’ suspicions.

Floral

I love flowers but I don’t know too much about them. This can be a challenge when you’re trying to garden your new home.

Most of our backyard is the pool and concrete, with a little grass, so to soften the space, I planted some begonias, marigolds and other flowers in pots spread out around the pool. I am pretty happy with how it looks and I may expand it next year with some flowers planted in the ground.

Most of the front was gardened already by the previous owner but there is some stuff I’d like to redo. On one side of the driveway, we have a bunch of those orange daylilies or whatever they’re called. They looked OK when they bloomed but they died a few weeks ago. Now the remains are just kind of flattened down so they look like matted hair and it looks awful and I hate it. It embarrasses me. Plus the lilies appear to be tangled with a bunch of white flowers so I have no idea what’s going on since I didn’t plant it. Maybe I can transplant them.

We also have way too many hostas. They look OK but they also look a little creepy to me, like the pods on the planet in Alien. We also don’t need 45 of them. Plus, I like a lot of color, rather than just green. I’m not getting rid of them but I would like to cut down. There are also these little green leaves, ivy-like, covering the area next to the driveway, but they’re a waste of space and I’d like to get rid of them.

I’m going to wait until the fall because I don’t know what they planted or what’s coming. Then I’m going to overhaul the area out front. I’d like to start over with something that is better planned that is actually what we want and not what the previous homeowner wanted. There’s just not a lot of art to what we have now.

I have no idea what I’m doing here. I’d love to hire a gardener who can show me a book of flowers or something and I can point at what I like but I don’t know if we can afford that so I’ll probably do it myself. I guess I should wait until spring? I don’t want to miss fall planting and get to next year and find out I should have started last year. I can probably plant some mums this fall.

What I want is an absolute riot of color. I want as much color as possible. I want to plant a bunch of perennials that will bloom as long as possible. I’ll have to do some research and I’ve also walked around the neighborhood to see what other people are doing. I know I like hydrangeas, tulips (although I have to have other flowers planted in the same area for the time when the tulips don’t bloom) and some pretty, long-stemmed purple and yellow flowers that I can’t identify. I also am considering some kind of flowering bushes that won’t look terrible once the blooms die. After vacation is over, I’ll figure out what I’m doing.

We also are planting some trees this fall. We have a big front yard that seems to be screaming out for trees, either shade or fruit. There are also a few areas of the yard that could use little groupings of flowers since it’s looking bare in some spots.

I do love being outside and gardening and doing yardwork, even though I’m an amateur. I love summer and will hate to get out of the pool but am looking forward to one aspect of the fall: I will no longer have to spend two hours every weekend mowing the lawn and weeding.

Suffer the Little Children

It is quite an honor to have Pope Francis visit Philadelphia in September. This is quite an undertaking in terms of logistics and safety and so the city has enacted several restrictions* that residents will surely find will be outweighed by the pride of having the pope come to town. Everyone please have a safe, enjoyable and stress-free papal visit.

* The following highways and bridges will be closed: I-95, I-76, I-676, I-476, I-276, I-495, I-295, the Walt Whitman Bridge, the Betsy Ross Bridge, the Delaware Memorial Bridge, Floral Drive, the Commodore Barry Bridge, the Tacony-Palmyra Bridge, Chestnut Street, the Holland Tunnel, Baltimore Pike, the Atlantic City Expressway, the 405, Route 30 eastbound, Martin Luther King Boulevard (any), Benjamin Franklin Parkway, Kelly Drive and all numbered streets. Reopening dates will be posted at a later time.

* In addition to the SEPTA lottery system, passes will be available to the following people: Anyone who can pray an entire rosary in under two minutes, the best singers of “Hail Holy Queen” as judged by Archbishop Chaput, and anybody who will dance for Vatican nickels.

* The following zip codes will be declared Quarantine Zones for the entirety of the pope’s visit: 19148, 19147, 08035, 19106, 19129, 19102, 19810, 19063, 19064, 19154 and 17005. Martial law will be in effect for these zones and residents will have to remain in their homes from 6 p.m. until 8 a.m., praying continuously. 

* There is to be no driving whatsoever in the Philadelphia Archdiocese during the pontiff’s stay. Exceptions will only be made for those driving replica Popemobiles.

* All Catholics will have to genuflect while watching or reading any coverage of the pope’s visit.

* Those attending the Mass will have to wear green (the color of ordinary time) and cover themselves in sackcloth and ashes.

* The rhythm method will be the only permitted contraception during the papal weekend.

* The federal government will seize all bakeries and vineyards so they can provide communion and wine for the Mass.

* Catholics will be required to house out-of-town guests in their homes and perform the spiritual and corporal works of mercy for them.

* There will be metal detectors and other security checkpoints for anyone going to the Mass. Tithing will be collected at the gates.

* Any babies born during Pope Francis’ stay must be named Francis or Frances.

* Fasting is required. We’ll tell you when you can stop.

* Yeah, don’t come.

Summer is over.

It’s the first week in August. There is a month until Labor Day and six weeks left until the Autumnal Equinox. You know what that means: Summer is over.

It’s just over. Most of the August has yet to have red check marks on it but it’s basically done, along with the season. There’s no point in enjoying the rest of it. Summer was pretty much over right after Independence Day. We might as well just start on fall.

I know I have. I’m dragging my decorative gourds out of storage. We closed the pool weeks ago because the season is shot. The only think I’ll be barbecuing now is a pumpkin. Most of the time, the burners on my stovetop are filled with pots of chili and soups. I always leave parties an hour before they end and sit in the car until someone drives me home. In a few weeks we’ll be going to the shore and I’m bringing my heavy wool coat. Because it gets chilly at night. Like, Arctic. Because it’s late August and that means summer is long, long dead.

Sigh.

The only thing to do now is finish up my Christmas shopping. Well, that and bitch about the coming winter (which I’ll start on once I’m finally over the trauma of last winter’s record-setting average snowfall in our area).

I’ll check up on everyone in three or four months, once I’m finished buying my Easter candy. Then it’s on to planning my retirement.

Who is the X-Men's Apocalypse?

Apocalypse is the latest villain set to appear in the X-Men: Apocalypse movie. Originally known as En Sabah Nur, Apocalypse is allegedly the world’s oldest mutant, having first appeared in ancient Egypt. He has been a very powerful X-Men villain for years. He has complete control over his body, allowing him to become malleable, and also has energy manipulation abilities and some telekinesis. His main belief is “survival of the fittest,” which can be twisted in the Marvel Universe if you have that level of power.

The character first appeared in X-Factor (the series featuring the original five X-Men) back in the ‘80s. Apocalypse often has Four Horsemen who serve him and one of his first acts was brainwashing Angel into being the horseman Death, turning his skin blue and giving him metal wings in the process.

The most famous Apocalypse story was the Age of Apocalypse in 1995, during which all the Marvel mutant titles were cancelled and rebranded for four months (Uncanny X-Men became Astonishing X-Men, etc.). Legion, the powerful but unstable son of Charles Xavier, went back in time to kill Magneto so Magneto would not cause problems for the X-Men. Professor X took the bullet and died instead, resulting in a world where he never formed the X-Men. This allowed Apocalypse to rise and conquer North America, as the X-Men and other superheroes were not around to stop him.

Age of Apocalypse was a great story, a bright point in the ‘90s X-Men universe. In the alternate universe, Magneto was inspired by Xavier’s death to form the X-Men and later married Rogue. Cyclops, Havok and the Beast were never X-Men and were instead recruited by evil Mister Sinister. Jean Grey never became Phoenix and was in a relationship with Logan (called Weapon X and not Wolverine in this reality). Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch were founding X-Men, although Wanda died on their first mission. Colossus and Kitty Pryde were married. None of the Avengers or Fantastic Four received their powers due to Apocalypse’s rising and many of them opposed his rule as civilians. It was a fun look at what the Marvel Universe would be without Professor X’s influence, sort of an It’s a Wonderful Life for Marvel, and some of the alternate characters eventually bled into the mainstream reality.

Another notable Apocalypse story was The Twelve at the turn of the millennium. Apocalypse had gathered 12 mutants who represented primal forces: Professor X (the mind); Magneto and Polaris (magnetism); Storm, Iceman and Sunfire (the elements); Cyclops, Jean and Cable (the family); Bishop (time); Mikhail Rasputin (space) and the Living Monolith (the core) and trapped them in a machine to conquer the world. It backfired and Apocalypse was defeated, although Cyclops vanished. When he returned, Cyclops had absorbed a portion of Apocalypse’s darkness, which was a factor in his separation from Jean.

Since then, Apocalypse has been reincarnated as a child and the X-Men faced the dilemma of what to do with a powerful being who would eventually turn evil.

I don’t know if the movie will deal with the Age of Apocalypse or not but there is plenty of material to choose from.

Did it rain today?

A rare peal of thunder got through drywall and industrial carpets to my ears. I heard it, decisive, in the deep despair halfway between lunch and quitting time and it was the only sign beyond the clinical forecast on the screen that there was a world outside at all. At the end of the day, the only sign of the broken heat is the half-puddled rain. I can only imagine what lightshow I missed while my nose was to the grindstone.

I can only imagine what I miss every day under artificial light. Snow piles up neatly around my car, streets having been plowed while I waited. The drought breaks while I shop online. Entire warm and cold fronts live and die while it is too much trouble for me to take lunch to the park.

I miss it all, with the adult necessity of not being able to lie on one's back and look at the clouds or that will be all you're able to do.