Suffer the Little Children

It is quite an honor to have Pope Francis visit Philadelphia in September. This is quite an undertaking in terms of logistics and safety and so the city has enacted several restrictions* that residents will surely find will be outweighed by the pride of having the pope come to town. Everyone please have a safe, enjoyable and stress-free papal visit.

* The following highways and bridges will be closed: I-95, I-76, I-676, I-476, I-276, I-495, I-295, the Walt Whitman Bridge, the Betsy Ross Bridge, the Delaware Memorial Bridge, Floral Drive, the Commodore Barry Bridge, the Tacony-Palmyra Bridge, Chestnut Street, the Holland Tunnel, Baltimore Pike, the Atlantic City Expressway, the 405, Route 30 eastbound, Martin Luther King Boulevard (any), Benjamin Franklin Parkway, Kelly Drive and all numbered streets. Reopening dates will be posted at a later time.

* In addition to the SEPTA lottery system, passes will be available to the following people: Anyone who can pray an entire rosary in under two minutes, the best singers of “Hail Holy Queen” as judged by Archbishop Chaput, and anybody who will dance for Vatican nickels.

* The following zip codes will be declared Quarantine Zones for the entirety of the pope’s visit: 19148, 19147, 08035, 19106, 19129, 19102, 19810, 19063, 19064, 19154 and 17005. Martial law will be in effect for these zones and residents will have to remain in their homes from 6 p.m. until 8 a.m., praying continuously. 

* There is to be no driving whatsoever in the Philadelphia Archdiocese during the pontiff’s stay. Exceptions will only be made for those driving replica Popemobiles.

* All Catholics will have to genuflect while watching or reading any coverage of the pope’s visit.

* Those attending the Mass will have to wear green (the color of ordinary time) and cover themselves in sackcloth and ashes.

* The rhythm method will be the only permitted contraception during the papal weekend.

* The federal government will seize all bakeries and vineyards so they can provide communion and wine for the Mass.

* Catholics will be required to house out-of-town guests in their homes and perform the spiritual and corporal works of mercy for them.

* There will be metal detectors and other security checkpoints for anyone going to the Mass. Tithing will be collected at the gates.

* Any babies born during Pope Francis’ stay must be named Francis or Frances.

* Fasting is required. We’ll tell you when you can stop.

* Yeah, don’t come.