How to spend your Powerball winnings

Whoever wins the Powerball tonight is going to win, like, Oprah money. There are many decisions to make following a $1 billion windfall. Some people might pay off their mortgages and smartly invest that money to secure their future finanZZZZZZ

I’m sorry. I fell asleep because financial prudence is so boring. So I’m going to tell you how to use that money if you’re a fun person! Because YOLO, right?

First off, rather than paying off that old house, just stop paying your mortgage. The bank can just foreclose. What do you care about having good credit? You have so much cash now that you just won’t need it.

Then pick up and move somewhere much, much larger. Whether you’re taking a lump sum or an annuity, a good rule of thumb is spending 75 percent of your income on housing. So if you win the full $1 billion, you can have a $750 million house built!

Don’t forget to trick out this house with as many luxuries as possible. You’ll want to have a moat, a present wrapping room on each floor, new mattresses every day for your king-size beds, Olympic-size curling facilities, marble ceilings, a pool filled with Fiji water, weather control technology, flat-screen TVs in the linen closets, bowls of blood diamonds with “take one” signs for the guests, and a new stocked refrigerator delivered every time you’ve used up the food in the old one. Don’t forget the luxury of having a toilet encrusted with Swarovski crystals, because it makes dumping out your caviar lunches way more sophisticated, especially when you use gold toilet paper.

How are you paying for all this, you ask? Credit! Charge it all on that unlimited Amex black card that all the billionaires get automatically. How do you think Oprah pays for everything?

Remember, the smartest thing you can do is invest in high-speed jets and yachts and horses. They pay for themselves. Why schlep around in an Aston Martin like a commoner when you can travel in a G6?

But what about paying real estate taxes and paying for maintenance on all these luxury items, you ask? Answer: gambling. Take whatever you have left over and play it on “6” as much as possible at the casinos. The more money you bet with, the better chance you have to win, right? This is a smart way of letting your money work for you!

Good luck, everybody! Remember me when you win!