Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Investigating the Investigators Who Investigated the Investigation


The scene is the Official Investigation Chamber in Congress. A group of highly placed officials is investigating the congressmen who investigated FBI Director James Comey, who investigated Hillary Clinton’s emails.

House Speaker Paul Ryan: Congressman Gowdy, thank you for obeying the subpoena to appear here today. We are trying to get to the bottom of some statements you made last week while interrogating Director Comey. Did you or did you not ask him if Secretary Clinton said, “I did not e-mail any classified information to anyone”?

Rep. Trey Gowdy: That is true, Mr. Speaker.

Ryan: And is it also true that Director Comey said, “That's a harder one to answer. We found traces of work related emails in — on devices or in space. Whether they were deleted or when a server was changed out something happened to them, there's no doubt that the work related emails that were removed electronically from the email system.”

Gowdy: That is also true, insofar as that was the gist of his comments to me vis-a-vis the question I posed.

Vice President Joe Biden: In other words …

Gowdy: … Yes.

Sen. Mitch McConnell: I’d like to address a question to Congressman Chaffetz. Did you ask Director Comey, “Did you review the documents where Congressman Jim Jordan asked her specifically and she said, quote, there was nothing marked classified on my emails, either sent or received?”

Rep. Jason Chaffetz: I do not recall.

Ryan: You do not … what? What?

Chaffetz: I do not recall.

Biden: But you did tell Director Comey he would in the next few hours be getting a referral from Congress to investigate Secretary Clinton’s statements?

Chaffetz (confers with lawyer for 30 seconds with hands over microphone): I do not recall.

McConnell: Moving on. Congressman Cartwright, I do believe you asked Director Comey about the “c” designation on Secretary Clinton’s emails indicating the email was classified. I believe you asked “Was there a header on the three documents that we’ve discussed today that had the little ‘c’ in the text someplace?”

Rep. Matt Cartwright: That is correct.

McConnell: And what was Director Comey’s response?

Cartwright: Director Comey indicated to me that in three emails, the letter “c” was in the body of the text but there was no header in the email or the text.

Biden: Three emails?

Cartwright: Yes, three.

Ryan: I would like to discuss some of Congressman Gowdy’s snark and sarcasm during the investigation. Congressman, you made a statement to Director Comey that “In the interest of time and because I have a plane to catch tomorrow afternoon, I'm not going to go through any more of the false statements.” You also said “You and I both know intent is really difficult to prove. Very rarely do defendants announce 'On this date I intend to break this criminal code section. Just to put everyone on notice, I am going to break the law on this date.'” Do you think your tone was appropriate here?

Gowdy (sighing heavily and rolling his eyes): Yeah, I guess.

There are several long seconds of silence.

Biden: Well, I think we’ve learned everything we can learn today. Motion to adj—

Suddenly, the doors at the back of the chamber fly open and Pope Francis, United Nations General Secretary Ban Ki-Moon and Apple CEO Tim Cook walk in.

Pope Francis: Nobody move! We are investigating the investigation of the investigation of the investigation. Vice President Biden, Speaker Ryan and Sen. McConnell, take your seats and prepare yourselves. Your testimony begins in five minutes.

Repeat as necessary.

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