Brian's Comprehensive Winter Weather Forecast

This time of year, when rain threatens to turn into snow, some news organizations give winter weather forecasts for the entire season. I guess the purpose would be to tell people whether or not they should buy an extra set of worry beads in case they wear out the first set while looking out the window at the snooooowww.

Well, how hard can it be to predict the weather this winter? I want to get into the act. Here’s how I think the winter of 2016-17 will unfold.

December will start out relatively mild with high temperatures in the 50s. Things will gradually turn colder and there will be a morning or two of flurries. Christmas week will bring colder weather, with a mix of sun, clouds and chilly rain.

January will bring us two or three snowstorms of varying amounts, perhaps a few inches each. Look for it to be colder, with at least a week of low temperatures below freezing. In the third week of the month, it will be particularly cold. There will be a few days of sun and thawing interspersed, as well as at least one day that feels like early spring. One day will feature wind. Another will feature fog.

February will be snowier. On Feb. 9, the day will start bleak and cold, with a thin layer of white clouds overlaying us like a bedspread. There will be only a few breaks of sun before the clouds turn to a color of dark slate. Around noon, the wind will begin to rise, carrying the scent of snow and a feel of dampness that reaches through winter coats to penetrate into bones. The snow will begin to fall at midday, first in big, tentative flakes that look almost cartoon-like. It will soon fall faster, covering the blacktop like mayo on pumpernickel bread, until the air is thick with white doom. The highways will mostly be deserted, as schools and most business will have closed hours earlier. Seven inches will fall. The snow will continue into the evening. It will remain the next day but by the day after that, will become slushy as the temperatures rise above freezing during the day. In a week, most of the snow will be gone.

March will come in like a lion, with another snow event and some windy days. The month will go out like a lamb, with temperatures in the 50s and 60s.

And there you have it. Plan accordingly, everybody.

The Walking Dead S7 E6: Swear

Not every character needs a spotlight episode. Was anybody really wondering what happened to Blanche/Charmaine/Virginia after she and the other guy left on a mission after killing everyone in the Negan compound?

It’s not that Tara is a bad character or a bad actress. (Fine. I guess I’ll start remembering her name now.) Her awkwardness is sort of endearing and a break from the seriousness of the rest of the cast. It was kind of fun how she walked back to Alexandria clothed in symbols: The sunglasses for optimism, the doctor bobblehead for her love for Denise, and the shell bracelet for her time by the ocean. But this was still a bad episode that shouldn’t have happened.

There were a handful of things I liked. I didn’t mind seeing the beach, since it’s a reminder that as destroyed as civilization is, the rest of the natural world is still there to enjoy. I liked how the driftwood on the beach was a visual symbol of the wandering zombies. That community did seem like it was farther south than the Delmarva Peninsula, with all the bamboo.

I didn’t like the fakeout at the end where the zombie turned out to be an unknown woman and not Heath, as it seemed cheap. I had just been saying it would be fun to have someone stumble across a zombified friend, as the show hasn’t done much with that type of reveal. I also didn’t like how the show cut out the dialogue when Eugene revealed Denise’s death to Tara. A lot of shows elide the big sad moment like this and it’s clichéd and a cheat. Just write some dialogue and show the reaction.

Then there’s this jewel of dialogue: “We have an endless supply of fish here: One of the perks of being close to the ocean.” You don’t say? I guess if they lived close to cows, they’d have an endless supply of steak. You’d think with all the money The Walking Dead makes, they would spend some money on writers. The woman who plays Michonne is a Broadway playwright so maybe they could give her some pages to rewrite.

I understood why Tara lied to Rosita (fine, I’ll remember her name, too) about the existence of Oceanside but it kind of means that the past hour-plus was pointless for the viewers. There’s a way to reveal character without having a show screech to a halt.

I know the show is trying to introduce a bunch of civilizations and widen the world to set up an inevitable clash of cultures. I just don’t think this is the way to do it. I think it would be much more effective if they interspersed a few stories in each episode, just to keep things more dynamic. They could have explored Tara’s story in a few scenes spread across a few episodes. The worst thing about this episode is that it was extra long. It was like the writers said, “We have en extra-boring installment. Let’s give people more of it.” It was like eating a second helping of a really boring pie.

The Walking Dead S7 E5: Go Getters

I don’t know if it’s bad acting or bad writing, or a little from column A and a little from column B, but Gregory is really irritating. It’s not just in a “love to hate him” way. He’s just one note of craven cowardice and incompetence over and over again. There’s no nuance at all. Then the Saviors show up to reinforce the same point yet again that they are in charge and they’ve cowed the rest of the communities. It’s getting a little repetitive but it is fun to see how the rest of the Saviors have so little autonomy that they’re all acting like Negan, with surface charm combined with sadism.

It was satisfying to see Maggie belt Gregory and tell him to call her Maggie Rhee instead of honey or dear. I am excited by the prospect of Maggie showing more leadership abilities but I wish she could do more of it sitting down because I am nervous about that baby. Delegate.

Still, driving that tractor over the zombies probably didn’t tax Maggie too much. The farm girl did find an efficient way to clear the field of zombies. The whole thing was kind of amusing since it was the equivalent of the Saviors lighting a bag of dog poop and leaving it on the doorstep of Hilltop, only with zombie attacks and loud music. Meanwhile, Gregory sleeps through half of it. Thanks for your leadership.

I guess the roller skating scene with Enid and Carl was cute and at least the kiss changed things up. I thought it was funny that Carl crashed the car because of course he doesn’t know how to drive. Survival has probably been a higher priority than Rick setting up cones in a parking lot and teaching his son how to parallel park. It just seems like we’ve gone to this well too many times before, with Enid needing to leave and go on some unnecessary, dangerous mission and then Carl following her, because these people never learn that splitting up never works out.

I liked the reappearance of Jesus. He’s pretty and I think it’s funny that the characters slip his name into their dialogue so it sounds like either prayer or taking the Lord’s name in vain.

Awhirl in Shawls

Stevie Nicks told the audience she was pulling out songs and trinkets and stories from her “gothic box.” She’s always struck me as someone who has an entire treasure trove of memories stored away someplace and it all came out last night.

The most striking thing about the concert was all the stories. Stevie had one for almost every song, casually dropping in names and anecdotes: “Don Henley and I wrote this for Waylon Jennings … when Lindsey Buckingham and I lived together … I was working with Tom Petty … Prince gave me a demo version of ‘Purple Rain’ on a cassette,” etc. It was fascinating to hear. The woman has been everywhere.

Stevie was awhirl in various shawls and capes all night, even bringing out the original shawl from her Bella Donna days. Can you imagine what else she has in her treasure chest?

The show leaned heavily on solo material, including my favorite, “Stand Back,” all driving synths (originally played uncredited by Prince) and cocky attitude. There was a lovely rendition of “Leather and Lace” to close out the show and a duet with Chrissie Hynde on “Stop Dragging My Heart Around.”

We had seen Hynde earlier as the Pretenders opened the show. Shaggy haired, trim and with a voice exactly as it sounded 35 years ago, Hynde and the band put on a substantial set of hits like “Back on the Chain Gang,” “Don’t Get Me Wrong,” the rollicking “Middle of the Road” and the attitudinal “Brass in Pocket.”

Stevie told the audience she was mixing up the setlist, bringing out some unreleased tracks and rarities. I didn’t know a lot of these but I did enjoy them. She even sang a song from her Buckingham Nicks album and a fan gave her a vinyl copy (very rare since the album has never been reissued in any form) to autograph.

There was just a smattering of her Fleetwood Mac material. I loved hearing “Gypsy,” a song about remembering your humble beginnings in that first apartment, with a delicate guitar parabola. Stevie saved the primal stuff for the end, including a commanding “Gold Dust Woman” performed in a gold shawl, the mystical standby “Rhiannon” and of course, “Edge of Seventeen” with that deathless guitar riff.

I could’ve listened to a lot more of her stories.

Cut

The other weekend, I went to get a haircut. (Admit it: You’re already riveted by this story.) It was a Saturday morning and the barbershop was packed. More than an hour went by and they still didn’t call my name. I ran out of websites to look at on my phone.

I accept that I have to wait at that time of day. The problem was that people who got there after me got haircuts before me because you can pay $5 for an appointment and skip the line. Sorry but I’d rather keep my $5. Who ever heard of paying for an appointment? They should be free. Normally I suck it up and wait but that was ridiculous.

The last straw was when a father, who got there an hour after me, paid on the spot for appointments for him and his two sons and they went ahead of me. That was three more people I was behind at that point. I got up and left.

I went to Supercuts and got a perfectly fine haircut for cheaper. (I have a simple hairstyle and just don’t need anything elaborate.) I had to wait a bit but not an hour. I had thought I would patronize a neighborhood small business but I’m not going back to that barbershop. It’s just too inconvenient. It’s not like they’re struggling and need my business, obviously, since I watched 600 people get haircuts. Anyway, I had a bunch of errands to run but my whole Saturday morning was shot while I played tiddlywinks at the barber.

My question is, was I a fool to leave the first barber? You just know I didn’t even get to my car and they were calling my name and looking around for me. Was this one of those sun cost fallacies, where we invest so much money or time in something and stick with it, even though we’re not getting results, because we don’t want to say all that money or time was for nothing?

Checkpoint

We have our papers. You cannot hold us here.

He and I exchanged our vows and filled out the proper paperwork with the signatures of our witnesses. All duly filed, I am sure of it. The legislature definitely voted for it and the governor promptly signed it and that was the last step to make us legitimate as anyone else.

Everyone saw us that day on the beach. Everyone witnessed.

I know exactly where our papers are: stored safe of fire or flood or earthquake. I know they are safe in that metal box.

He and I have everything in order. You can check if you want. We made our vows and filed our paperwork and whatever the shifts or battles ahead, you cannot take this from us.

Let us pass without suspicion.

The Walking Dead S7 E4: Service

When you’re young, it’s easier to give up sleep for something you really want to do. When you’re older, you have to make choices. When Steve and I saw The Walking Dead was 90 minutes, we made the choice to go to bed and watch it the next night, so this recap is late.

“Service” really didn’t need to be more than an hour. It was basically Negan and the gang preening and being dicks to the people of Alexandria. They took the guns, some of the mattresses, and a deer Michonne killed. There’s a logic to some of this, like you can’t take the food from people you expect to work for you because they’re no good if they’re dead. But then why not leave them with some weapons to defend themselves from zombies?

Rick is now completely subservient to Negan and the Saviors, although there were a few flashes of the old Rick in the way he gripped Lucille for a moment before deciding against using it. I didn’t understand the whole speech about Rick knowing Judith is not his biological daughter. That whole era of the show was so long ago that I’ve forgotten about Shane.

I liked the flashes of anger coming from Carl and Michonne. I like her shooting practice, as I somehow never realized that as good as she is with that sword, she’s used to fighting in close proximity so of course she wouldn’t be great with a gun. I had to read another review to realize that the burnt pile of stuff she saw was the plundered goods that the Saviors burned just because they could. Dicks.

The idea of pretending Maggie is dead is clever and even gave Father Gabriel something useful to do. I’m intrigued to see how she’ll work as a wild card.

The subplot with the cute Alexandrian and Laverne/Mary Jo/Barbara was sort of interesting and at least she got in a good line about taking weapons off Dwight’s dead friends. The guy (Spencer?) is right about Rick kind of ruining things at Alexandria but of course, he criticized Rick so he’s probably dead soon.

This just didn’t need to be 90 minutes long.

Why, Specifically, I Didn't Vote for Donald Trump

I voted for Hillary Clinton for president. There are numerous reasons for this, including that I agree with her policies and that she’s a competent adult who has the knowledge and experience to weather a crisis. She knows things.

That is a very brief statement of the positives. But if you know me, I think I’m much more entertaining when I can go on a rant and be negative about something. I’ve been trying to restrain myself from talking about the election lately because professionals have been offering better commentary and sometimes politics can alienate friends from other friends.

Well, the shackles are off. Here is a partial list of why I didn’t vote for Donald Trump. I have reservations about Clinton, of course, but they’re nothing compared to the howling supernova of problems that Trump presents. If you’re a Trump fan or don’t like reading about politics, you might want to skip this, and that’s completely understandable. The rest of you, buckle up.

Donald Trump doesn’t know anything. Over the course of the campaign, he has demonstrated a deeply alarming lack of knowledge about foreign and domestic policy, the Constitution, and how the world works in general. He also seems to have no interest in educating himself. When he tries to explain a policy or position, it’s word salad. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.  

Donald Trump, even before the results are in, is claiming without proof that if he loses, it will be because the election is rigged against him (because nothing is ever his fault) and may not accept the results. This threatens the peaceful transfer of power in our country in a way that no presidential candidate ever has. At the debate, he said, “I’ll keep you in suspense” about conceding, since it’s all about him and not about democracy. These are the actions of a child who doesn’t get his way. This is horrifying, jaw-dropping, completely disgraceful.

Donald Trump promised, on live TV, to appoint a special prosecutor to jail his political opponent. This means he’s already promising to use presidential power for revenge, which is dangerous, undignified behavior that undermines how our government works. Even President Nixon would wince at this abuse of power. This behavior threatens the separation of powers and crosses the line into dictatorship.

Donald Trump’s Republican Party has enshrined in its platform the position of overturning gay marriage and Trump has promised to appoint Supreme Court justices who will overturn the gay marriage decision. The party has also implied that it opposes adoption by gay couples. So not only do they officially want to break apart our family, they want to prevent us from expanding that family. Even if this is just pandering, even if it could never happen, given a choice between the party that would divorce us and the party that would not, guess which one I’m voting for? When Republican candidates tell me they want to help families, they don’t mean my family because to them, family is a country club and you can’t have the wrong people getting in.

Donald Trump allegedly (and to me, plausibly) sexually assaulted a bunch of women, talking advantage of his powerful status (his excuse for not assaulting one of the women was that she wasn’t attractive enough for him). He also allegedly went backstage at a teen beauty pageant while girls were changing, telling them, “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” There is also a video of him telling a 10-year-old girl he would be dating her in 10 years. I don’t think I can bring up enough vomit to express how I feel.

Donald Trump has, in addition to the assault accusations, made appalling statements about women. He has called them fat pigs and slobs, suggested that one had her period when she was tough on him during a debate, made nasty comments about the faces of fellow candidates and their wives, and once hounded a Miss Universe winner into losing weight to the point that she developed an eating disorder. He tried to excuse calling one celebrity a pig because “nobody likes her anyway.” He once said “Women: you have to treat them like shit.” The final insult was Trump bragging about sexual assault and the grabbing, all captured on audio and video. Add up all these actions and comments and you get a clear picture of what he thinks of women: their only value to him is how they look and what he can get out of them. Trump has been telling us all along, in his own words, exactly who he is.

Donald Trump has a history of racism. Sometimes this takes a blatant form, like when he was sued in the ‘70s for redlining. Sometimes it sounds like a dog whistle, like his comments on “law and order,” an old trick that goes back to Nixon. Sometimes it takes the form of suggesting his supporters monitor the polls in “certain communities.” Sometimes it takes the form of condescension, telling black people that they — all of them — are living in hellish circumstances.

Donald Trump has a “secret plan” to defeat ISIS. Sure, buddy.

Donald Trump has a pattern of making tyrannical threats against anything that would inconvenience him. If he gets press criticism, he’ll “open up libel laws.” If he gets advice from his military advisers that he doesn’t like, he’ll fire the generals and get different ones. There are countless examples and they defy the rule of law and the Constitution.

Donald Trump’s key idea of building a wall around Mexico and having a “deportation force” is asinine, wasteful, impractical and cruel. He also vastly overstates the threat of unchecked illegal immigration, claiming 650 million immigrants could come to the United States in one week. There is no way this is possible.

Donald Trump has made “jokes” about the assassination of Hillary Clinton.

Donald Trump’s plans to keep Muslims out of the United States and closing mosques violate Constitutional principles. The idea that we would accuse an entire group of criminal acts based on their faith, without evidence of these people having actually done anything criminal, goes against both common decency and the principles of America itself. This is not who we are as a country.

Donald Trump has the official endorsement of the Ku Klux Klan. Trump did reject the endorsement but it’s alarming that the KKK apparently sees something in his campaign worth supporting.

Donald Trump does not understand concepts like the nuclear triad or nuclear deterrence, and has an alarmingly casual attitude toward other nations getting nuclear weapons.

Donald Trump suggested that Russia commit espionage against his own country to discredit his political opponent.

Donald Trump picked a fight with Gold Star parents and actually tried to argue that achieving financial success was a sacrifice on par with the sacrifice the Khan family made of losing their son. Regardless of one’s position on the Iraq war, the least — and I mean the absolute least — a presidential candidate can do is not trash talk grieving parents. 

Donald Trump believes we should just take the oil from Iraq. This is prohibited as a war crime under the Geneva Convention.

Donald Trump tends to make national tragedies about him. For example, after the Orlando shooting, his first reaction was not sorrow or horror or resolve. It was, “appreciate the congrats on being right” about terrorism. Well, good for you. Meanwhile, 49 people are dead.

Donald Trump has pretty much confirmed that he used his massive business losses in the ‘90s not to pay taxes for years afterwards. Of course, there’s no way to know for sure, since he won’t release his tax returns.

Donald Trump lies about easily provable things. He denied saying climate change is a hoax promoted by the Chinese, despite the fact that he tweeted that exact statement. Like, it’s part of the written record. He lied about his opposition to the Iraq War, even though he gave a live interview on it.

Donald Trump used money from his foundation to self-deal, specifically to pay for a large self-portrait. There are also allegations that he paid for the Florida attorney general to stop investigating his university for fraud.

Donald Trump blames all his failings on other people. He didn’t lose the first debate because a well-prepared woman danced rings around him while he gave word salad answers to questions, revealed his lack of knowledge, became defensive and interrupted repeatedly. No, there was a problem with the microphone. And everything’s the media’s fault. Or he blames it on a conspiracy of “international bankers” (which is an anti-Semitic code). And everything is rigged. Poor put-upon Donald.

Donald Trump will always take the bait. Hillary baited him by bringing up Alicia Machado during the debate and instead of trying to sweep it under the rug, he doubled down re-humiliated the woman by calling her fat again (calling a private citizen fat has to be one of the least dignified moments ever for a presidential candidate). His ego and stupidity makes him fall for this stuff every time and that will make him a sucker for any world leader.

Donald Trump fanned the flames of the racist birther conspiracy in an attempt to de-legitimize the first black president. He cried this from the rooftops for years, even after Obama produced the birth certificate. Then he lied about running with the controversy, despite the fact that there are extensive video and written examples of him doing so.

Donald Trump has a disastrous temperament and no dignity. Example #3,468: This is a man who was up at 5 a.m. tweeting that the former Miss Universe is “disgusting” and we should check out her sex tape. “Check out her sex tape” is not something a presidential candidate should ever say. Example #5,647: Responding to Clinton’s charges that he would be Putin’s puppet by saying, “No you’re the puppet.” That comment might have won Trump the fourth-grade student council debate but not a presidential debate.

Donald Trump is a misinformed idiot on NATO. If Russia were to, for example, invade Estonia, for the United States not to defend Estonia would be a disaster that can be foreseen by anyone who has taken a high school social studies class. The fact that during the debate Hillary Clinton had to assure our allies that we will honor our alliances is flabbergasting.

Donald Trump is disrespectful to our military and their families. First he slammed Vietnam POW John McCain, who refused to leave captivity without his fellow prisoners of war. Then he acted like a jackass to the Khans despite the fact that their son died in combat. Then a veteran supporter gave Trump his Purple Heart and Trump joked that (paraphrasing) “I always wanted a Purple Heart. It’s easier to get it this way.” Well, how nice to get a medal without getting injured like soldiers do. Then he made ignorant comments that didn’t help our understanding of PTSD and annoyed a lot of veterans. Good work, wannabe commander-in-chief.

Donald Trump’s entire self-regard rests on his business acumen, yet he once lost nearly $1 billion. One could make an argument that a great businessman is one who did not lose $1 billion.

Donald Trump opposed providing legal counsel to the American citizen who a few months ago bombed the New York area, which would violate the Constitution. What I don’t understand is, why this guy? Think of all the dirtbags, like Timothy McVeigh, who got legal representation over the years because it is the law and he wants to chuck the system now? Plus, he wants to kill the families of terrorists. Do we want to be the kind of country that kills the children of terrorists?

Donald Trump opposes Obamacare but doesn’t seem to understand how it works, saying contradictory things about whether or not his employees have insurance through the government program.  

Donald Trump suggested that an Indiana-born judge should recuse himself from a Trump-related case due to the judge’s Mexican ancestry. 

Donald Trump’s running mate is a GD liar. Mike Pence went on national TV and repeatedly denied that Trump said things that anyone with wifi could prove that Trump said in 0.02 seconds. Pence lied his ass off during that debate and only his poker face got him any credit for style points.

Donald Trump apparently does not believe America is great.

Donald Trump may think he’s anti-politically correct but he’s really just an asshole. He’s made fun of the weight of private citizens, mocked a reporter with a disability and attacked Gold Star parents. This is not some First Amendment warrior martyring himself as “anti-PC”; this is an asshole who punches down.

Did I miss anything?

The Walking Dead S7 E3: The Cell

I spent Sunday night’s episode falling asleep on the couch so I probably missed a few things. That doesn’t necessarily indicate that I was bored because I am old and can fall asleep anytime after 9.

The entire hour was dedicated to the attempt to break Darryl down. He goes from shivering and naked in a cell to wearing a sweatsuit labeled with “A” for some reason to being tortured via music. Dwight takes his motorcycle and his vest. Finally, Negan can’t break him. Darryl is no Theon capitulating to Ramsay. He still knows his name.

I was entertained by the viewing of old Who’s the Boss episodes on VHS and all the music. (I wonder if downloads will spike for “A Town Called Malice” and that “Easy Street” song.) It was kind of fun to get a memory of pop culture and a very rare look at the world before.

I liked the deeper look into Dwight’s character, as I assume he’ll betray Negan, and the weird soap opera dynamic in Neganland, with him engaged to Dwight’s ex-wife (I guess? This was hard to follow in my sleepy state). I also liked the appearance of the well-dressed woman (did not catch her name) since it seemed very hallucinatory to see someone so normal looking in that world.

Negan is at least lively but I’m wondering if all the banter and talk about Lucille is sustainable. I would like to see more of the aspects of Negan that make him the leader of the Saviors. There must be more to him than that bat because it’s just a bat wrapped in barbed wire and anyone can make one. It’s not like he wields Excalibur. He seems powerful and vulnerable at the same time and I hope the show continues to establish why he has gained the cult following.

This wasn’t a bad episode but seemed kind of padded and thin. It was strange to have two episodes away from the main cast.

So much for that

As you may have heard, we had been pursuing a child for adoption recently but got the news that DFS has decided to go with another family who would best meet the child’s needs. Apparently there was some competition for him.

We’re disappointed, of course, but trying to stay hopeful. My default in most situations is despair so I’m trying not to let my mind slip into that groove. We only did get officially approved to adopt at the end of September so it’s not as if we’ve been on the waiting list for years or something.

Here’s the process as I understand it. We get periodic lists of kids in the foster care system who are available for adoption in Delaware (they can also search outside the state). We literally get a spreadsheet of information on kids who fit our criteria. When we’re interested in a child, we get some more information and a photo. Then DFS determines if we are a match. Then our caseworker makes the case for us to some kind of permanency committee. Then we have visits of increasing lengths with the child: A few hours at the foster family’s house, then overnight, then a weekend, etc. Transitions can be slow because if a kid is in school, they try to time them so they’re on a school break.

It’s kind of an odd feeling and messes with my sense of time. We’ve only been given the go-ahead for just over a month but we started taking classes in January and we were planning and discussing it before that so it’s in a sense hard to say how long we’ve been waiting. I’m encouraged that we at least had a viable child soon after our home study. I’m faithful that it will happen (hopefully before someone mistakes me for the kid’s grandfather) but it’s one of those “thou shalt not know the day or hour” things.

Despite our disappointment, we’re happy that this child may have found his parents, even if they’re not us.

I know her but I don't like her

To offer a break from this vitriolic election season, and since I am running dry on ideas lately, I’d like to discuss something totally different: This is (roughly) the 26^th anniversary of me not liking Mariah Carey. I believe the actual anniversary was Oct. 5 but records from back then are spotty at best so we have to make an educated guess.

To paraphrase what Mariah once said about Jennifer Lopez, I know her but I don’t like her. I have never once liked a Mariah Carey song. Not “Vision of Love.” Not “Hero.” Not “One Sweet Day.” Not “All I Want for Christmas.” Not “Loverboy.” Not “We Belong Together.” I don’t enjoy anything I’ve ever heard from this person on any level.

No Mariah Carey song has ever been “my jam.” I have no memories of attending a prom in the ‘90s and dancing to one of her yell-ballads.

She has some talent, sure. The counterargument to everything negative about Mariah Carey is always OCTAVES! OCTAVES! OCTAVES! No matter how many octaves the woman can hit — three or five or 19 — Mariah has yet to find the octave that makes me feel anything at all. When I hear her music, I don’t feel joy or sadness or desire or jealousy or any of the countless range of emotions that humans can feel. I’m just completely empty by the time her songs are over.

Mariah’s voice is like a sunset but all the colors are beige. It’s a metronome that I roll my eyes at. She’s a stuffed lamb doll with foam packing peanuts where its soul should be.

I also don't care for the way Mariah poses for the camera. She seems to have one facial expression and it’s “condescendingly sexy.” She sort of turns her head and looks down at you and nods slowly as she sings, like she’s explaining sex appeal to a dimwit.

But I can’t escape her because there’s always some type of gossip, during which people discuss her space cadet escapades and conclude, “It’s just Mimi being Mimi. Why won’t you let Mimi be Mimi? Mimi Mimi Mimi.” She can be who she wants. Just leave me out of it.

In conclusion, what did Mariah Carey ever do to me, you ask? Nothing, and that’s the point.