I know her but I don't like her

To offer a break from this vitriolic election season, and since I am running dry on ideas lately, I’d like to discuss something totally different: This is (roughly) the 26^th anniversary of me not liking Mariah Carey. I believe the actual anniversary was Oct. 5 but records from back then are spotty at best so we have to make an educated guess.

To paraphrase what Mariah once said about Jennifer Lopez, I know her but I don’t like her. I have never once liked a Mariah Carey song. Not “Vision of Love.” Not “Hero.” Not “One Sweet Day.” Not “All I Want for Christmas.” Not “Loverboy.” Not “We Belong Together.” I don’t enjoy anything I’ve ever heard from this person on any level.

No Mariah Carey song has ever been “my jam.” I have no memories of attending a prom in the ‘90s and dancing to one of her yell-ballads.

She has some talent, sure. The counterargument to everything negative about Mariah Carey is always OCTAVES! OCTAVES! OCTAVES! No matter how many octaves the woman can hit — three or five or 19 — Mariah has yet to find the octave that makes me feel anything at all. When I hear her music, I don’t feel joy or sadness or desire or jealousy or any of the countless range of emotions that humans can feel. I’m just completely empty by the time her songs are over.

Mariah’s voice is like a sunset but all the colors are beige. It’s a metronome that I roll my eyes at. She’s a stuffed lamb doll with foam packing peanuts where its soul should be.

I also don't care for the way Mariah poses for the camera. She seems to have one facial expression and it’s “condescendingly sexy.” She sort of turns her head and looks down at you and nods slowly as she sings, like she’s explaining sex appeal to a dimwit.

But I can’t escape her because there’s always some type of gossip, during which people discuss her space cadet escapades and conclude, “It’s just Mimi being Mimi. Why won’t you let Mimi be Mimi? Mimi Mimi Mimi.” She can be who she wants. Just leave me out of it.

In conclusion, what did Mariah Carey ever do to me, you ask? Nothing, and that’s the point.