Possibly Misremembered Christmas Traditions

Every Christmas when we were little, my parents took us to see The Nutcracker at the local grand opera house. Afterwards, we would go to Gimbels and we each got an orange and a cinnamon stick, which we dunked in our peppermint (topped with a shot of eggnog if we’d been good). I remember Gimbel’s had a violinist and she would play “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel” if the temperature was above freezing and “Last Christmas” if it was below freezing. We had mistletoe hanging in various locations in the house back then. If you walked under one of the sprigs, you used to have to lie prostrate on the floor in front of the nearest nativity set and make air kissing sounds at the baby Jesus. It was always fun when we went to pick out a Christmas tree. We’d spend hours on the lot, testing each branch for suitability. My parents paid a bunch of women, dressed like the Virgin Mary with fake pregnancy bumps, to pull the tree home on a sleigh. We’d follow, very slowly, in our car. When we got home we’d pop 65 bags of Jiffy Pop, sew the popcorn with cinnamon-flavored dental floss (to be extra festive) and wrap the tree in it. The rest of the tree would be covered in mauve Victorian-style bows and miniature portraits of Santa Claus as interpreted by avant garde artists. There were no lights because lights would attract the ghosts of Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole and they’d come and put a curse on Christmas. The loudest person got to place the Garbage Pail Kid on top of the tree. On Christmas Eve, we’d have a traditional dinner of a goose injected with peppermint, fruitcake topped with krill, and egg salad with cinnamon and nutmeg. Then, if we could hold it down, we’d skip to 1 a.m. Mass, singing the Salsoul Orchestra Christmas album. We’d sit in the cry room and each simultaneously read out loud whatever Gospel nativity story the priest wasn’t reading. If the priest read Luke, two of us would read Matthew and the other two would read Mark. Back at home, we’d leave a plate of kale and stewed tomatoes out for Santa and go to bed. After two hours of sleep, we’d awaken pre-dawn and head downstairs. The person who could make the best case for being disappointed last Christmas would then be entitled to his or her own presents plus half the others’ presents. Then we’d each go see separate movies for the rest of the day.

The Dumbest Librarian

When I was in about second or third grade, our class made one of its periodic trips to the school library. I’m not sure how it came up but I asked the librarian if they had any books about superheroes. “Superheroes?” she asked. “You mean, like Abraham Lincoln?” Sigh. No, I most certainly do not mean Abraham Lincoln. Like, superheroes. I mean superheroes. Did Abe Lincoln wear a cape and have a secret hideout in the Arctic? Did he smash evildoers with a Mjolnir or carve them up with adamantium claws? Did he bravely serve in the Kree–Skrull War or give his life to defeat the Anti-Monitor? Did Abraham Lincoln ever punch Hitler in the nose? Then he’s not a superhero. Usually librarians are smart people but she was the dumbest librarian I’d ever met and I don’t think I’ve met a dumber one since.

Couch Potato 2016

These are some of the TV shows we watched this year. If your favorite show isn’t on the countdown, it means I’m not caught up with current episodes, I haven’t seen it at all, or I hate it.

10. American Horror Story. This was an improvement on the previous few seasons, which I checked out on early. There were some ridiculously Ryan Murphy moments but the structure of the show shifted enough to keep me guessing. I liked the social commentary with everybody using cameras to take footage of murder victims. It didn’t really overstay its welcome.

9. Veep. The only reason this is so low is because we haven’t seen all of season five. After the election, a story about a female president losing a race because of Electoral College shenanigans seemed too close to home so I needed a break. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is a national treasure.

8. Search Party. The irony was obvious but delicious, with Dory and her friends searching for a missing acquaintance who didn’t really want to be found and making most of it about themselves. The only thing Dory was really searching for was meaning for her life, and she wound up ruining her life and killing a guy in the process.

7. Luke Cage. This show really built up a world in its little corner of the Marvel Universe. Mike Colter was great as the principled, thoughtful, powerful Luke Cage. There were all sorts of great characters running around Harlem, like Misty Knight, Cottonmouth and Mariah Dillard.

6. Stranger Things. No deep analysis here. This show was just a fun adventure, a pitch-perfect throwback to ‘80s movies, right down to the synth theme song and Stephen King title font.

5. Better Call Saul. The stakes are lower on this Breaking Bad spinoff but it’s a treat watching Jimmy McGill transform into Saul Goodman and seeing his morals, such as they are, gradually slip. I’m loving the cat and mouse game between Jimmy and his brother and am rooting for Kim to have the career success she deserves.

4. Mr. Robot. I may have liked season two better than season one because it was very lyrical and dreamlike. The twist about Elliot’s whereabouts was obvious but I thought seeing the world through his eyes, comparing the fantasy elements to the reality, was fascinating.

3. The People Vs. OJ Simpson: American Crime Story. I had no idea that a miniseries about a 20-year-old murder case, which had already been dissected to death, would be so vastly entertaining. It’s not as much about OJ as a closer look at the actual people behind the often-caricatured lawyers Marcia Clark and Johnnie Cochran (Sarah Paulson and Courtney B. Vance, in career-best performances). A standout episode was “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia,” a revelation about the infuriating sexism Clark had to put up with.

2. Game of Thrones. Cersei, you magnificent bitch, pulling off the ultimate power move, blowing up the sept and killing your enemies in a bilious explosion of wildfire, drinking wine and looking like Maria von Trapp crossed with Rhythm Nation. What a fascinating, infuriating, sympathetic character. What the new queen did was the most jaw-dropping moment in season six, a season finale that saw King Tommen jump out a window, Queen Margaery die in wildfire (there was so much potential left with her character), the confirmation that Jon has Targaryen blood, and a bunch of other stuff. This was probably my favorite season of Game of Thrones, with great stories like the truly tragic revelation about Hodor’s life and Ramsay Bolton finally, finally dying after the incredible “Battle of the Bastards.” The chess pieces appear to be set for the end of the story.

1. The Americans. As great as Game of Thrones was, The Americans deserved the Best Drama Emmy for probably its best season yet. I’m just glad there were finally some award nominations the show and for the terrific performances of Keri Russell and Matthew Rhys as Soviet spies. The show juggled some major plot points and nailed them all. The overarching story was Paige’s discomfort with having to spy on Pastor Tim, meeting her mother’s terrifying anger as Elizabeth viciously tells her daughter to “find some other shit to volunteer for at that goddamn church.” The show managed to make the execution of Nina, which everybody saw coming for at least a season, still shocking when it happened. The betrayal of Young-Hee and Don was absolutely brutal as the Jenningses ruined the couple’s life to gain nothing at all, and Elizabeth lost a friend. Martha’s arc was harrowing, and the scenes when she made panicked phone calls in the park while surrounded by the FBI, with Elizabeth stalking her, were like a stress test for the heart. The show handled this perfectly, with Martha’s exile, and heartbreaking realization that she would be alone again, more haunting than her death would have been. William’s story as the spy denied a personal life before dying from a biological weapon was drily amusing and depressing. His stunning deathbed monologue about Philip and Elizabeth could serve as a thesis statement on the series itself: “A couple kids … The American dream … Never suspect them … She’s pretty. He’s lucky.” In their mission for the USSR, has the Jennings family inadvertently achieved that American dream that they’re working so hard against? With so many players and storylines cleared after season four, I don’t know where The Americans is going but I can’t wait to find out.

The Walking Dead S7 E8: Hearts Still Beating

OK, that was an improvement on the previous season seven episodes. The Walking Dead, I think, works much better when they can check in on several plots per episode, rather than having several one-story spotlight installments in a row. It’s more propulsive and more like the structure of comics, where there are several balls in the air at once. I wonder what this season would have been like if they’d interspersed stories throughout.

One downside to the structure of this season is that we didn’t get to see much of strong characters like Carol. Not that she had too much to do so far. She’s basically achieved the dream life of the post-zombie apocalypse world: She has a cozy home and plenty of food, and she puts her feet up and reads by the fire. This is pretty much the best it can get and there’s no point in constantly running for running’s sake. I also liked the checking in on Maggie and her copping a ‘tude and making that idiot at Hilltop give her his apple.

Some of this episode seemed to be structured like “Who Shot JR?” A few of the characters got into scenarios where they could kill Negan, including Michonne and Rosita. When Rosita had that monologue about every other person in the cast having some sort of defining trait or role, didn’t she seem to be telling the audience that she has no real character?

After that surreal pool game (at least they didn’t try to have any symbolic billiards, like a lingering shot of an 8-ball), straw man Spencer winds up gutted, conveniently clearing the board of anybody who really opposes Rick. Poor Olivia gets shot and Negan is still enough of a dick to make fat jokes even after the woman is dead. Eugene gets kidnapped by the Saviors, who probably realize they can exploit someone capable enough to make a bullet.

That whole bit with Rosita’s bullet missing Negan and hitting Lucille was ridiculous, as was his tantrum that the apparently pristine bat wrapped in barbed wire has been irreparably scarred. Does Negan actually think Lucille is a person? His obsession with that bat has been annoying me for weeks. I hope she picks a fine time to leave him.

I thought Rick and Aaron’s zombie battle in the lake was novel. I didn’t understand why Aaron started stuttering when the Saviors confronted him about the “you still lose” sign. I was saying, “Just explain it! Out with it! It was an innocent mistake!” It was kind of funny to see Rick get home to Alexandria and see what kind of trouble the kids got up to in his absence. The pool table is outdoors and there are intestines all over the driveway.

The reunion at the end was hopeful. I liked Darryl crying in Rick’s arms. Rick has the motivation to lead again but he should step aside and let someone else give it a shot. Maggie, Michonne and Carol are more than capable (but of course they’re holding Carol back to be the deus ex machina again).

Season seven wasn’t that great overall but had a few good moments.

Humiliating

Years ago in the newspaper they used to publish these “man on the street” questionnaires, and I guess they still do, where a reporter would survey random people about an issue of the day. Once I remember they asked people about whatever the scandal du jour was and what impact it would have on the world. I don’t remember what the issue was. It had to be almost 30 years ago so it was probably something that happened during the Reagan or Bush administrations, something totally forgotten now. This woman said, “It means these are the end times and Jehovah is going to come and put an end to it.” This woman’s name was Condoleezza, a name I’d never heard before, since it’s not a terribly common name and Condoleezza Rice had yet to rise to prominence. Well, the world never did come to an end, despite all the prophecies and preachers telling us the apocalypse was nigh, despite the ancient calculations of the Mayans that fizzled out on a cold last shopping weekend before Christmas. I wonder if today Condoleezza ever thinks of that interview in the paper and is embarrassed that the world still stands intact. I wonder if that was the most humiliating thing that ever happened to her in her whole life.

What I learned from watching the 'Simpsons' marathon

I didn’t watch all 600 episodes, of course, as working and sleeping are important to me. We had the Simpsons marathon on sort of whenever we were home and not doing anything else. Of course we caught some of the classic episodes early on, like “Boy Scoutz ‘n the Hood,” “$pringfield,” “Bart of Darkness,” “A Fish Called Selma” and “A Millhouse Divided.”

I was also interested in seeing some of the later run of the show. I’m sort of ashamed to admit that I haven’t been much of a fan in recent years. While I used to sit down every week to watch a new episode of The Simpsons, I haven’t regularly spent Sunday night with Homer in a long time. I felt the show had become kind of aggravating in the late ‘90s and early 2000s and was too gimmicky like with musical episodes and everyone playing other roles in period pieces, so I drifted away and started doing other things. I stuck with the classic episodes.

The recent episodes were not that bad. Nothing could touch “Bart Gets Famous” or “Marge vs. the Monorail” but I enjoyed them. They were all kind of a blur since I was doing other things during some of the installments but I was still amused. The only thing I didn’t care for was a change they made to the opening credits. I don’t care for how something flies through the clouds in front of the logo at the very beginning. It should just be that timeless shot of the clouds parting.

My verdict: Still pretty good. We all miss the old Simpsons and the show won’t hit the heights of “Rosebud” again. But it doesn’t have to. It was more than enough of an accomplishment that it hit those heights once.

It's just not that hard

“Adulting” is a word that shouldn’t be. It’s not just that I’m a prescriptivist prig who doesn’t like arbitrarily turning a noun into an adorable verb. It’s that people who say “Look at me, I’m adulting!” or “I need to adult” are doing the opposite of that: They’re being little kids playing at adult behavior temporarily. Adults just act like adults without the need for the cutesy label.

The upshot of this latest lecture from grandpa is the Adulting School I read about. This is not some class where people learn skills that would intimidate people of any age, like refinancing a house, caring for a sick or elderly parent, or changing careers. This is a class where people pay money to sit in a room and learn how to be on time for things, pay their bills and make their own dentist appointments. It’s Huntingdon Learning Center for people over 18.

I moved out on my own when I was 25. There were many times when I was not an adult (I was broke but spent what little money I had like an idiot) and there were probably childish things I did that I’ve forgotten about. But I was able to make it through without setting myself on fire. I went to the supermarket and cooked all by myself. I paid bills all by myself. I learned most of this just from having existed in a world where people just did these things and having observed and learned from them.

I mean, really: A class to make your own dental appointment? You pick up the phone and ask what time slots they have. It’s just not that hard.

There are skills people need to learn, like planning meals or paying bills, but you just sort of do them. You don’t need a class because there’s not much to it. Here are my tips on meal planning:

1. Make a list of what you want to eat for the week.

2. Go to the supermarket and buy the food for that list.

3. Try to stick to the list.

Here are my tips for paying bills:

1. Open your mail and see what you owe.

2. Make sure you have enough money to pay the bill.

3. Pay it.

There. I just saved some aspiring adults the money they would have spent on a class. Saving money an adulting skill. See, you’re already learning.

I took an adulting quiz with this group and it revealed that I have my adulting pants on! This is good news for someone over 40. Unfortunately, taking the class registered me for news from the Adulting School. I think I’ll keep it for now just to amuse myself.

Of course, the Adulting School serves cupcakes at the end. Of course they do, because it’s a food invented to be served at kids’ birthday parties.

The Walking Dead S7 E7: Sing Me a Song

Well, that wasn’t so bad. It just didn’t need to be a 90-minute episode. I appreciated Negan’s attempts to mess with Coral and intimidate him at the same time. I thought the kid’s performance of “You Are My Sunshine” was ridiculous. At least they didn’t go with something really maudlin and trite like “Mama’s Gonna Buy You a Mockingbird.” Coral’s eye socket looked really odd. It didn’t gross me out at all but it just looked like they put black makeup over it.

I guess “Sing Me a Song” was just setting a scene, emphasizing Negan’s cruelty. He keeps those women captive (it looked like a scene from Melrose Place). How dare any of them cheat on the man with 17 wives? He turns that guy’s face into grilled cheese. He even insults Olivia with a fat joke and makes her cry, just because. It seems like the point of the long running time was just “more.”

The Walking Dead does need to establish Negan as a figure of Jim Jones-like charisma who can command the loyalty and fear of the other Saviors. He also needs to provide some kind of rewards and kindness to his followers. Otherwise, they can easily depose him. Lucille is just a bat with barbed wire; anybody can make one. It has to be his charisma that controls people.

I am eager to see if the show juxtaposes Negan’s leadership and charisma with Rick’s because they have some more in common than they might admit. One thing that frustrates me with Rick’s leadership is how when the show wants to question it, they put the questions in the mouth of Spencer. Since Spencer is kind of annoying, any legitimate criticism he might have is easy to shut down, and that’s lazy writing because Spencer does raise valid criticism. His whole family did die and might have lived if Rick and the gang hadn’t come to Alexandria. There is a substantive debate to be had over whether or not killing the Saviors just made Negan’s dominance worse and got Glenn and Abraham killed. The writers need to put these arguments in the mouth of another character because with Spencer, it’s easy for people to ignore.

I was creeped out but ultimately amused by Negan holding Judith (while Chandler Riggs just kind of sat there, apparently unaware the camera was on him). It reminded me of when Doctor Doom would menacingly hold the kids of the Fantastic Four.

Next week we get another extra-long episode. Enough. I can see the premier and mid-season finale being over 60 minutes but I think four of eight episodes so far have been long. The content didn’t justify it. Extra-long episodes should be saved for something truly momentous and throwing them out all the time devalues the impact. Edit.