Ugh, the weather, amiright?

Hello. I’m one of your coworkers at one of the many nondescript offices throughout America. I’m only happy for a few non-consecutive days in May and September when the weather is mild and causes no friction whatsoever. The rest of the time, I’m miserable and cannot stop complaining about it.

My big thing right now is the unbearable heat and humidity that besets us like Satan’s yoke. Do you know it’s really the humidity that’s worse than the heat? Did you know that? Every morning, when I drag myself into the office, I’ll say “It’s so gross outside” to whoever will listen. At lunch, I’ll tell everyone I don’t even want to go outside because it’s “so disgusting.”

After June 21, expect a daily reminder from me that it’s getting darker a little earlier every day.

In the spring, the weather can be OK except for allergies. I won’t be able to breathe, but luckily, I’ll be able to get just enough air into my lungs that I can bitch about it constantly.

Sometimes in the spring, we’ll get a lot of rain. It will feel like it’s been raining every weekend, a fact I’ll point out at every meeting. Even if we get a beautiful Friday, you’ll hear my Eeyore-like warning that we should “enjoy it now, because it’s going to pour on Saturday and Sunday.”

Fall brings its own set of miserable problems. I just can’t decide what to wear because it’s either volcanically hot or glacially cold. Then there’s fog. I’ll be late to work because Action News said visibility is half a mile, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to drive when I can only see 2,640 feet in front of my face. So you can lead that meeting in my place.

But winter bedevils me most of all. Whenever people are discussing the latest dire snow totals in the hallways, expect me to top those forecasts. “I heard two to four,” you’ll say. I’ll jump out of nowhere and groaningly counter with “I heard four to eight” after getting my news from Worry Bead Networks. Whenever I hear a coworker speaking about plans for the weekend, defiant despite the possibility of snow or black ice, I’ll say, “Oh, you’re not going anywhere” with an unsolicited smirk and chuckle. I’ll be 90 minutes late every day because “they never plow.”

I will be in highest dudgeon when it snows in March, when you will hear my keening grief seep into the cubicles and offices. “Why, I thought we were done with this,” I’ll say. “They said we were.” If it isn’t sunny and at least 65º on the first day of spring, forget about getting any work done. You won’t be able to hear yourself think over my moaning “It’s supposed to be spring!”

There are other weather issues: aesthetically unpleasing forms of clouds, severe drizzle, breezes that are far from balmy, skies that are either too blue or not blue enough. Expect me to comment at length on all of them.

Just as a reminder, please keep the heat to 78º and the central air to 66º.