Hey, is there any way you could not blow the stop sign in front of our house?

That’d be great, thanks. I don’t even need you to stop dead and take a moment to admire the landscape. A rolling stop would be fine. Anything more than just whipping around the corner would be great.

As you know, I’m usually on the other side of this, railing at the drivers whose minds are stuck in first gear along with their cars, but that’s on the highway. I drive like a bat out of hell when I’m on the highway but in a residential neighborhood, I tend to slow down, since there are pedestrians, many of whom are kids walking to school. I figure I should respect the people who live in the neighborhood. Maybe you all could do the same?

I do have empathy for people trying to get the kids to school and they overslept and can’t find their shoes and lunches still need to be packed, etc. But that rolling stop will only take a fraction of a second, and you can make it up on the highway. If you don’t want me blowing a stop sign next to your house, maybe don’t do it near mine? Or if you’re just someone who’s late for work, here’s an idea: Get your act together at home so you can save 0.07 seconds and not have to ignore the stop sign.

Until then, if I see you coming and clearly not slowing down, I’m not going to pause while backing out of my driveway, as I would for other traffic on our street. I’m just going to back out, so if you don’t stop at the stop sign, you’ll stop for my car. I couldn’t care less if that annoys you. You know what annoys me? People blowing a stop sign in a residential neighborhood, especially when it’s next to our house, where we now have a child.

Our street is long and straight and kind of a cut-through for drivers, and some will go too fast over the speed humps, kind of bouncing over them. I’m sure they all resent those speed humps. Hey, asshole, those speed humps are there because of you. They’re to keep people from going too fast down our street, with the ton of kids who live here. But you do you, cowboy!

I hate to sound like Old Man McCurdy, waving his cane out the window at drivers, but it just isn’t a lot to ask for people to make even a rolling stop at a stop sign. You’re not speeding to negotiate a hostage situation; you’re just some schlub on his way to work like everybody else and can afford to lose a fraction of a second. I know it’s rough having to depress your foot slightly on the brake but you can do it. I believe in you.