Some White-Hot Takes on How 'Game of Thrones' Will End

Jon and Daenerys are consummating their affair when Bran bursts into (or rather, drags himself into) the room. He reveals his vision that Jon is a Targaryen, making Daenerys his aunt. The two are unfazed but they do have an intervention for Bran, with Sansa, Arya, Meera and many other cast members gathering to tell him how many lives he’s inconvenienced and ruined. They sentence Bran to confinement at Winterfell, where he sulks.

Varys proposes to Sansa. She politely declines.

The Wildlings finally just get sick of the snow. They migrate to Dorne for some R&R and to work on their tans.

Everyone gathers for Clegane Bowl. The Hound starts jumping around whimsically and pins the Mountain to the ground. However, the Hound gets distracted and cocky, leaving an opening for the Mountain to crush his brother’s head.

Qyburn proposes to Sansa. She politely declines.

Septa Unella escapes from the dungeon with the help of Gendry. He then takes her and the other surviving septas with him on a rowboat to journey to Qarth. The women serenade him with the old Westeros spiritual “Gendry, Row the Boat Ashore” as he rows.

Everyone in the cast lines up to have enthusiastic sex with Pod.

Arya goes to therapy. She realizes she doesn’t want to avenge anyone else, so she joins a needlepoint group. Theon joins her.

Missandei gets a job teaching VSL (Valerian as a Second Language). She and Grey Worm start a business selling pottery.

Bronn proposes to Sansa. She politely declines.

Melisandre is on a ship to Volantis when the ship takes a wrong turn and ends up in the Vale. Robin Arryn takes a fancy to Melisandre and she must spend the rest of her life trying to keep the child amused and fending off his adolescent breastfeeding needs.

Euron Greyjoy joins a Queen cover band and tours Westeros.

Brienne pledges loyalty to various characters and then betrays them for laughs. She’ll play the “I Never” drinking game with Tyrion, who will confide in her that he pooped himself at the Battle of Blackwater Bay. She’ll reveal this to everyone and laugh about it. Then Brienne will teach Davos the wrong definitions of polysyllabic words and mock him when he uses them wrong. Then Brienne will promise to Arya to take care of one of the direwolves and leave its cage open, letting it wander off.

Samwell will miss the entire battle, having gotten completely absorbed in the romance novels he finds in the library at the Citadel.

Yara proposes to Sansa. She politely declines.

The big battle of the White Walkers ends with the deaths of Jon, Tyrion, Brienne, Bronn, Jorah, the Mountain and a host of other characters. Lyanna Mormont wins the war almost single-handedly, killing over 400 White Walkers, including the Night King, with a combination of swordplay and yelling inspirational speeches at them.

After the battle, Daenerys decides against claiming the Iron Throne. Instead, she rides off into the sunset on one of the dragons, singing “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

A visible pregnant Cersei will have sex with Jaime next to Tyrion’s body. They then perform a (surprisingly credible) version of the ‘70s soft rock hit “(You’re) Having My Baby.”

At the end, Cersei will claim victory as the only power player left alive. She will be boozing on the Iron Throne when a slack-jawed Gilly walks into the throne room. Gilly will ask, “Is it called the Iron Throne because it’s made of iron?” Cersei will roll her eyes so hard, an aneurysm will burst. Gilly, First of Her Name, will then become Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, and Protector of the Realm.