New Kids Suck

I never liked New Kids on the Block. I’m not sure exactly what turned me off about them, as the reason is lost to the mists of adolescence, but I spent 1989­-90 mocking them and rolling my eyes. I never did the dance to “Hangin’ Tough” and the falsetto on “I’ll Be Loving You (Forever)” really irritated me. (I’m very particular about my falsetto: Prince’s falsetto makes me glad to be alive while Frankie Valli’s falsetto is like nails on the blackboard of my soul.)

So in the summer of 1990, I was down the shore with my family and spent my hard-earned Burger King paycheck on a boardwalk T-shirt that said “New Kids Suck.” I believe the shirt was black and yellow neon. We went to the boardwalk and I wore the shirt and got a range of reactions. One kid gave me a thumbs-up. One girl and her family stared at me in disgust. I don’t think my parents were thrilled to be seen with me wearing that shirt, while I assume my brother was amused. This was August 1990, which I remember because Iraq had invaded Kuwait and it was all over the news while we were on vacation. In June, New Kids on the Block had triumphed with their third number 1 hit, “Step by Step” (“Gonna get to you, giiirrl!”). In September, a few weeks after our shore trip, the New Kids scored their final top 10 hit, “Tonight.” Then the backlash suddenly set in, like the chill fall breeze that abruptly ends summer the day after Labor Day. I remember DJs making fun of “Tonight” on the radio. The boy banders had become personae non grata and would never get another top 10 hit.

To sum up, New Kids on the Block get their biggest hit yet, “Step by Step,” in June. In August, I prowl the boardwalk in my “New Kids Suck” shirt, my neon disdain displayed for thousands of tourists to see. In September, the public turns on New Kids on the Block. Now, I’m not saying my T-shirt is responsible for the decline and fall of America’s most beloved boy band, but who can definitely prove that it wasn’t?