How dare the government require us to wear pants in public?!

I know my Constitutional rights and you can’t make me wear pants in public places. I don’t care that the presence of pants may slow the spread of this urine-borne “disease.” I simply refuse to buckle to political correctness and cover up. Don’t tread on me (with pants)!

This is all about freedom. Specifically, it’s about my freedom not to face the onerous burden of covering a part of my body in public, not about your freedom not to catch a disease. My God-given rights to constant comfort don’t end where your feelings begin, snowflake. And my grandpappy didn’t fight at Grenada just so I can have my rights stripped away and be crushed under the boot of totalitarianism. Requiring people to wear pants during a pandemic is exactly the government overreach Alexander Hamilton warned us about in the Federalist Papers.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re going to say: “Cases of the urine-borne disease are spiking because we lifted the pants requirement too early in certain states, and people started flocking to bars and public gatherings wearing nothing below. We were warned and now we’re paying the price.” To that, I take off my pants, stomp my feet and offer the eternal cri de coeur of the aggrieved: “I shouldn’t have to!”

I’m just so over this pandemic. The weather’s just too nice for it. And when a critical mass of Americans decides something is over—even a fatal disease—it vanishes in a puff of smoke.

The other day, my friends and I decided to resist the government tyranny and go to a crowded bar without pants. All the other sheep patrons were appalled at our freedom. Sure, there were signs at the door saying, “Pants required during urine-borne disease pandemic,” but they’re not the boss of me.

The manager asked us all to leave, citing some government regulation. I told her, “Um, last time I checked, this was still America and we still have the First Amendment.” She looked at me like I had three heads. So I guess I showed her.

So yeah, now I have a court date because I was a freedom fighter for pantslessness. I know it’s an uphill battle against this lawless tyranny, but if I end up in a courtroom that has an American flag without a gold fringe, I may just prevail.