Step up your gender reveal party game

In the last few years, gender reveal parties have become more and more elaborate. It’s no longer sufficient just to cut into a cake that’s either pink for a girl or blue for a boy. Now people hire skywriters or blow things up in special hues to indicate the incipient vagina or penis. Expectant parents just keep trying to top one another. Recently, a gender reveal party in California involving explosives set off a huge wildfire.

 

Well, that’s bush league. You can do better than that.

 

If you not only want to keep up with the Joneses but top and humiliate the Joneses, here are some suggestions for gender reveal parties that will make that wildfire look like a sparkler.

 

Fly some B-52 bombers above your house. Have them drop 250,000 gallons of water into the backyard. The water will be dyed pink or blue depending on the baby’s gender. It will be like when they dye the Chicago River for St. Patrick’s Day, except with mass flooding.

 

Hang a pinata from the ceiling. If it’s a boy, fill the pinata with pressurized methylene blue. If it’s a girl, fill the pinata with hot Pepto Bismol. Depending on your baby’s gender, the partygoers (and furniture) will get skin irritation or burns, as well as a memorable surprise.

 

Have the party near gang territory and tell everyone except the parents the gender of the baby. If it’s a girl, party guests will all wear red T-shirts under their clothes. If it’s a boy, they wear blue T-shirts. At the moment of the big reveal, either the Crips or the Bloods will spy people wearing rival gang colors, and they’ll join the party in a fun, obstreperous way. The more the merrier!

 

Plant dynamite under either a pink Cadillac or a blue Mercedes. Blow up one of the cars depending on which gender the baby is. Do this near a school at recess, as everyone knows kids love explosions.

 

Lace the cake with ipecac and either pink or blue food coloring. After cake is served, at a climactic point of the party, the color of the copious waves of vomit will herald either a boy or girl.

 

Rent a helicopter and hover over the Amazon. As partygoers watch, spray the jungle with Agent Orange to defoliate a large area in either the shape of “BOY” or “GIRL.”

 

Now that society is catching up with the notion of gender non-conformity, there’s no need to be restricted by pink and blue. Instead, pick one city to nuke if it’s a boy and another to nuke if it’s a girl. This may sound like a lot of work but the hardest part is enriching the uranium, and the rest does itself. It’s a great way to break out of the pink/blue paradigm!