I can't decide

Hi. I’m an undecided voter from Mechanicsburg, PA. Or is it Mechanicsburg, OH? I can never remember. Anyway, I spend a lot of time at the diner eating pancakes while the New York Times interviews me. I’m aware there’s a presidential election happening soonish so I watched the debate Tuesday night.

 

And I still just can’t decide who to vote for.

 

I’m really wrestling with this! Do I vote to reelect President Donald Trump, a conservative Republican who has taken hard-right views numerous issues? Or do I vote for former Vice President Joe Biden, who is a more moderate Democrat? It’s like, do I want ketchup or catsup? Both candidates are interchangeable so I’m having trouble deciding.

 

Take racism, for example. At the debate, Trump was asked to denounce violent white supremacist groups like the Proud Boys. He declined to do so, and instead told the Proud Boys to “Stand back, stand by,” which the group is taking as a directive to commit violence. Biden did not encourage a white supremacist group to commit violence. These two positions are basically equivalent, so I can’t pick a candidate. Both sides!

 

Maybe there are some nuances here that just elude me. I just need more information than I’ve received for the last four years to decide on one of two candidates. Shall I vote for Trump? Do I choose Biden? Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach? I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk upon the beach.

 

I really don’t know if I’ll come up with an answer with just a month left in the race so I think I just need a little more assistance here. Perhaps some media companies will be kind enough to come to my house in the mythical undecided heartland of America and put me in a focus group to help me distinguish between two candidates who seem nearly identical. While they’re here, maybe they can also help me decide on other serious questions and issues, like “Cake or death?” and how to find my ass from a hole in the ground.