What did I miss?

Hey, everybody! I’m a time traveler from late 2019. I’ve jumped forward a year in time to test out my new time machine. What did I miss from 2020?

 

I left my timeline on Dec. 31, 2019. Everyone was gathered together at house parties and crowded bars, saying goodbye to the teens and ringing in the ‘20s. What an exciting time! I set the time machine for one year, and I just arrived in your era last night.

 

And I must say, I’m … a little confused. The first thing I did was turn on the New Year’s Eve Times Square shows (on a TV that was disappointingly not much more advanced than it was in 2019). Everything seemed very subdued. People were wearing those purple and yellow Planet Fitness hats but they were penned in small groups in these little dividers. I guess the organizers just wanted to give people more space in a more luxurious experience.

 

It must have been very cold in New York City because people had these little masks over their faces. Fashion sure has evolved in the year I missed. Cyndi Lauper was wearing some sort of face shield. Was she just coming from her shift as a welder, or is this some fashion statement I don’t understand? She always was a little unusual.

 

People were singing these weepy songs like “Imagine,” like they were comforting or coddling people. Come on, people—where’s the party? It was so quiet when the ball dropped as 2020 gave way to 2021. Maybe everybody was in bed.

 

Then this morning, I peruse the internet (on a laptop that was disappointingly not much more advanced than in 2019) and everybody is into this face mask fad. But they’re wearing them not just in cold areas but Florida and California. Did everyone have some sort of maxillofacial surgery?

 

People in your decade seem to be waiting in long lines for so many things. New iPhone maybe? What model are they up to by now, 15? At first I was worried there was some sort of scarcity, but then I heard everyone is getting $600 and may be getting $2,000, so I guess the economy is doing great if the government can afford that kind of largesse. What a relief!

 

I heard there was a lot of talk about Trump not accepting the results of the election. It seems Joe Biden beat him pretty soundly. That’s odd; I thought for sure Beto would have won.

 

I look further online to see what I missed in 2020. A lot more parents have turned to home schooling their kids. Apparently Washington state has a new football team with an unimaginative name and logo. There was also something last year called … Quibi? Rudy Giuliani’s hair dye didn’t hold up so well. The Four Seasons seems to have been very popular, but I can’t tell if it’s the hotel or the ‘60s group.

 

Wait—Chadwick Boseman died? What the hell?!

 

You know what: I don’t think I’m staying in 2021. I don’t know if I want any part in what you people have been up to in the last year. I think I’ll reset the time machine for 2030 and see if everything has blown over by then. Good luck, everybody.

 

(No, you can’t come with me.)