You’re violating my HIPPA rights!

How am I? How am I?!? How dare you ask me that! You’re violating my HIPPA rights!

 

You have a lot of nerve, passing me in the hallway and saying a casual, “How are you doing.” You might think this was just some breezy greeting but it’s not. It’s actually a major violation of my right to privacy, which has been enshrined in the Constitution of the United States of America for 250 years.

 

Where is HIPPA in the Constitution, you ask? I don’t know. It’s one of the amendments. I don’t have time to check which one. I do know you’re not allowed to ask me how I’m feeling today and even asking that question is a felony. This will result in major fines and jail time.

 

How I can I be sure, you ask? Um, I used to own a CrossFit gym and helped people fight obesity, so yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m an expert on federal health care laws. Plus, I’ve watched numerous YouTube videos on the subject. Last time I checked, the “P” in HIPPA stood for “Privacy,” so yeah—my privacy rights are protected. (I assume the second “P” also stands for privacy. Privacy was such an important concept to the Founding Fathers that they had to say it twice in that acronym.)

 

So you can’t ask me how I’m feeling or for any of my sacred health information. “Did you sleep OK?” Completely forbidden. “How’s your headache?” Blatantly illegal. “You doing alright?” A constitutional abomination. Every single person and private company and federal, state or local institution or official is prohibited under HIPPA for asking me anything about my health, even obliquely. I have business cards I hand out saying “Asking me my personal information is a HIPPA violation and you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law” whenever anyone invades my privacy with chit-chat. I also have a little HIPPA siren I set off to alert the authorities when people do ask because that information is between me and my doctor.

 

You’ll be hearing from my lawyer. I’m going to employ the services of the finest team of HIPPA lawyers and we’ll sue you in Federal HIPPA Court and you will be ruined for all time, as the law and the Constitution demand!

Who is Kang and what did he conquer?

Kang the Conqueror/Immortus makes his debut in the Marvel Cinematic Universe in the last episode of Loki. I didn’t care for this show. I liked the first episode but I quickly lost interest. I don’t care about Sylvie or the relationship between Loki and Luke (or is it Owen?) Wilson. The pace of the show was mired in molasses at times with a lot of Significant Looks that were held a beat too long. Plus Loki was curiously underpowered for a Norse god. I know he was powerless in the grip of the Tennessee Valley Authority but once free of the TVA, the only things he really did were throw a few energy bolts and conjure a blanket. This show just didn’t grab me. But anyway.

 

I’m in a holding pattern this week at work so I’ll briefly explain the long and twisted history of Kang. He debuted way back in Avengers #8 in 1964 and since then, he’s been the team’s foremost nemesis, even more so than Loki or Thanos. He’s a regular human with no powers but does have access to a time machine and advanced technology. Kang has taken on several different identities over the years.

 

Kang’s real name is Nathaniel Richards and he is an apparent descendant of Reed Richards’s father, also named Nathaniel. Kang was born in the 31^st century and to liven up the tedium in his life, sought out Dr. Doom’s time machine and traveled back to ancient Egypt in a ship shaped like the Sphinx. There he took on the identity of Pharaoh Rama-Tut and was defeated by the Fantastic Four, who were unstuck in time themselves. (This was about a year before Kang’s debut so his first appearance in publishing history was as Rama-Tut in Fantastic Four #19.) 

 

Kang ends up traveling into the 41^st century and conquers an already troubled Earth. He decides he wants to conquer a less war-torn planet so he travels back to the 20^th century and battles the Avengers, who defeat him. He returns to battle the team repeatedly and becomes involved in the search for the Celestial Madonna, who turned out to be the Avengers ally Mantis, who was destoned to birth a powerful child (a story that went nowhere). Kang ended up falling in love with Ravonna, a subject from one of his conquered worlds who later fell in love with him.

 

There was that time when it was revealed that Kang had been manipulating Iron Man from the beginning, and caused Iron Man to betray the Avengers and nearly kill the Wasp. This led to Iron Man being replaced by “teen Tony” from an earlier point in the timestream. Everybody hated this story and it has mercifully been forgotten.

 

Aside from Rama-Tut, Kang also assumed the identity of the Scarlet Centurion and fought the Avengers. His son Marcus later became the Scarlet Centurion. Kang’s other aspect is Immortus, basically an elderly Kang. The young Kang resents who he becomes as an old man, subservient to the Time Keepers. (Technically, the character in Loki may actually be Immortus, since it’s the end of the timestream and his costume is flowy like Immortus’ costume. However, the design of the statue at the end of the episode is pure Kang.)

 

So with all the time travel, Kang has split into many versions of himself. This tracks with Loki’s variant theory. There’s basically a whole lot to Kang’s history and I don’t even understand all of it.

 

Of course, there was that time when Kang actually conquered present-day Earth for a time. He warned the Avengers about the possible terrible futures they faced (everyone irradiated and dying, the Avengers being replaced by Ultron versions of themselves, etc.) and announced he would take control of the planet to keep it safe from those possible futures. He fought a vicious war against the Avengers with the help of the villainous tribes of the world, like the Atlanteans and the Deviant Inhumans.

 

This story started in Avengers comics in 2001 and ran for over a year, with many subplots and long-running stories getting resolved in the larger story. Usually, comics have a blurb on the cover saying “Part 1 of 6” or whatever. But the Kang story just went on and on and on, which was kind of cool since it mimicked a real war in that nobody knew when it would end. After a long battle, Kang nuked Washington, DC (which made Thor snap and leave the team since he couldn’t take the grief of surviving the attack when so many civilians died) and forced a surrender. The president of the United States went to sign the articles of surrender but Kang instead made then–Avengers chair the Wasp sign, just to stick the knife in further. Earth rebelled against their conqueror and it ended with Captain America punching out Kang in outer space.

 

The weird thing was, no other Marvel comic referenced the fact that Earth had been conquered, and nobody ever referenced this story again. You think you’d remember a thing like that.

That's what the money is for

If there is any kind of ticker-tape parade for Richard Branson or Jeff Bezos as the first multi-billionaires to go to space, I will not be attending. Call me old fashioned but I do not believe space should be open to filthy-rich tourists. Space should be for research to aid us in solving the very real problems we have on Earth—problems that are much more pressing than whether to charge six or seven figures for some oligarchs to take a pleasure trip.

 

We should not be lionizing either Branson or Bezos at all for what they’re paying to do. Luckily, I haven’t seen too much lionizing outside of the predictably dopey-dope morning news “Space Race!” stories. (Why investigate deeper or put these space flights in the context of their times when there’s a rhyming chyron that writes itself?)

 

There are already people who we should be lionizing for space travel: Astronauts. You know—people who have worked and studied for years and decades to get to space, rather than just paying for it. After Branson’s trip to space* ABC News interviewed the actual astronaut who went with him for about 3 seconds and cut her off at the end. Can’t waste valuable time interviewing someone who’s not a wind-burnt billionaire!

 

The whole stupid thing with the Virgin space plan is that it’s just another way for Branson to make money by selling trips into space for $250,000 a pop. So he’s ultimately doing it out of self-interest. I don’t find this inspirational. Maybe I’m just a cynical old person but I don’t dream of things like paying that amount of money to be weightless for a few minutes. I’d rather dream of things that are feasible on this plane of reality, and while I’m grateful for everything I have, there’s no way I’d ever be able to spare $250,000 for a space trip. If I ever did have a quarter of a million to spare, I’d probably just do something boring with it anyway, like donate to a bunch of food banks.

 

For just $28 million, you can travel to the Karman line at the edge of outer space and brag how you got higher than Branson. And you can count how many angels can dance on the head of a pin while you’re there, because those distinctions between altitudes, while scientifically important, mean little to us poor suckers on Earth. It’s Bezos who pisses me off more. Amazon has a long list of mistreating employees and avoiding taxes. I’m sure Bezos will announce some grandiose foundation to tackle the dire issues the peons on this planet are facing but you know how he could most effectively help? He can pay taxes, both on his own wealth and his company’s value, and let the government use that collective power in the service of our citizens. Again, call me old fashioned, but that’s another thing I believe in.

 

Bezos could also use some of that money to treat his employees better. I don’t know exactly how much he’s invested into going to space, but disseminating it to real people could probably go a long way to help the Amazon drivers who are pissing in bottles because they don’t have time to go to the bathroom.

 

Jeff Bezos is worth over $200 billion. That is an obscene amount of money that nobody could ever spend on themselves. He can afford to pay higher taxes, treat employees better, and do something better with his money.

 

Yeah, you might say, “It’s their money and they can do what they want with it.” But we live in country where a lot of people will glare at people in supermarkets who are using their EBT cards to pay for any food nicer than gruel. “Those are my tax dollars paying for that pork chop,” people huff. Let’s expand some of that financial scrutiny to people who are richer than Croesus yet do not pay their fair share of taxes—taxes they could easily pay and not even feel.

 

What will really rankle me is if people like Branson and Bezos and Elon Musk expect the public to fawn over them once they go to space, like they need another reward. If they’re rich enough to do all this stuff, they’ve already received their reward. As Don Draper told Peggy Olson, “That’s what the money is for.”

 

So these people can fight among themselves about who’s going to space first and roll around in their money, but don’t expect a parade. It’s hard to argue any of these people care about the public when they’re paying to leave the planet.

The Next Sky

I cannot yet know what the next sky will bring, still a flip of the horizon away.

 

Will it be big, blooming dollops of cumulonimbus flirting between summer sun and thunder, giving at least a probability that the day may still be mine? Or the surer pall of clouds pulled over the day like a funeral shroud, calling an end to any recreation?

 

Maybe we will luck out and as the world turns eastward, nothing but the bluest skies will finish out my afternoon. But I cannot know the combination of blue and white and gray awaiting me.

 

For the moment, the sun peeks tenaciously from between clouds and systems, and so I take the plunge. Thunder echoes, too far away for lightning but I seize the salt water while I can and do not let go of it until nature forces me. 

 

Of course it broke

I’ve whined about this before but this is a periodic reminder that the Christmas Tree Shop sucks. Most everything I’ve bought from there turns out to be a cheap piece of crap that breaks, and the store is annoyingly crowded and everyone in there moves like molasses.

 

I avoid that place but was in there a few weeks ago to buy pool noodles, since Target was out of them. I figure, it’s no big deal if a pool noodle is cheap and breaks since they don’t last more than a summer. While I was there, I bought an umbrella I saw while waiting in line. I needed one because I lent my son my umbrella that morning since it was raining and he was going to be outside all day at camp. I ran a few errands at a few stores and couldn’t find an umbrella so I figured, what the hell. I’m in line and it’s right here. I also figured, this thing won’t last long.

 

I got literally two uses out of the umbrella and of course it broke. I mean, why wouldn’t it break? I’m surprised it didn’t explode while I was walking out of the store. It’s still usable so I’ll keep it for a backup but one of the spokes is loose.

 

I’m sure the Christmas Tree Shop has its fans but for me, it’s just a bunch of cheap crap—dollar store quality but more expensive. The last thing I got was a patio umbrella because our other one broke so I needed one soon and it was cheap. I should say it was inexpensive and also cheap. The umbrella had no holes at the top to ventilate air so I had to cut some. It would still be taken easily by the wind so it was always sort of rotating around. But I figured, this is already a sunk cost, so I’ll stick with it. I didn’t notice how crappy the umbrella was until I got a new one this year and it stayed perfectly still. Sometimes you’re just better off paying more.

 

Instead of Christmas Tree Shops, they should call the store the Shit Shack, or Sunk Cost Fallacy, or False Economy, or Ritzy Dollar Store.