You’re violating my HIPPA rights!

How am I? How am I?!? How dare you ask me that! You’re violating my HIPPA rights!

 

You have a lot of nerve, passing me in the hallway and saying a casual, “How are you doing.” You might think this was just some breezy greeting but it’s not. It’s actually a major violation of my right to privacy, which has been enshrined in the Constitution of the United States of America for 250 years.

 

Where is HIPPA in the Constitution, you ask? I don’t know. It’s one of the amendments. I don’t have time to check which one. I do know you’re not allowed to ask me how I’m feeling today and even asking that question is a felony. This will result in major fines and jail time.

 

How I can I be sure, you ask? Um, I used to own a CrossFit gym and helped people fight obesity, so yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m an expert on federal health care laws. Plus, I’ve watched numerous YouTube videos on the subject. Last time I checked, the “P” in HIPPA stood for “Privacy,” so yeah—my privacy rights are protected. (I assume the second “P” also stands for privacy. Privacy was such an important concept to the Founding Fathers that they had to say it twice in that acronym.)

 

So you can’t ask me how I’m feeling or for any of my sacred health information. “Did you sleep OK?” Completely forbidden. “How’s your headache?” Blatantly illegal. “You doing alright?” A constitutional abomination. Every single person and private company and federal, state or local institution or official is prohibited under HIPPA for asking me anything about my health, even obliquely. I have business cards I hand out saying “Asking me my personal information is a HIPPA violation and you will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law” whenever anyone invades my privacy with chit-chat. I also have a little HIPPA siren I set off to alert the authorities when people do ask because that information is between me and my doctor.

 

You’ll be hearing from my lawyer. I’m going to employ the services of the finest team of HIPPA lawyers and we’ll sue you in Federal HIPPA Court and you will be ruined for all time, as the law and the Constitution demand!