Crypto? Take My Money!

We recently sold our rental house and got a nice little windfall in return. I’ve been doing a lot of research on the best way to spend or invest the money. I considered a few options: Paying off credit card debt, bolstering retirement savings, putting more toward our son’s college fund. I carefully weighed the pros and cons of each.

 

Then I saw the Super Bowl commercials, and I metaphorically crumpled up all the lists I’d made and threw them in the trash, because I’ve decided the best way to spend all our money is on … cryptocurrency! Yeah, baby! Easy money!

 

I was transfixed by that awesome commercial by Coinbase, with the QR code bouncing around like a screen saver. I hurriedly scanned the code and I immediately got 15 bitcoin! Is this worth $15 or will it potentially be worth $15 million someday? Who knows? That’s the thrill of web3! I felt such a rush and I immediately gave Coinbase all my information and sent them the first installment of my cash.

 

The company caught me just in time: Earlier that Sunday, I had decided that when the bank opened, I would put some of our extra cash into a boring old savings account, which stupid people do with their money. But who needs to deposit money into an FDIC-insured account and have access to money in an emergency when you can swagger to the roulette wheel and put all your money on red? Who needs stability in an unstable world when you can voluntarily choose more instability?

 

Sure, you can risk your money in the stock market. But that’s constrained by the wet blankets at the SEC. Isn’t it more fun to turn your cash into a decentralized, unregulated currency? There won’t be any pesky G-men bothering me (or protecting me)!

 

OK, I’m not completely naïve here. I did do my due diligence and investigate the risks with crypto. I know if the crypto bubble bursts, I could lose everything as it’s much riskier than a regular investment, with no guardrails. I know that lack of regulation leaves crypto especially vulnerable to scams and money laundering, with fewer protections for people who get ripped off. I know the whole thing is a warren of confusing laws, which could change at any time.

 

But here’s a great counterargument: Larry David made a pretty funny Super Bowl commercial shilling crypto! So take my money! I mean, I’d already been pretty sure I wanted to trust the fiduciary acumen of Matt Damon and Reese Witherspoon—people with enough money that they could afford to lose it in an unregulated currency—but Larry David really reeled me in. They must really believe in this baseless money they’re advertising. Why else would they do commercials for it?

 

Signing over our house sale money to implicitly trusted companies—like Coinbase, Candy, and Blockdaemon—is just the beginning. I asked the HR guy to convert my paycheck directly into Ethereum (he just raised an eyebrow at me and walked away—I assume because he was stunned by my financial savvy). I’m also cashing out my 401k to invest in blockchain, because it’s a much smarter bet to dream of potential cash than be fully vested after 20 years of employment with the same company, which fully matches my contributions.

 

What am I going to do with all my millions in a few months when I cash out my digital wallet, you ask? I’m plowing it all into NFTs. Specifically, I have my eye on an NFT of Clippy. Then I’ll sell that and buy my own island.

 

I can’t lose!

The Big Game™

Hey, everybody! Who’s ready for the Big Game™? Everybody knows you can’t be ready to watch some of the redacted sport without snacks! So today we’re showing you how to make chicken wings, nachos, and all sorts of tasty creations!

 

I’m all dressed up in my generic jersey, in colors that may or may not be relevant to the teams involved in the upcoming sports championship, to cook for you today. Now, I love wings. I have so many fond memories of watching the Big Game™ on TV as a child around a certain weekend day at a certain time of year. I remember vividly when a team from one big Northeastern city—with a warrior archetype as its mascot—played another team from a Midwestern city with a stylized animal logo on its helmets. It was unforgettable: One team had scored fewer numerals until the very end of regulation, when that team scored in the most improbable way to win and hoist a trophy named after a famous bygone coach!

 

No, I’m sorry. I can’t be more specific. You’ll just have to infer what I’m implying. The association in charge of this sport has forbidden our show from mentioning the name of the sport, the league, the teams, or the specific championship contest. This league tends to be very protective of its trademark—perhaps even more protective than it is of its employees who recently testified to Congress about the abuse inflicted on them by the bosses in their recently rebranded company whose mascot once invoked a stereotype of an unnamed indigenous group.

 

Now, I enjoy a dry rub on my wings. I start with paprika and celery salt. Then just a pinch of red pepper. I also like a dash of sugar, just to counterbalance everything. Toss the wings in this mixture and let sit for a little bit. This makes for a very spicy treat for the Big Game™! Almost as spicy as the lawsuit by a former Black coach who is suing several teams in the league, which we cannot name, for discriminatory hiring practices. Anyway, these wings will put a little spice in your tank! Kind of like how said coach alleges he was offered a bribe from the team’s owner to tank games.

 

You’ll want to cook the wings for about 45 minutes over 400º heat, turning them frequently. You’ll know they’re cooked when there’s a delicious glaze over them. I have a few already cooked so let me try these … oh. Mmm! So good! Oops, I got a little dry rub on my blank primary-colored jersey!

 

These Big Game™ wings are unspeakably good—almost as unspeakable as the recent pasts of players who have beat their wives and girlfriends and whose horrible acts are only spoken of by announcers for the anonymous sport in question as “recent troubles off the field.”

 

But I digress. Hey, who wants nachos?