The Big Game™

Hey, everybody! Who’s ready for the Big Game™? Everybody knows you can’t be ready to watch some of the redacted sport without snacks! So today we’re showing you how to make chicken wings, nachos, and all sorts of tasty creations!

 

I’m all dressed up in my generic jersey, in colors that may or may not be relevant to the teams involved in the upcoming sports championship, to cook for you today. Now, I love wings. I have so many fond memories of watching the Big Game™ on TV as a child around a certain weekend day at a certain time of year. I remember vividly when a team from one big Northeastern city—with a warrior archetype as its mascot—played another team from a Midwestern city with a stylized animal logo on its helmets. It was unforgettable: One team had scored fewer numerals until the very end of regulation, when that team scored in the most improbable way to win and hoist a trophy named after a famous bygone coach!

 

No, I’m sorry. I can’t be more specific. You’ll just have to infer what I’m implying. The association in charge of this sport has forbidden our show from mentioning the name of the sport, the league, the teams, or the specific championship contest. This league tends to be very protective of its trademark—perhaps even more protective than it is of its employees who recently testified to Congress about the abuse inflicted on them by the bosses in their recently rebranded company whose mascot once invoked a stereotype of an unnamed indigenous group.

 

Now, I enjoy a dry rub on my wings. I start with paprika and celery salt. Then just a pinch of red pepper. I also like a dash of sugar, just to counterbalance everything. Toss the wings in this mixture and let sit for a little bit. This makes for a very spicy treat for the Big Game™! Almost as spicy as the lawsuit by a former Black coach who is suing several teams in the league, which we cannot name, for discriminatory hiring practices. Anyway, these wings will put a little spice in your tank! Kind of like how said coach alleges he was offered a bribe from the team’s owner to tank games.

 

You’ll want to cook the wings for about 45 minutes over 400º heat, turning them frequently. You’ll know they’re cooked when there’s a delicious glaze over them. I have a few already cooked so let me try these … oh. Mmm! So good! Oops, I got a little dry rub on my blank primary-colored jersey!

 

These Big Game™ wings are unspeakably good—almost as unspeakable as the recent pasts of players who have beat their wives and girlfriends and whose horrible acts are only spoken of by announcers for the anonymous sport in question as “recent troubles off the field.”

 

But I digress. Hey, who wants nachos?