I’m actually over here laughing! 😂 You can tell by all the laughing/crying emojis I’ve been posting!
It’s funny, it really is. First, I start yapping about how I’m dissatisfied with Twitter’s moderation and content and start buying a majority of shares. But—LOL—I don’t want to join the board because then I’d have to submit to their scrutiny. So I figure, I’ll have to spend $44 billion and buy the company outright.
Then, if you can believe this, I tried to get out of the deal! 😆 I had second thoughts and started complaining about Twitter having too many bots on its site. I said I wasn’t going to buy it unless they were more transparent about the bots. HAHA! Then, Twitter sued me to force me to complete the deal! Those were some hilarious times! I’m dying over here! 😂 😂 😂
Get this—I paid $44 billion for Twitter, a company that’s never really been profitable! 😂 I could have gotten away with paying $50 a share but instead I raised it to $54.20, just to make a hilarious marijuana joke! This will cost $1 billion a year in interest and fees. I’m banging on the table laughing! 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂
The funniest part is, it isn’t even real money! 😆 It’s all bank loans and Tesla stock! The day we announced the acquisition, Tesla stock dropped 12 percent and we lost $21 billion on paper! 😆
LOL I can’t even see through my hysterical tears! 😂 😂 😂
The hilarity continued when I walked into Twitter headquarters carrying a kitchen sink. How the world laughed and laughed at me! It got even funnier when I removed the blue check process and said I’d charge $20 to be verified. Stephen King told me to go to hell! 😆 Then I said people could pay $8 for verification. People complained that this would mean anybody could buy verification and that important sources of information might not be seen by the public! Then we scrapped the whole thing!
HAHAHA! It’s like I don’t even understand the company I bought! Like I don’t get that the product we produce is content from posters and that Twitter will fail if too many people leave! 😆 😆 Too funny.
I just had to laugh at all the people who were impersonating Twitter posters. Like when someone impersonated Pepsi and told people to drink Coke! Or when an Eli Lilly parody account tweeted that the price of insulin was free and the company lost millions in market cap! Classic!
The one thing I’m not laughing at is when people parody me. It’s not funny. It’s not funny at all. I’m a free speech absolutist, but that really only extends to hate speech. I have no problem with people tweeting the N-word or antisemitic conspiracy theories. But if you impersonate me, I delete your account.
The last few weeks have been particularly amusing! I fired everybody, LOL! 😂 Even funnier, we did it over email! Advertisers started pausing campaigns! Then I got this class action lawsuit because I didn’t give people enough severance, which violated some California law. One time I fired a bunch of people and had to ask some of them to return because those people were actually critical to running Twitter and we were flailing without them! 😝😝
But the best—the best—is the other day when I gave people an ultimatum: either be ready to work hardcore at high intensity, achieving some benchmarks we haven’t defined, or you’ll be fired. So there were mass resignations! 😆 Turns out we can barely keep the lights on at Twitter now! The people who quit were in charge of payroll and other critical services! I'm hearing Twitter could have a catastrophic failure as soon as tonight! 😆 So three weeks after my acquisition, the site that I paid $44 billion for is barely functional!!!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I’m dying over here, guys!!!
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