You Will Apologize

The scene is Harry Styles’s house. Harry, dressed in a sequined leisure suit, is tied to a chair and has a black eye. A man and a woman in Beyoncé T-shirts stand in front of him wielding baseball bats. Outside snipers in similar T-shirts aim rifles at the house.

 

Harry Styles: Who are you? What do you want? I can give you money, jewelry, feather boas—just name it. And please don’t hurt me.

 

Woman: We don’t want your material possessions. We just want you to apologize to The Queen.

 

Harry Styles: What? But she died months ago. We have a king now.

 

Man (grabs Harry’s lapels): No, you fool! Not Elizabeth! The true queen! Beyoncé Gisele Knowles Carter!

 

Woman: You owe her a huge apology!

 

Harry Styles: Well, I don’t know what I did but …

 

Woman: Don’t know what you did? Don’t know what you did?!

 

Man: The whole planet saw what you did! You stole what was rightfully hers!

 

Harry looks confused.

 

Man: The Grammy for Album of the Year! She was entitled to it for Renaissance!

 

Woman: It should have been hers. It should have been hers!

 

Man: And then you stand on stage and just accept the Grammy for Harry’s House like nothing happened. Like it wasn’t a massive injustice. An art atrocity. And you do so without a word of apology. Don’t you care about Beyoncé’s feelings?!

 

Harry Styles: She seemed OK when I spotted her after the ceremony. Had a little bit of trouble juggling the three Grammys she won that night, but she didn’t look upset at all.

 

Woman: Your speech was such a slap in the face. Not a word of apology for taking what was rightfully hers for a generational album.

 

Harry Styles (sotto voce): Can we really say an album is “generational” six months out?

 

Woman: What a disgrace. Not a word of contrition.

 

Harry Styles: Well, it’s not like I gloated about it. I tried to be gracious and humble. I mentioned that the other artists nominated had inspired me and …

 

Woman: Other artists? Other artists?!

 

Man (aiming the tip of the bat at Harry’s face): There are no other artists! There is only Beyonce! Bow down, bitches!

 

Woman (bows): Yaaasss, queeeen! Slaaaayy!

 

Harry Styles: OK, I know you’re disappointed and I thought Renaissance was a great album. But can we really say Beyoncé is snubbed or unappreciated on the same night when she received her—what, 32nd?—Grammy, the all-time most for any artist? Is she really the underdog here?

 

Man: I just don’t think she gets enough critical respect. All those music writers raved about her albums and she still can’t win the big award. Disrespectful!

 

Woman: Man, she can’t catch a break!

 

Harry Styles: Disrespectful? But all the raves from critics about her album are a form of critical re—

 

Woman: Silence! I mean, it’s not like she even needs these petty Grammys. She recorded a landmark tribute to queer Black dance music and now she’s too busy counting the $24 million they paid her to perform a private concert in Dubai.

 

Man: Ugh, don’t remind me. I tried to use my husband’s connections to get a ticket but was advised by the State Department not to travel to Dubai.

 

Woman: Bummer. Anyway, it’s not like Beyoncé needs your Grammy. But you will apologize. You will do so sincerely. You will do so to an international audience.

 

Harry Styles: I’m confused. You said she didn’t need the Grammy but you’re upset she didn’t win. And can’t I be happy I won? Why should I be sorry? I didn’t give the award to myself; the voters did.

 

Woman: Pathetic. He’s no Adele, that’s for sure.

 

Man: Right? At least Adele had the grace to be abjectly sorry when 25 won over Lemonade. Although I do think she should have gone further and actually given that Grammy to Beyoncé. It would have been nice.

 

Harry Styles: And what if I don’t?

 

Man (chuckles darkly): You’ll find out. You don’t want to know what we did to Beck when Morning Phase won over BEYONCÉ.

 

Harry Styles: Hey, I liked Beyoncé.

 

Woman (grabs Harry’s lapel): No, no—not Beyoncé. BEYONCÉ. All caps. Say it again and let me hear the uppercase in your voice: BEYONCÉ.

 

Harry Styles: BEYONCÉ.

 

Woman: I can’t heeeear you!

 

Harry Styles: BEYONCÉ. BEYONCÉ! I’ll do whatever you want! Just call off your Beyhive!