Time flies when you're being flayed alive

Has it already been a year since our last normal day before the Mayan Apocalypse? How time flies when you’re being flayed alive by demons as lava bubbles up from the poisoned Earth below you.

How I remember that last day of normalcy. With the sun hugging the horizon, I went about my business blissfully. I went to work. I cooked dinner. I watched TV. And how I scoffed at those who were making their final preparations before the world went to hell. Oh, how I scoffed. I mean, how could the end of a calendar from thousands of years ago prophesy anything? How could we possibly read “Apocalypse” into any of that? But I learned a hard lesson the next day.

The image will be forever burned in my mind. We were driving to Ohio for the family Christmas party. All of a sudden, dead ahead of us, the eastern sun turned black. The earth shuddered and cracked, leaving the Pennsylvania Turnpike a charred and smoking mess. I could hear them all around: the flapping of wings and screeching coming from a million horrors thought long dead, once again walking the Earth.

Then I saw it: the advancing army of zombies, the reanimated corpses of the ancient Mayans come to destroy all those who laughed off their prophecy. Idiots like me who thought 2012 was just a disaster movie. A year ago tomorrow, Dec. 21, 2012, nothing was left of Christmas joy except the torn wrapping paper and scorched wreaths of how we once lived.

Oh, I guess it isn’t so bad now. I’ve grown accustomed to our new Mayan overlords and the beatings don’t really even hurt anymore. But I can’t help but look back one year ago at the society we were and wish I’d appreciated what we had a little more. I will never scoff at an Apocalypse prediction again.

Brian's I'm-a-Couch-Potato Top TV of 2013

Oh, here we go. I watch a lot more TV than I go to the movies and I agree with the argument that TV is better quality than the movies these days since there are shows I will not miss but very few movies that I have to see immediately. Here’s the best of what I saw in 2013. (There are a few shows that would score high on this list, such as Mad Men and Veep but I’m still catching up and didn’t see a 2013 episode of either.)

9. The Goldbergs. I find The Goldbergs to be delightful with the great touch of ending every episode with the actual ‘80s home videos from the show’s creator that portray what the episode recalled. The show is more than just a greatest hits parade of ‘80s kitsch since the family dynamics have an emotional truth that transcends the decade. At first the anachronisms bothered me as the show mixed up cultural touchstones from different points in the decade but I realized they don’t matter because that’s how families remember things: We don’t always remember what year something happened and events get all mixed up in time.

8. American Horror Story: Coven. I will have to wait until the series ends to see what point it might be trying to get at. The show is worth it to watch Jessica Lange, Angela Bassett and Kathy Bates chew scenery.

7. The Walking Dead. I finally gave in and started watching, despite my disinterest in zombies. We just finished season 3, which notably improved on season 2’s torpor at the farm. I was happy to see the season end with Rick realizing how cold he’d become to strangers and letting some Woodbury people stay at the prison. When the world is overrun with zombies, humans can’t afford to go killing (or not trying to save) what few humans are left, not without a really compelling reason.

6. House of Cards. This show was a fun, campy potboiler. I don’t know enough about the inner workings of politics to know if it’s realistic but one thing I do question is why Kevin Spacey would leave the gorgeous, commanding Robin Wright to have an affair with annoying, ferret-faced Kate Mara. I assume season 2 will be about Spacey’s fragile power falling like the titular house of cards, given the awful thing he did in season 1, which I’m sure won’t stay a secret for long.

5. Parks and Recreation. I guess NBC will just show this sporadically whenever it wants between reruns of Ow! My Balls! or whatever’s on that network now. Parks and Rec, despite not quite being able to hit the delirious high notes of seasons 3 and 4, is still a riot. I am happy to see the characters’ situations evolving, with Leslie being recalled from council and Ann and Chris leaving Pawnee.

4. The Middle. This show is criminally underrated and gives me the loudest laughs of any sitcoms on TV. Not since Roseanne has a sitcom taking such a bracing look at what the lower middle class has to go through to survive. The cast is absolutely stellar.

3. Orange Is the New Black. Speaking of a stellar cast, I’ve never seen one like this incredibly diverse group of women prisoners. This show was a little picaresque for me at first and didn’t lead to urgent viewing until the last few episodes really moved the plot along. The best part of this show is the sympathetic back stories that so many of the women get and I need many more of these back stories, including for characters like Taystee, Poussey and the nun. The characters are much more than easy caricatures, which I saw clearly in the heartbreaking scene when bug-eyed Suzanne asked Piper why everyone calls her Crazy Eyes.

2. The Americans. Oh God I can’t wait until this show returns in February. It is an absolutely riveting, pulpy look at Soviet spies in America in the early ‘80s. The spies not only go on thrilling missions but also have to deal with their ambivalence toward their marriage and ostensible American citizenship. The most thrilling moment all season was a rightfully enraged Keri Russell beating the hell out of Margo Martindale, waterboarding her and screaming “Show them your face!” Then there are all the ‘80s wigs, costumes and music. Tusk!

1. Breaking Bad. People who know me are probably sick of hearing me proselytize about this show but Breaking Bad is one of those rare cultural phenomena that deserves the universal, sometimes hysterical praise it gets. I thought the series kept getting better and by season 5, it had earned its title as my favorite show of all time. The series climaxed with the perfect episode of television, “Ozymandias,” and wound down with two hours of denouement that actually did tie up most of the loose ends and gave Walter White a poetic ending. This show was a rare combination of staggering levels of acting, writing and direction.

Brian's I'm-Not-Well-Rounded Top Albums of 2013

I listen to new music more often than I go to the movies but not too much more. Here is how I rank the narrow list of new music I heard in 2013.

9. Delta Machine by Depeche Mode. Back when artists would release at least one album per year, it was easy to brush off a bad one because a new album would be along shortly. Today it’s disappointing when an artist releases a bad album, especially when that artist is on a schedule of one album per presidential inauguration. Depeche Mode was away for four years and this is what they came up with? What a waste of my time and theirs.

8. The 20/20 Experience by Justin Timberlake. I won’t be back for part 2 (of 2). It’s OK but the songs go on way too long without justification. I like the trill effect on the single “Suit and Tie” but I don’t get the accolades for “Mirror.” As a love song, it’s narcissistic and misguided because if you tell someone “It’s like you’re my mirror,” you’re really saying “When I look at you, all I see is myself.”

7. Artpop by Lady Gaga. I only listed to Artpop (I stand corrected — ARTPOP) once and will give it a few more spins. It’s alright but unbalanced. On the good side are the seductive “Do What U Want” and slurred ballad “Dope,” while on the bad side are first single “Applause,” which sounds generic to me, and the terrible “Venus.” I am a little disappointed that after all Lady Gaga’s talk about merging art and pop, so many of the songs have that same-y car alarm dance sound. There should be more variety. 

6. Reflektor by Arcade Fire. I’m not sure what to make of it yet. I like “Here Comes the Night” but during the title track, I get a little tired of hearing the word “Reflektor” after they repeat it 2,700 times.

5. Thr!!!er by !!!. This wasn’t the band’s best work but was still a fun album, although a little mellower than previous efforts.

4. Hesitation Marks by Nine Inch Nails. The title apparently refers to the marks people leave on their wrists when they try to slit them but don’t go through with it so Hesitation Marks is sort of a sequel to The Downward Spiral in which we find out what happened to the guy after he didn’t commit suicide. I love the aggression of “Copy of a” and other songs like “Satellite” and “Came Back Haunted.” “Everything” is bizarrely upbeat and sounds out of place. My only complaint is starting the album with some ponderous instrumental bullshit like “The Eater of Dreams.” If you have a great song like “Copy of a,” just open the album with that instead of some droning intro.

3. Nanobots by They Might Be Giants. I love how They Might Be Giants sort of reprised “Fingertips” with the handful of short tracks interspersed through the album, like “Hive Mind,” “Decision Makers,” “Nouns” and “There.” I liked Nanobots much more than some of their recent work.

2. Electric by Pet Shop Boys. After the snoozefest album Elysium, the Pet Shop Boys returned nine months later (as if issuing a corrective) with the wonderful Electric, a collection of nine bangers. It’s PSB’s vintage combination of dance floor sounds with a very specific brand of romantic and social commentary, as in “Love Is a Bourgeois Construct.” I love the hysterical overstimulation of “Shouting in the Evening” and album closer “Vocal.”

1. The Next Day by David Bowie. In contrast with number 9 on this list, a decade was worth the wait for new material from Bowie, considering both its quality and that everyone assumed he had slid into retirement. The Next Day is his best album in ages, opening with the title track, which stomps with a defiant energy that contrasts with morbid lyrics like “Here I am/ Not quite dying/ My body left to rot in a hollow tree.” Other highlights are “The Stars (Are Out Tonight)” and album closer “Heat,” in which Bowie croons creepy lyrics like “My father ran the prison” like a man walking to the gallows.

Brian's I-Don't-Get-To-The-Movies-Much Top Movies Of 2013

In December, every writer is legally required to rank the top 10 of each art form, so that’s what I’m just going to have to do this month. I’ll start with movies. The brevity of this list is due to the fact that we rarely see current movies in the theater or on Netflix. We usually just get to them whenever. I’m sure the major Oscar movies being released this month are lovely; we’ll see them sometime before 2016. Here is my ranking of movies of 2013. Not the best movies from 2013 — all the 2013 movies I saw.

5. Escape From Tomorrow. This was an hour and a half of my life I’ll never get back. It was a black-and-white independent horror movie shot at Walt Disney World. The cast shot it with iPhones surreptitiously at Disney because obviously no company would never give anyone permission to shoot such a thing that might cast its park in a bad light. I was hoping Escape From Tomorrow might be a subversive look at Disney — especially given the irresistible cover image of a clawed, bleeding Mickey Mouse hand — but none of the movie made a bit of sense. Some dad had a weird obsession with teenage girls at the park and ended up dying of cat flu in his hotel room. It was just awful. Do not see this.

4. Iron Man 3. No. As a comic fan, I have a weird relationship with the movies. Some, like The Avengers, are entertaining enough and close enough to the spirit of the source that I can overlook the continuity errors. Iron Man 3 just irritated me by making the Mandarin, a promising villain, into a joke; a goofy character as a front for some less interesting unpowered terrorist. Yeah, deconstructing superheroes was novel 25 or 30 years ago but I’m sick unto death of it. Can’t we have more comic movies that actually celebrate the medium’s giddy heights? Can’t you stop your eye from winking ironically for two hours? Plus, I am completely sick of Robert Downey Jr. in this part (which, by the way, is way more obnoxious than how Tony Stark has been portrayed in the comics since 1962). What I would give for a scene in Avengers 2 where one of his teammates says, “Christ, will you shut up for one second?!”

3. Lovelace. This was OK. It’s a direct to Netflix biography of Linda Lovelace, star of Deep Throat. This was kind of avant garde and had a nice look to it. Chloe Sevigny was fine as Lovelace. Not much else to say about it.

2. Olympus Has Fallen. I am a sucker for this type of “destroy the White House” movie. It’s not because I want to overthrow the government or anything but I have a weakness for disaster movies and my imagination runs wild to speculate what happened with the disaster outside the scope of the movie. I thought this was just fun and entertaining and I got a little riled up when the terrorists started destroying the White House and killing people. I wanted to scream, “This is America and this doesn’t happen here! Kick these bastards out of our house!”

1. The Conjuring. This movie didn’t really scare me (at least beyond some jump scares) but it was a good, solid horror movie. I felt like the movie was checking off boxes and doing sort of a greatest hits version of horror movie tropes (demonic possession, the creepy doll, the dog that won’t go in the house because he knows it’s haunted), which could be a strength or a weakness. The cast was pretty good and the writing was fine.

Well, that was fun

Did my snark draw the wrath of Mother Nature? Were my loved ones being punished yesterday because I made one too many comments that mocked the snow?

You know I can’t miss an opportunity to laugh at the panic over the weather. I mostly just ridicule the idea that people think they’re going to be stuck indoors for weeks and starve to death when most people in this area have at least somewhere to walk to so they can get food. Yesterday actually did turn out to be a hot mess, though. I guess it’s because nobody was prepared. I was surprised to see it start snowing yesterday morning. I was at the gym and when I finally got off my machine and turned around to leave, it was a winter wonderland.

I usually don’t let weather keep me from doing what I want but yesterday I sort of did. I was on my way to my parents’ for dinner and it was fine at first driving through Delaware up 202; just a little slow. By the time I hit Route 1, I could see the brake lights ahead were not moving at all. I called my parents and told them I was turning around and going home. God knows what time I would have gotten to their house and I noticed the cars sliding around on the back roads and took it as a sign that I shouldn’t push my luck.

That was a minor inconvenience but what happened to Steve was a major inconvenience. He was stuck on I-95 and it took six hours for him to get home from Delco. For some perspective, we can make it to Ohio in eight hours. I felt bad because I knew he was crawling along the highway and I wished there was something I could have done.

At least I got to see an unforgettable Eagles game. I absolutely love watching football in the snow and the sight of snow falling so hard that it looked like static on the screen was glorious. That is the way football should be played and I wished I could have been down there. Oh, and we won.

I left a half hour early for work this morning and got to work a half hour early because I didn’t have any problems. One good thing about the snow is if you time it just right, everybody stays home and you can just zip on by.

What Happened Next Will Inspire You

In my continuing quest as a writer, I have been submitting pitches to the Inspirational website Upworthy. I just keep getting rejected and I don’t know why. Maybe you’ll be able to help me understand. Take a look at these headlines I submitted because I can’t imagine who wouldn’t want to read the attached articles.

This Woman Drove A Different Route To Work One Day. What Happened Next Will Inspire You.

We Compared Low-Fat Sour Cream With Fat-Free Sour Cream And The Results Are Damning.

A Scientist Started Studying The Effects Of Weightlessness On Tiny Screws. What He Found Will Change Your Life.

When You Find Out Why This Toddler Is Throwing A Tantrum, You Will Be Floored With Awe.

This Guy Is Getting Dressed The Same Way We All Do Every Day. But Why He Does It Will Delight And Amaze You.

College Students Are Deleting This New App From Their Phones In Droves. The Reason Why Involves All Of Us.

A Football Team Went For It On Fourth Down. The Result Is Incredibly Moving.

This Viral Video Of An 80-Year-Old Man Eating Soup Will Take Your Breath Away.

Look Closer At This Yield Sign. What You Can Barely See Will Haunt You.

A Man Returned A Pair Of Pants To A Department Store And You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next.

This Live Tweet Of A TV Show Is All You’ll Ever Need To Read.

You Won’t Believe What This Grandmother Found Inside A Box Of Cheerios.

This Woman Ordered Pasta At A Restaurant. What The Waitress Brought Her Was Beyond Her Wildest Imagination.

Bottomless Outrage

Boy, I don’t know about you but I can’t wait to go online and see the latest screen shot of a (fake) receipt with a (fake) nasty note instead of a tip so I can once again summon my BOOOOTOOOOMLESSSSS OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUTTTRRRRRAAAAAAAAAGE!!!

My God — somewhere in America, a waiter or waitress didn't get a tip! Stop the presses and prepare the six-column New York Times headline! We’ll always remember where we were when this major injustice happened!

Yes, I tip the service industry decently and think it’s a shame that some assholes will write a personal insult in the “tip” field on the receipt. (I think it’s especially ridiculous for people to cite religious reasons for why they don’t tip. What church do they belong to? The First Church of St. Cheapskate?) But one of the downsides of viral photos and videos is that now every small social slight has to be greeted with disproportionate hysteria. I’m sorry the server lost out on a little income but does that really mean the entire nation has to weigh in on what is basically a bad day at work? Do you know how many other people had a bad day at work today? All of us. I feel bad for these servers but maybe we should have a more proportionate sense of outrage that doesn’t involve nationwide attention and 43 follow-up articles on scandalous receipt du jour.

The latest National Outrage I saw was a waitress who didn’t get a receipt because she was a fan of Auburn and the customer was an Alabama fan who was upset that his team lost. Again, it’s a shame that the person didn’t get a tip but there is no reason this should be news. It boils down to “one person was rude to another” and that happens all the time to everyone and is by definition not news.

Besides, the bill was like $20 so this server only got cheated out of $4. Let me organize a beef and beer so we can replace that $4 plus an additional $12,549 for her trouble. Perspective.

Yes, I thought it was a shame that the former military waitress with the short haircut didn't get a tip because the diners disapproved of her gay lifestyle. The waitress got a ton of donation money, which she admirably donated to charity. That the receipt with the gay slur is now allegedly fake highlights something ridiculous about this whole story: It was nice that strangers raised money to support the waitress but did she really need thousands of dollars in compensation? I could see the woman getting reimbursed for the amount she lost in tips plus a little more for her trouble but that’s about it. It’s nice that she’s not pocketing the money and is instead donating it to a charity but if I want to give to charity, I’ll just cut out the middleman and donate directly.

Really, what is the going reimbursement rate for servers for a slur on a receipt? Is it per slur or hourly or what? Do the labor laws cover the compensatory wage for this? Shit, I’d put up with abuse for at least a few shifts if it would mean I could post screen shots of anti-gay receipts to every website in existence and thousands of Americans would send me checks. I’d take the money and my gay husband and I could go on a nice vacation.

Thanks, I guess

Tomorrow, Americans will gather for Thanksgiving by going around the table and saying something for which they are thankful. We always mention the major things like family, health and good fortune. Those are all wonderful things to have but it’s also really obvious to mention them and it might get a little repetitive if everyone says “my health” as they pass the mashed potatoes.

I’m here to spotlight the forgotten aspects of our lives. Let’s mention stuff that’s not so much vital or amazing but just … alright. Let’s be grateful for all the perks of life that are not that big a deal but are still, I guess, OK? Here’s a list to get you started:

Left-turn lanes

The “last” button on TV remotes

Programmable thermostats

Artpop

Corn

Ice makers in refrigerators

Belts

Online banking

The NFL’s revised overtime rules

Shade

Spell check

HDMI cables

Coldplay

CTRL A, CTRL C, CTRL V

Coinstar

Keyless entry for cars

Reverse 911

Cough drops

Bradley Cooper

Dryer sheets

Custard

Ziploc bags

4G

Collating

Anytizers

The Wells Fargo Center

Emoticons

BBQ grill covers

Advil liquid-gels

Um, thanks?

The Immense Importance of the Sexiest Man Alive Title

You think People’s Sexiest Man Alive is just a meaningless contest won not so much by a sexy man as by the most persistent PR team? Think again and this time, don’t be so naïve. The sexy contest is a titanic event in American pop culture. It portends and symbolizes so much about our country and its future. Where goes the People magazine Sexiest Man Alive, there goes our society.

That’s why it’s a major — and I mean major — controversy that the magazine selected Adam Levine for its award. Households are being torn apart by the debate over whether this person is Sexy with a capital S enough to bear the standard of pulchritude and desirability for the next year.

America searches its soul and tries to formulate an answer to so many crucial questions. Are Levine’s tattoos hot or not? Does his somewhat douchey personality disqualify him? Is he a butter face? Does his music add or subtract from his appeal? Perhaps most importantly, do Levine’s abs sufficiently resemble a washboard? The debate will rage for generations. As it should.

You know, I still don’t think you truly understand the immense importance of the Sexiest Man Alive title. It is most certainly not subjective. People uses a complex, objective algorithm to determine its cover boy. The winner will be a true reflection of the desire that burns inside so many of us and the man will set the agenda for “sexy” for at least the next year.

The debate over Levine’s status may start getting ugly. I hope this doesn’t devolve into previous epic battles over the crown title. I shudder when I remember the riots in multiple cities over whether Ryan Gosling deserved the title over Ryan Reynolds. We cannot forget the vicious debates over whether Johnny Depp really deserved the title the second time or whether Matthew McConaghey’s title came years after his peak of prettiness. We don’t want to see this year’s Sexiest Man Alive devolve into anarchy as it has so many times in the past but the honor is too important not to risk violence and strife.

Are you sure you’re taking this seriously enough?  

Whither live music? What price fashion and decorum?

I’m not sure how I feel about Arcade Fire asking its fans to dress up to go to one of its concerts. I’m not going so it’s a moot point but if I were going, would I dig out my tux, top hat and pince-nez from the closet and show up looking like a dandy, or would I amble into the stadium in Zubaz and a salsa-stained scoop tank and give a middle finger to polite society?

This issue begs several profound questions. Whither live music? What price fashion and decorum? I am going to dig deep into my own soul to find the answer. 

I’m not much of a fan of dressing up, at least not to the extent of a suit and tie. I look and feel awkward as hell in a suit jacket and just will never be comfortable. I will suck it up and dress up when someone gets married or dies because I’m an adult and that’s what you do. Mostly, I will go a little less formal. I favor more casual clothes but not too casual. So unless I am going to the gym or very ill and on my way to Walgreen’s to get some medication, you will never catch me outside the house in any type of sweatpants of pajama pants. I just don’t do it. Even when I work from home, I won’t wear business casual like I do at work, but I will wear real pants. It just never occurred to me to do otherwise.

I guess Arcade Fire should get kudos for getting people to go to their shows and not to look like they just crawled up from the bottom of the Okefenokee swamp. Can you really enforce that dress code? If you bought a ticket, doesn’t that give you the right to attend no matter what you’re wearing?

I think a dress code depends on the venue more than the act you’re seeing. If I were going to the opera house, I might wear something nicer but it just would seem odd wearing a suit and tie to the Wells Fargo Center or, God forbid, the Concrete Bunker Theater or whatever it’s called in Camden.

At concerts, I will dress according to the act and season. The last show we saw was Holy Ghost at the TLA and I think I wore jeans and a sweater. If I see Madonna at the Wells Fargo Center, I’m wearing something comfortable because I will dance all night and there’s no point in dressing up if you’re going to sweat through your clothes. If I go to the Kimmel in the winter, I might wear my nice overcoat.

To sum up: Suits. Dresses. Live music. Venues. Sweatpants. I hope you’ve found this discussion as enlightening as I have.

Rob Ford drops the mic

I’ve been loosely following the saga of crack-smoking Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and something I recently learned made me feel good about myself: The guy is only 44 years old.

I would have guessed 54 since he just seems so bloated and beaten down. To learn that Ford is only five years older than me plays on my vanity in a petty way because everytime I think I am looking older and dread turning 40, I can at least look at him and think, “I’m doing OK so far.” Wrinkles will come but at least I don’t look like I’m going to have a massive heart attack the next time I walk across the room.

Rob Ford is a scathingly hot mess and I can’t get enough of it. Yesterday, he responded to sexual harassment allegations by saying he would never tell a woman he would “eat her pussy” because he has “more than enough (pussy) at home.” The mayor of a major city used the word pussy at a live press conference. That is fan-fucking-tastic. Drop the mic. Drop it forever. That is the apotheosis of the political scandal press conference.

I’m not sure how this guy is still alive, given his lifestyle. Ford admitted to smoking crack during one of his drunken stupors, implying that he has frequent drinking stupors. There was also a story that on St. Patrick’s Day, he drank 40 ounces of vodka, smoked pot, snorted some coke and also took some Oxycontin. Knowing that and seeing what kind of physical condition he’s in, I will always look at Ford and expect him to keel over at any moment.

Carrying on like that in your 40s just isn’t a good look and hopefully he will get help. I don’t know how people can do that in middle age anyway. I’m not much younger and can’t drink like I used to. True, I don’t drink that much at all these days. I just don’t have much desire and can’t very well run out to bars all the time. Even when I was in my going-out days, I certainly never had any nights near what Ford did.

Yes, I’m getting older and remember that when I start falling asleep whenever I am close to horizontal on the couch and don’t make it through too many movies on Friday nights without dozing just a little. But I have recently been looking at myself and thinking I must either be lucky or am doing something right because I feel like a million dollars pretty much all the time (knock on wood). I sure as hell am in better shape than the mayor of Toronto.   

A Comprehensive Examination of Healthcare Reform

I dunno. Healthcare. Know what I mean? It just seems kind of … ugh. I think about it. Sometimes I can’t even.

Insurance reform. OK. We know this. And then there’s all kinds of — you know? This website happens. Technical things happening. And I’m just like. My thoughts are just kind of whatever. I just … what is all this? Really. There’s still the phone, though. There’s still the phone.

First Congress does whatever. What is this I don’t even. I just … I’m trying to wrap my head around. Well, let’s break it down. The law. First of all. It’s kind of implied. That’s what I think. I mean, I guess so. And then the Supreme Court. Decisions were made. And then more decisions. The government just sort of … blah. And I’m like, huh?

Affordable Care Act. Affordable Care! Act?

OK. When you look at the main players. I know I do. OK? It’s all there if you look at it. I mean, I infer all that. What’s happening? Can we ever know? I know sometimes things are just … ugh. I don’t know. I can’t. Just … insurance plans. Cancellations. Also: Junk coverage. Is it a tax? What are taxes? I mean, when you think about it.

The thing is, we can’t know. Right? There are doctors and there are patients. Reform is. It is. Republicans. Democrats. They just do whatever. And you just sort of think. It’s about something. Know what I mean?

Just … Obama.

One thing’s for sure: Healthcare. Then all the people can do whatever. We’ll think of something. You know. People. I mean, I guess. Right?

The Manfluencer

Thanks to the brilliant vision of food manufacturers, I can now buy yogurt without worrying that reaching for that carton in the supermarket will emasculate me. Some article I read mentions that companies are making items traditionally associated with women, like yogurt, appeal more to men. Thus we get the genius of Powerful Yogurt, a brand with very masculine red and black packaging.

I don’t eat yogurt all that often but you can sign me up for six cases of this.

There’s also some coffee place that is serving black, cold coffee, which is more appropriate for men than some hot latte. I mean, if you drink hot coffee, you might as well head straight for the maxi-pad aisle. The cold coffee (because you can’t just make cold coffee at home by brewing it and waiting) is served in a beer bottle so real masculine manly men can drink it openly. This will really expand the coffee market. I don’t know any men who drink the stuff now.

Why are these companies doing this? It’s because I’m a “manfluencer,” a man who is responsible for at least half the grocery shopping in his house. (Technically, a man is also responsible for our other half.) We men are making great strides these days, doing retail shopping and not restricting our chores to just chopping down trees for firewood.

Do you get it? Do you get what the term “manfluencer” signifies? It’s “man” combined with “influencer.” So it’s a man who influences something. Did you get that? Right now, you gasp in happy surprise at the cleverness of this invented term. You are right to gasp since this is the most amazing combination of “man” and “other noun” yet. Mankini, man hide, mandals, mancession … none of them ever get old. But I digress.

The reason it is so revolutionary to make manlier supermarket products is that they cater to people like me, who are completely enslaved by gender norms. I mean, I adhere to traditional gender norms at all costs, no matter how trivial. If a product logo has even a hint of softness or pastel, I refuse to go anywhere near it, no matter how masculine or gender-neutral the actual product. If I have a catastrophically clogged tub and the only option to unclog it is a bottle of Liquid Plumber in a light blue bottle, no sale. If the only shaving cream has a logo that, if you stare long enough, looks slightly vaginal and not sufficiently phallic, well then I’ll just have to start growing a beard.

Because I certainly wouldn’t want to face the demeaning snickers of the cashiers as I scan my pansy purchase at Acme. This is a real issue that I, and surely many other men, think about all the time. We’ve all had that feeling that the eyes of the world are upon us and our testosterone is leaking out of us because we are buying the wrong thing. I certainly don’t want strangers thinking I’m some kind of Nancy Boy.

#deadgrandma #cuteblackdress

Pro tip for people attending funerals: You might not want to take a selfie photo in the funeral parlor. Good taste is in the eye of the beholder but I for one will not “like” such a photo if you post it on Facebook.

This is something that some people are doing now. It’s mostly teens and young people, apparently. I’ve seen selfies of people posing and making the duck face in all black or with their grandmother’s corpse in the background. My how grieving rituals have changed since my day when you would lay the body down on the dining room table and everyone would gather round and do shots of whiskey until the vicar came by.

The following is my in-depth, nuanced examination of both sides of this debate.

On the pro side, people all grieve in different ways and it’s harmless to take a photo of yourself at a funeral. The deceased is dead and can’t be offended.

Counterpoint: Maybe you should put down the smart phone for one hour because you’re at a GD funeral.

I get that funerals are for the living and some people may want to have a more upbeat funeral and that might include photos. I can also see taking a group photo of people who are together and may not see one another except at a funeral or a wedding. But a funeral selfie says something else. It says, “I can’t stem the flow of my narcissism for even a little bit to acknowledge that today might possibly maybe not be all about me and how I look in my black suit or dress.” It doesn’t include the real reason you’re there: The deceased. It’s all about you.

Is it really worth offending the other mourners by taking these photos? People do grieve in their own ways but people might look at your selfie and feel that it trivializes what they’re going through. What if my way of grieving is just to laugh? To cackle uncontrollably through the wake and eulogy? Are you offended? Does that intrude upon your quiet reflection? Oh but it’s my way of grieving. Quit being such a stick in the mud, smart phones are here to stay, kids will be kids, etc.

I’m all for remembering events through photos, given the wedding photos that wallpaper our home. But I personally have no desire to remember the sad days or at least don’t need the visual record. I will look at photos of my grandparents when they were alive and didn’t need to snap a selfie with one hand while pallbearing with the other.

Call me old fashioned but there’s just something incredibly gauche about smiling for the camera and posting the photo with #deadgrandma #cuteblackdress hashtags. It just isn’t done. You can spend an afternoon at least putting up an appearance of appropriate mourning for the sake of the living if not the dead. You can and you will. 

Facts that I'm too lazy to look up

Who Kendra Wilkinson is

What “SMH” means

Michael Fassbender’s age

What kind of music “trap” is

What day of the week Christmas is

When the next Flyers game is

The name of the hidden track on Reflektor

If your tongue swells when you’re dehydrated

When The Americans returns

What side your appendix is on

How long the invasion of Grenada lasted

If the grandfather in The Goldbergs is the same guy in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Who won the 1964 World Series

What the submission guidelines for Painted Bride Quarterly are

How long Hamid Karzai has been prime minister of Afghanistan

Whether Daylight Savings Time starts or ends this weekend

I guess I could spend a few seconds on Google or Wikipedia but aaaaauuuuuuggghhhhzzzzzzz

The Scariest Scenes I’ve Seen

There are different types of scares in movies and TV. There are the obvious jump scares when the monster jumps into the frame of view and you scream and then feel like an idiot for screaming. There are scares that keep you up at night. There are scares that are in situations that are not gory or horrific but unsettling and that get under your skin and stay there.

 

My favorite horror movie is The Exorcist and I don’t think anything can beat its gaudy terror and more subtle, unsettling questions. The most horrifying scene for me is 12-year-old Regan stabbing herself with a crucifix and saying unspeakable things in a demon’s growl. There aren’t too many other movie scenes I’ve found harder to watch. Another scene from that movie that I remember being awful is the spinal tap scene, maybe because of my fear of needles. They found horror not in something supernatural but in a medical procedure.

 

Rosemary’s Baby is another horror classic but there aren’t too many individual scenes that jump out at me as horrifying. The movie is more of a slow burn of disturbing events. However, I am always appalled by how awful Mia Farrow looks as a pregnant woman. She should be glowing with good health and instead she’s gaunt and hollow-eyed.

 

As for TV, two of the most terrifying scenes I’ve ever seen were on Breaking Bad. The end of “Crawl Space” was hair-raising, with Walt lying under his dug-up floorboards and cackling, a man at the end of his rope who has completely cracked up. Meanwhile, a stunned Skyler walks slowly through the house as Marie’s panicked voice rings out on the answering machine. The whole time, a rhythmic beating echoes like the beating of the hideous heart. “Ozymandias” was a horror show from beginning to end but everything after Skyler and Flynn got home was especially scary. The most gut-wrenching had to be when Walt was backing out of the driveway with Holly while Skyler screams hysterically in the street. I don’t think I’ve ever been more concerned for the safety of a fictional character. The genius of that episode was how it started with a traumatic event and just kept building and piling on more awful things until the end when I couldn’t take it anymore.

 

I was one of the people who was scared of The Blair Witch Project. A lot of the movie was boring but the end, when they got to the house, scared the hell out of me at the time. It was just something about the way the screaming sounded far away since the sound camera was detached from the video camera. The friend standing in the corner waiting to die was nightmarish. There was also something nightmarish about the scribble drawings with the red eyes in The Mothman Prophecies. That movie freaked me out.

 

For good, old fashioned jump scares, I yelped at the end of Carrie when her hand reached out of the ground. I also saw Alien at about age 12 and was traumatized by the chest bursting alien.

 

I suppose I can count The Human Centipede as scary but it was borne more from disgust than anything. I didn’t know anything about the movie and based on the title, I thought it might be a campy romp with some guy whose DNA gets crossed with a centipede’s, like The Fly. Boy, was I wrong. Instead, I kept thinking, “I can’t believe they expect us to swallow this crap” and left needing to bleach my eyes out.

 

Add your own horrifying scenes below.

 

Apropos of Nothing

Agents of SHIELD is a missed opportunity because it hardly showcases any Marvel Universe characters. SHIELD has a rich, 50-year history and the show doesn’t take advantage so what’s the point? All they would have to do is take a few characters who haven’t shown up yet in Marvel movies and introduce them as SHIELD agents. Have people walk into the Helicarrier, introduce themselves as Agent Carol Danvers and Agent Luke Cage and watch every comic fan applaud. Meanwhile, the non-comic fans could also get a taste of these longtime characters. Instead, the cast consists of Some Woman, Some Guy, Some Other Woman, Fric and Frac from the United Kingdom and Agent Smirk. I have zero interest in any of these people. Plus, I am choking on the snarky Whedon dialogue because a little goes a long way. There is a universe of untapped Marvel lore and they just choose not to tap it. 

I thought we agreed as a society that we would not hum in public. I was in Walgreens waiting in line when a woman behind me was humming along to “Stuck With You” by Huey Lewis and the News, which was playing in the store. She didn’t just hum sporadic phrases; she was on every note of the music and it didn’t help that she was right behind me. I was so annoyed and the line was not moving anyway so I had to leave the store and go somewhere else. The lesson is that you might have a song in your heart but you need to keep it inside you.

I think they should alter the pitch of the dial tone just slightly. Everyone would wonder if they’re having a stroke. That would be fun!

The Comcast guide is still listing Wheel of Fortune as “Merv Griffin’s version of the classic game of hangman.” If you really have no idea what this 30-year-old show is, how is mentioning long-dead Merv Griffin going to help? It’s a game show. Vanna White turns letters. You’ll get the gist within five seconds of turning it on. Are there really people who find Wheel of Fortune too obscure but would recognize Merv Griffin as a cultural touchstone?

“Suicide” is a noun and not a verb. Don’t say, “She suicided.” Say, “She committed suicide.” That was today’s morose vocabulary lesson.

I saw a horrific turkey on the Food Network. It was all wrinkly, as if it had been brined after cooking. The chefs then dumped some kind of pecans or something all over the skin. I was watching it from a distance at the gym and couldn’t see the closed captioning so it looked like they were pouring some kind of bugs all over the turkey. Either way, do not add pecans or any nuts to your turkey this Thanksgiving. If someone served me that, I would turn around and leave.

Sports Calculus

I loosely follow playoffs after Philadelphia teams are out of the race but then it becomes a calculus to figure out whom to root against. There are many factors that go into this decision: Teams that are rivals of Philly teams, teams that knocked my teams out of the playoffs in the past and teams I just don’t like or are sick of hearing about. So I’m going to make a formula and figure out who I should root for and who I should hate in the baseball postseason. I realize this will be outdated since teams have been eliminated but hindsight can be just as fun.

 

Atlanta Braves. They are the worst and I take pleasure in seeing them flame out in the postseason. I was proud that the Phillies had a part in their demise in 2011 by sweeping a series that meant nothing to them but was the stake through the Braves’ heart. Remember last year when the Braves lost the play-in wild card and there was some controversial call and fans threw their trash onto the field? That was great! I will always actively root against this team. I dread when the Phillies play them in Atlanta because of that embarrassing tomahawk chop. A cheer should be rousing but the Braves’ cheer sounds like the keening of a widow at a graveyard.

 

Cleveland Indians and Pittsburgh Pirates. I wanted a World Series between these two. I have no problem with these teams. Christ, just give it to one of them already. Their fan bases have earned it.

 

Los Angeles Dodgers. I have a little residual annoyance for this team because they were a rival for the Phillies in ’08 and ’09 but they were not much trouble to dispatch so I’m over it. I remember being really annoyed by the fawning over Manny Ramirez and the deeply embarrassing “Mannywood” outfield corner the Dodgers painted for him. I’m not swayed by the argument against teams with high payrolls. Some people sniff at this and say, “They’re trying to buy a championship.” No, they’re trying to spend enough to attract quality players to win one. Baseball is still a business no matter how much we pretend it’s an endless matinee of Field of Dreams.

 

Boston Red Sox. Meh. I’ve stopped caring. However, I will say that if the Red Sox end up losing, we’ll be subjected to another Bill Simmons column that tries to scientifically prove that Bostonians feel sports-related pain more acutely than anybody else. Yes, nobody else can understand the pain of losing like you. You are all special. Please continue to marinate in your disappointment and go on and on and on about it. They can also dial back that “Red Sox Nation” nonsense. It’s a region. Every team has a diaspora of fans and you are not the exception.

 

Detroit Tigers. I’m fine with them. I wouldn’t mind seeing the Tigers win the World Series.

 

St. Louis Cardinals. Can’t stand them. Oh, but how can I hate a team that plays in America’s Heartland, where folks (people are always “folks” in the Midwest) skip through fields of grain as pies cool softly on the windowsill? They have the Best Fans in Baseball! And they play in Baseball Heaven! And la-dee-da-dee-da! The aura of smugness and humblebragging surrounding the Cardinals media and fans is thick enough to choke me. Drew Magary said it best: http://deadspin.com/why-your-cardinals-suck-1443513646 . I’m also not a fan of teams that parlay a mediocre season into a wild card slot and win the World Series, which St. Louis has done twice now. They’re “meh” for 162 games and then get on an 11-game hot streak and there’s a reward and it doesn’t seem fair. Just. GO. AWAY.

 

So based on my calculus, who do I want to win? Nobody, because I am bitter and don’t like any team but mine.

 

 

Goodbye, Comcast

We are disgusted with Comcast and thinking of switching to Fios. Just about every night around 9 p.m., we lose Internet access. This is a problem since streaming is our main medium of entertainment. A lot of shows come on after our early bedtime so we like to catch up the next night and we also stream movies and previous seasons of TV shows. I got sick of wasting three nights trying to watch the same episode of Mad Men only to have the screen freeze six times during the credits. The last straw was last weekend when we couldn’t even watch a preview of a movie. It’s also annoying since we are moving away from DVDs due to space considerations and would rather stream everything but with the lack of Internet, we have no guarantees.

 

Yes, first world problems, people in Iraq don’t even have electricity all night, etc. But when you’re paying a premium for Internet and cable and phone, the system really needs to work, or what good is it? It’s especially true as I work from home once a week and really hope I can get online during the day because I enjoy the perk.

 

We have had technicians come out four times in the last few months but they just have not been able to solve this problem. One of our neighbors is having the same issue and getting a runaround. So we’re pretty much done. If you’re not going to earn our business and fix this problem, goodbye.

 

Comcast seems like a terrible company anyway. Even the network it owns has been awful lately. NBC was, for at least 25 years, wall-to-wall quality programming. Thursday nights was like going to church – a really entertaining church that nobody ever missed with four great sitcoms in a row. Even the Saturday night schedule was killer in the ‘80s and when was the last time anyone wanted to stay home on a Saturday and watch TV?

 

Now there’s exactly one show, Parks and Recreation, that I will watch on NBC. I was reading a book about how Jeff Zucker pretty much destroyed the network by airing insipid crap instead of the highly polished shows it used to have in abundant supply. The last straw for me was when NBC aired the execrable Whitney on Thursday night. That was like a sacred timeslot for gold standard shows like Cheers and now you’re just letting any half-baked crap air there? No thanks. It amuses me to see that Zucker went to CNN and is still peddling nonsense non-stories, given that it aired blanket coverage of that cruise ship with overflowing toilets, as if it were some matter or national importance.

 

But anyway. Comcast is the worst.

That's enough

OK, that’s just about enough. The federal government has been shut down for over a week over what is basically a dick-measuring contest (which is what everything else in Congress comes down to).

The legislative branch passed the Affordable Care Act and the judicial branch upheld it. It is the law. It has its glitches and its drawbacks but it is the law. There are no more hurdles for it to overcome. It is time for the hissyfit to end and for the Republicans in particular to realize that they lost both the 2012 election and the battle over healthcare.

What kills me is there are probably people in Congress who think the way to protect the middle class from the overwhelming horrors of national healthcare is to put some of those middle class people out of work temporarily. Meanwhile, the legislative branch earns a salary while doing literally nothing to avert this shutdown, while Capitol police officers protect them without pay.

Incidentally, I wish the media would focus less on the fact that our national parks and monuments are closed and emphasize that the people who work in those parks are out of a job. It’s inconvenient that you can’t go to Valley Forge or Independence Hall but the people who work there may not be able to pay their mortgages on time. That’s the real problem here.

All of those ass clowns in Congress can go. All of them. I don’t want to vote for an incumbent again anytime soon. I wish I could register in every state so I could vote all of them out.

Except Sen. Elizabeth Warren. She can stay. She can run for president if she wants to. I read a speech of hers denouncing the “anarchists” in Congress and morons who think taxes = socialism and I just … I just … I can’t even explain what I felt. It was like a ray of light came down from heaven and I had an orgasm.

Boycott PA

This is, what, the second or third time Gov. Corbett has had to apologize for comparing gay marriage to something offensive? The hilariously depressing thing is that in this latest instance, he’s corrected his original assertion, that gay marriage is comparable to 12-year-olds who want to wed, by saying the more appropriate analogy would be a brother and sister who want to marry. What’s next — clearing things up by saying gay marriage is like setting puppies on fire?

Corbett’s comments just crystalize for me that fact that we are not going to be moving back to Pennsylvania. We moved to Delaware because it was more affordable but had half-anticipated moving back to our home state once we could, given that’s where a lot of family and friends are. But with the Keystone State’s continued fight against gay marriage, I think I’ll be keeping in touch with people from the First State. Steve and I did not exchange vows last April just to move back to Pennsylvania and have the commonwealth regard us as roommates.

I don’t feel welcome as a gay person in Pennsylvania, at least not by the government. In contrast, I do feel welcome in Delaware. My adopted state passed gay marriage with breathtaking speed and no drama. The legislature passed it the day we got home from our honeymoon, the governor signed it immediately and less than two months later, gay people were wedding at the courthouse. Philadelphia may hold the edge on Wilmington as far as the gay scene but at this point in my life, I need more than just a few bars and clubs with rainbow flags. I need the pride of commitment to my husband and legal protection for our union.

Of course, we do certainly feel welcome by our friends and family in Pennsylvania so it’s not like we’re going to stop speaking to anyone or dramatically refuse to set foot on PA soil. What I will be doing is not spending a dime more of my money than I have to in Pennsylvania. I’m not even going to give that government whatever pittance of a sales tax I would be spending there. I’m not going to refuse to attend a social function in PA, but if I have a choice, I’m not eating or drinking there. I’m not getting gas there. I’m not doing any Christmas shopping on my lunch break near work. After years, I stopped buying Yuengling in favor of Delaware’s Dogfish Head. I also stopped buying the Philadelphia Inquirer on Sunday and switched to the Delaware News Journal. (This had less to do with gay marriage than with the fact that the Inquirer treats the tri-state area like a bi-state area and completely ignores Delaware so I get no local news. We’re a small state but it’s not like it’s all an empty wasteland. If they circulate to our area, they could at least cover us a little.)

What I will be doing instead is spending more to prop up the economy of my adopted state — the state that has made me feel welcome as a gay person. The Diamond State is home now and I’ll just have to visit people in my old state. I really wonder if Pennsylvania will have a “brain drain” of gay couples who will leave to marry elsewhere. Even if PA passes gay marriage, it will be too little, too late for me. It is the only state in the Northeast that offers no recognition for gay couples. So I’m out (pardon the pun).

I know that not buying gas in Pennsylvania will have no effect but it’s just a small symbol, something that I feel the need to do.