The Immense Importance of the Sexiest Man Alive Title

You think People’s Sexiest Man Alive is just a meaningless contest won not so much by a sexy man as by the most persistent PR team? Think again and this time, don’t be so naïve. The sexy contest is a titanic event in American pop culture. It portends and symbolizes so much about our country and its future. Where goes the People magazine Sexiest Man Alive, there goes our society.

That’s why it’s a major — and I mean major — controversy that the magazine selected Adam Levine for its award. Households are being torn apart by the debate over whether this person is Sexy with a capital S enough to bear the standard of pulchritude and desirability for the next year.

America searches its soul and tries to formulate an answer to so many crucial questions. Are Levine’s tattoos hot or not? Does his somewhat douchey personality disqualify him? Is he a butter face? Does his music add or subtract from his appeal? Perhaps most importantly, do Levine’s abs sufficiently resemble a washboard? The debate will rage for generations. As it should.

You know, I still don’t think you truly understand the immense importance of the Sexiest Man Alive title. It is most certainly not subjective. People uses a complex, objective algorithm to determine its cover boy. The winner will be a true reflection of the desire that burns inside so many of us and the man will set the agenda for “sexy” for at least the next year.

The debate over Levine’s status may start getting ugly. I hope this doesn’t devolve into previous epic battles over the crown title. I shudder when I remember the riots in multiple cities over whether Ryan Gosling deserved the title over Ryan Reynolds. We cannot forget the vicious debates over whether Johnny Depp really deserved the title the second time or whether Matthew McConaghey’s title came years after his peak of prettiness. We don’t want to see this year’s Sexiest Man Alive devolve into anarchy as it has so many times in the past but the honor is too important not to risk violence and strife.

Are you sure you’re taking this seriously enough?