Get Out of My Way

Have you ever, in the midst of a bad day, had an encounter with a stranger that was the straw that broke the camel’s back and made you want to scream?

That happened a few days ago. I had been having a bad day at work and stayed an hour late so I could get a few things from the art department in preparation for working at home the next day. I never got what I needed, so it turned out I could have left on time and not sat there staring at my computer. I was barely out of the parking lot when I realized I would have to go into the office the next day anyway.

Then when I was almost home, there was a terrific accident on Route 141 in front of me. It blocked the whole highway and nothing was moving anytime soon so I made a U-turn across the grassy medial strip and went another way. What annoyed me is that if I hadn’t stayed late, I would have avoided the accident. Even staying late, I also would have avoided the accident if I’d gone my normal route straight home. Instead, I had to stop at the supermarket for breadcrumbs that I needed for dinner.

Are you crying yet at my tale of inconvenience? Try to steel yourself for the worst is yet to come.

I went to Pathmark instead of Acme because it was more on my way home. I usually avoid that store because it seems to move at a slower pace than the rest of the world and I am merciless when it comes to efficiency in the checkout line. At self-checkout, a woman scanned her last item and must have realized she could get a buy one/get one carton of orange juice. She checked with the cashier and sauntered off — no rush — to get her OJ while I was standing there behind her.

It was the look on the woman’s face that set me off. She just seemed sort of oblivious and anesthetized, with a sleepy smirk of contentment. “OH COME ON,” I said to her in all caps as she drifted away, no urgency whatsoever.

This sort of thing irritates the piss out of me. She could have at least apologized for delaying me and it would have been fine. Had it been me, I would have apologized and sprinted to get my items. I have done that before and only when nobody else was behind me and after telling the cashier I would be right back (if there’s a line behind me, I figure I’m out of luck and don’t get the item). I try not to get in anyone’s way in these situations.

I realized I am overthinking this and this all sounds insane but that woman was a symbol of one of the things I hate: People who move slowly when they are physically capable of going faster. If you want to move slowly in some blissed-out manner, that’s your prerogative. But do not hold up other people. (This obviously does not apply to people who are not able-bodied enough to hustle.) That’s what kills me: The sheer obliviousness, the total inconsideration, of people who are unaware that society has lined up behind them and waiting on them to move at an acceptable human pace. On the road, the equivalent is people who don’t move as far as they can to the left when making a left turn, so nobody can get by and traffic backs up. And they sit there, completely clueless and under the mistaken impression that they are skilled drivers. Get out of my way. Just make some sort of effort. Just a little hustle. Are you sentient? Are you alive?! Do you have any idea what’s going on?!?

The torture did not end there, my friends. I got out of line behind Pokey and got in another line. Of course — of course — the guy in front of me had a problem with his card so I was delayed with my one item. Then his phone rang, which slowed things down further, but of course you always have to answer your phone because you’d hate to inconvenience someone, right? “FOR FUCK’S SAKE,” I said in all caps to nobody in particular.

I found a free self-checkout and had rung up my purchase in 0.038 seconds, because I am halfway competent. Meanwhile, the guy on the phone was still figuring out how to pay for his purchases. As I left, Pokey was just then drifting listlessly back to the self-checkout, no doubt exhausted from her epic marathon all the way to the other side of the store. She is probably still loading the groceries into her car as I write this.

So that was my evening. I guess I’m so in wedding planning mode that I’m all about getting shit done and have less tolerance than normal for delays. Anyway, I was over it like 30 seconds after I got home. They were the best breadcrumbs I ever had.