You Bring Me No Comfort

I recently realized that I’m not comforted by a lot of the comfort foods that most people seem to enjoy. I am left physically and emotionally bereft by these foodstuffs.

The classic meal on a cold day seems to be tomato soup and grilled cheese. No thanks. I don’t like tomatoes unless they’re in sauce so I wouldn’t eat the soup. Grilled cheese is one of those foods that I would eat if someone were serving it but I don’t like that much. I don’t think I’ve ever actually made a grilled cheese for myself.

I’ve also never made macaroni and cheese for myself. Again, if it’s on the menu, I’ll eat it but I don’t crave it like people seem to. I barely even know where to buy mac and cheese in the supermarket. And I guess it comes with … packets of cheese and you spray that on the macaroni? I’m an idiot about that. The idea of cutting up a hot dog and putting it in the mac and cheese is completely alien to me. Rather than bringing comfort, that would actually distress me. I also agree with the person who recently said artisan mac and cheese should not exist. I hate when people try to gussy up simple foods with fancy ingredients. The beauty of food like pizza and sandwiches is that they’re simple and fun and a pinch of saffron adds nothing.

Chili? No thanks. Can’t stand it. Don’t like the beans and cannot deal with green peppers. It’s disgusting. Just absolutely repellent to me.

The Super Bowl commercials reminded me how much I hate Doritos. I don’t know why. Even the sight of the bag on TV is nasty looking to me. I’ve eaten Doritos like six times in my life and I know that makes me weird.

I eat my share of crap but I don’t tie it that much to comfort situations. When it snows, I don’t go into comfort food mode and eat a bunch of snacks. I just pretty much carry on like normal. I don’t even indulge that much at the Super Bowl. I watch it at my parents’ house and we just have a regular dinner. Last week it was a casserole, not some insane quantity of crap. As an appetizer, we had cheese and crackers so that was the one indulgence. I didn’t drink. Even when the Eagles played the Super Bowl, we didn’t even eat anything until after the game because we were nervous and caught up in the action. I was sober.

It’s not like I’m some ascetic for whom sunflower seeds are an indulgence. I guess I do have my own comfort foods. Chocolate is an obvious one, as is ice cream of any flavor. I guess chicken is a sort of comfort food to me, as I do enjoy thighs and wings, boiled being the best kind. I also like eggs.

But of those comfort foods, I don’t eat them when it’s cold or I’m feeling low. They’re just foods I crave. I eat because I’m hungry and fat.