Doorbusters 2019

Well, look at you, lined up outside a big box retailer at 5 a.m. on Black Friday, waiting for that deal on a TV. And look at you, thinking you’re even smarter, in line at a store that opens before last call even happens. And then there’s all of you, thinking you’re the most smartest of all, getting your doorbuster deals on Thanksgiving before the turkey is even carved.

Black Friday sales starting on Thanksgiving: How quaint.

I’ll be at the secret department store that started offering Black Friday sales last July. In fact, this store is so ahead of the curve in offering deals that I’ve already done my shopping for Christmas 2019.

How does this work? This secret store is able to bend the rules of the space-time continuum to offer me deals on presents and technologies that won’t even exist until the holiday shopping season of 2019. I am not legally permitted to reveal the name or location of this store. It may not even have a “location” in any sense that we understand. Don’t ask me how any of this is possible. I’m not a scientist.

I’ve taken advantage of this time travel to buy a 75-inch Android Tactile TV with nanobot tesseract technology. Not sure what all that is? That’s because it doesn’t exist yet. Luckily, I’ve already purchased mine while the rest of you rubes will be fighting with each other on regular Black Friday 2019 to get yours. In five years, we’ll be watching the news reports of the shopping chaos from our blindingly clear, fridge-sized TV, with the coverage interrupted by a special statement from President Cain about the scandal with Secretary Kardashian-Cumberbatch.

I’ve also picked up a MechaTech AquaBot 217 for little Timmy. He hasn’t even been born yet, but he will be, and on Christmas morning 2019, his parents will be helping put five RR ethanol batteries into the hottest toy of the decade. Good luck waiting in line outside the Wal-Mart in five years, trying to kill time in the blizzard while playing Whack-a-Pundit on your aPhones.

Then there’s all the deals on clothing. My loved ones will be clothed in fashion trends that are not even a glimmer in Vogue’s eye: Ear veils, the BoxerThong, lenticular blouses, time-release acetaminophen hats and shoes from the Fault in Our Stars II: Stage IV Teen Romance collection.

And the best part of doing my shopping five years ahead of time? I pay for it with money that doesn’t even exist yet (a new twist on an old American tradition). Don’t ask me how it works. I’m not an economist.

So good luck with the “early” doorbusters, suckers. With my shopping done five years ahead of time, I think I’ve earned the right to a little smugness.