The Americans S3 E5: Salang Pass

It’s Friday night and you’re hanging out at the bonfire while A Flock of Seagulls plays, trying to work your newest asset, the daughter of a CIA agent. Two of her friends approach you and ask if everything is OK. Wait a minute … are those high school letter varsity jackets?

OH MY GOD — YOU’RE FIFTEEN?!?!

Not that it wasn’t already creepy (and Philip knows it) for a middle aged man to even pseudo-seduce a young girl but it just makes it worse that she’s not even old enough to drive. With this kind of thing, every year you subtract from someone’s age makes it geometrically worse. The tables have turned on Philip. Where he would have gone ballistic if an older man tried to seduce Paige (and he did go ballistic in season one), now he’s the one being confronted by high school kids and having to run out the house before the CIA agent catches him, like a guilty teen.

Kimmy uses that timeworn line, “Age is just a number,” which people really only say when they’re trying to justify sleeping with someone much older or younger than they. Philip carries the stoned and sleeping girl to bed almost as he would his daughter, until she pulls him in for a kiss and we all throw up in our mouths. Kimmy is very lonely, with an absent, uncaring stepmother and a father who might have a secret family for all she knows.

The Americans is clearly drawing a parallel between Kimmy and Paige and Philip sees it. Note that the dress he bought for her baptism is white and lacy, the most innocent one he could find in a quest to keep her innocent. This interaction with Kimmy will definitely inform how he deals with recruiting Paige but I can see it going either way. Philip could strengthen his resolve that he doesn’t want his daughter to have anything to do with the KGB but he could also decide to recruit her since at least more of his secrets will be out in the open and she won’t have to wonder where he goes at night.

The May/December motif had a subtle parallel when Henry asked Stan about Mrs. Beeman, whose scantily clad picture he keeps. Meanwhile, Stan is working Oleg about the possibility that Zinaida is a double agent. Oleg subtly probed the Rezidentura woman about it but if the defector is under deep cover, would they even know about it?

Ice-cold Elizabeth kills a man by crushing him beneath the car he’s working on. It took me a little bit to figure out who that was. I think it was just a guy who worked for Northrup and she killed him so a position could open up for Lisa at the closer office (her commute was 50 miles — no wonder she drinks). Well, I guess that’s one way to create a job opening. Some of the murders on this show are so horrific that they almost circle around back to comedy. I worry to see how Elizabeth will destroy Lisa because taking advantage of a recovering alcoholic seems especially nasty. I like how The Americans continues to give shading to secondary characters like Lisa and Kimmy so we care about what happens to them. They’re not just extras.

With Philip juggling a fake marriage, a real marriage and a teen admirer, Elizabeth is feeling a little … I don’t want to call it jealousy because it would imply that she’s overreacting and she’s not. With everything swirling around her, is it any wonder why she wants to assure herself that some parts of her life are still real? Things are so fragile in their relationship. The Jennings parents had a nice scene early on when the let down their guard and reminisced about their kids but then it all seemed to turn cold again.

The flashback to the training Philip received to have fake sex looked like something out of a horror movie. When Philip confessed to sometimes having to “make it real” with Elizabeth, that was one of the most quietly devastating revelations to happen on this show.

On a lighter note, I was happy to hear “I Ran (So Far Away),” a song I love without a trace of irony. Between that and Yaz, I kind of want to hang out platonically with Kimmy. Now that the show is moving into 1982-83, it’s also moving into new wave and my favorite era of music.

I had the most rescheduled dream

I dreamed my doctor had rescheduled my appointment without my knowledge. Originally, I was supposed to have an appointment at 4:30 on a Monday. Then they moved it to Thursday. Fine.

At 4:08 p.m. on Monday, the doctor’s office called me at work and said I really needed to keep my 4:30 appointment. That was impossible since the office was an hour away. I prepared to read the receptionist the riot act, slamming my office door so hard that it went past the frame like a swinging door.

I was incensed that they switched my appointment and switched it back without my knowledge. I was screaming that I would just have to find a new doctor after decades of going to the same person. During my rant, my coworkers kept coming in with Chinese food since there was some kind of party. I went into the stairwell to make my call, hoping the sound of some giant machinery would mask my yelling.

This dream is not hard to analyze. We are renovating our bathroom and they were supposed to start work last Monday. I waited around to let them in but nobody came. I called around and one of the contractors told me they couldn’t do it that day and they were surprised nobody told me. So I ended up sitting there like an idiot and was late for work and had to park in East Jabip.

I emailed the guy (not screaming like I did in the dream) and said while I understand construction plans can change, it was ridiculous that nobody told me. He apologized and they rescheduled the work first for that Thursday and then for the next Monday.

I just want this project to start. We already moved toiletries and stuff out of the bathroom so the rescheduling was a bit inconvenient. We also have had a tub and vanity sitting in our dining room for two weeks and would like those things to go in the actual new bathroom where they belong.

Which Marvel superheroes have been around the block?

The Marvel Universe is full of superheroes doing amazing things and fighting crime. It’s also full of a lot of soap opera drama. Many of these characters have had more melodramatic relationship twists than the Ewings.

The X-Men have always been the most soap opera team in terms of relationships, and Cyclops has probably been around the block the most. He had a lengthy courtship with Jean Grey that survived her death and later led to their marriage. While Jean was out of the picture, Scott married Madelyne Pryor, who turned out to be Jean’s clone. He was notorious for dropping Maddie and their son like hot potatoes once Jean returned. Scott and Jean grew apart and he became involved with Emma Frost, a relationship Jean pushed for beyond the grave, knowing that if Scott and Emma were apart, it would lead to one of those trademarked X-Men dystopian futures.

Professor X also gets around. He had a relationship with scientist Moira MacTaggert that ended after he went to war. Charles also had an affair with Gabrielle Haller that produced their son David Haller, otherwise known as the mentally unstable mutant Legion. Charles had no idea of David’s existence for many years. Later Xavier married his longtime love Lilandra, empress of the Shi’ar Empire.

Storm was married to T’Challa, Black Panther and king of Wakanda, but they divorced. She had a longtime relationship with Forge, the mutant who accidentally shot her and temporarily removed her powers (how romantic). Forge proposed to her but later rescinded his offer, interpreting Storm’s reserve (due to needing control over her powers) as reluctance to marry, although she was going to say yes. Ororo had a weird flirtation with Nightcrawler for awhile and they recently retconned it that she and Wolverine had been sex buddies for years.

Wolverine was involved with Mariko Yashida for a long time but she left him at the altar while under the influence of Mastermind. He later married the terrorist Viper out of convenience. Wolverine is so old that I’m sure he has had many lovers whose names remain unrevealed.

Colossus had an icky (unconsummated) relationship with Kitty Pryde when he was about 18 and she was 14 or 15. This ended after he cheated on her with the alien Zsaji while the X-Men were on the Secret Wars planet. Peter was too naïve to realize Zsaji was basically a prostitute so any feeling she had was not real, so he threw away his relationship with Kitty for nothing. Kitty and Peter later got back together and the sex was so good, she phased through the bedroom floor into the living room.

Havok and Polaris were perpetually engaged for many, many years until he cheated on her with some terrible throwaway character. Rogue and Gambit had a long flirtation but couldn’t consummate it since she would have absorbed his powers and memory by touching them. Rogue also flirted with Magneto and was retconned to have slept with the Sentry. Angel, Beast and Iceman had various relationships with civilians.

Daredevil is basically the Marvel Universe’s town bike (everybody gets a ride). He dated Elektra in college, dated former secretary Karen Page for years, married a woman named Milla, and almost married a woman named Heather Glenn until the Black Widow broke up their engagement on account of Matt only proposing to blackmail Heather. His legal partner Foggy later dated Matt’s ex-girlfriend Glorianna. Many people have pointed out that most of the women Daredevil was with ended up dead.

Dorky old Peter Parker has been one of the biggest players in the Marvel Universe. Spider-Man’s relationship with Gwen Stacy ended with her death at the hands of the Green Goblin. There were a string of attractive civilian women after that plus the reformed villain the Black Cat. Peter then married Mary Jane Watson, an actual supermodel. In one story, a character commented that despite Peter’s reputation as a science nerd, he got around pretty well.

Crystal from the Inhuman family also could git it. She was married to Quicksilver for years. She also had affairs with the Human Torch and the Black Knight, so she’s been with a few high-profile heroes.

Over at Avengers Mansion, the Scarlet Witch was married to the Vision, an artificial man whose brain patterns were based on the then-deceased Wonder Man. After the Vision’s personality got erased, she eventually ended up dating Wonder Man (basically the Vision’s brother) before parting amicably. The Vision had a few dates with Ms. Marvel.

The Wasp and Hank Pym were the other Avengers couple, who married while he was mentally unstable and divorced after he slapped her. After a few years they reconciled and were on and off. Hank was involved with Firebird and later Tigra. Jan had a flirtation with the Black Knight and the hero Paladin. She also slept with Hawkeye and had a pregnancy scare (the less said about that asinine story, the better).

Hawkeye got around for awhile. He dated the Black Widow before marrying and divorcing Mockingbird. He also had a thing for the Scarlet Witch that was mostly one-sided, although they did have sex while she was amnesiac (eww).

Captain America, Thor and Iron Man never got that much action. Cap had dated Sharon Carter, civilian Bernadette Rosenthal and reformed supervillain Diamondback but that’s been pretty much it. Thor has been with Asgardian goddess Sif and Jane Foster, the former nurse to his alter ego Dr. Don Blake. I think he also had a thing for Amora the Enchantress (also dating her sister Lorelei while she deceived him), but not much else. I assume since he’s 2,000 years old, Thor has had many more conquests than we’ve heard about. Iron Man hasn’t gotten too much action, except for an ancient relationship with villain Madame Masque. I once saw a flow chart of relationships of Marvel heroes and Tony Stark was the only one who didn’t have any lines between him and other characters.

At the Baxter Building, things have been mostly stable for awhile. The Thing’s only relationship was with Alicia Masters, the blind sculptress. After Ben was off planet, Alicia dated and later married the Human Torch, but they later revealed her to be a Skrull.

The most stable relationship of all has been the marriage between Reed and Sue Richards, which has been intact since the late ‘60s. These two have bickered and become estranged but they’ve always returned to each other. 

The Americans S3 E4: Dimebag

I’ve always thought Philip and Elizabeth’s disdain for the indoctrination aspect of religion to be hilariously hypocritical, coming from two people who are indoctrinated up to their eyeballs. There are certainly valid criticisms of religion but these would perhaps be more convincing coming from two people whose night jobs do not consist of cold-blooded murder.

At times, I can almost picture a laugh track in these scenes, like when Elizabeth had a “WTF” expression on her face in church while the priest explains the concept of “love thy neighbor” or when Philip scowled at the news of Paige’s baptism like an overprotective sitcom father meeting his daughter’s date for the first time. Other times this plays out darkly, like when Philip was clearly ready to kill that priest.

Look at all the awful things that have happened so far in The Americans. Elizabeth has been shot and had an emergency tooth extraction with no anesthesia. Philip was almost electrocuted. Just two episodes ago, they stuffed the body of a woman they recruited into luggage. They know their daughter could end up bent in a suitcase and the fact that they are even considering letting her anywhere near that lifestyle means they should really take a hard look at how indoctrinated they are into their own philosophy. Getting baptized seems pretty benign in comparison. I love these characters, and it’s a testament to the quality of the show that I am kind of rooting for them, but the Jennings parents are not role models.

I’m just down on Elizabeth and Philip this week because their new recruits are happening in especially sleazy fashion. Philip is getting into something icky with that underage Yaz fan. Even if he doesn’t want to have sex with her, she is telegraphing her desire with that serenade of “Only You” and the fact that he met her outside in that trashy disguise is telegraphing “pedo.” Elizabeth is taking advantage of that vulnerable alcoholic couple. She will probably get the woman drunk and steal her government secrets and I will be disgusted. Both scenes made me uncomfortable.

In prison, Nina is grooming a recruit of her own. Nina must win the title for most doomed character on this show. She got in trouble with the FBI and made a deal to get out of that. Then she got in trouble with the KGB and made a counter-deal. If she gets in trouble in the USSR, it will be considerably harder to escape.

I liked the use of “Don’t Go” in Stan’s scene in the diner bathroom. His frustration was as much with Sandra as with the shady defector, so the scene deftly ended with the lyrics “I’m dead when you walk out the door/ Hey, babe, I’m hooked on you.” I wonder if Sandra didn’t leave the door open just slightly for Stan to come back. During their last few encounters, she definitively shut him down. When Stan finally admitted the affair, she left without a word. Is she softening due to Stan’s breakthrough or is there just nothing more for Sandra to say? I hope they resolve this soon.

Those EST scenes are a laugh riot. Why work out your issues is private with a therapist when you can scream in a hotel ballroom? It’s the equivalent of a Moonie mass wedding. Stan was clearly screaming, “This is bullshit!” to the therapist, not Sandra.

For the first time, when Paige was standing at the kitchen island, I was really struck by the resemblance to her mother. The fact that she set up her parents at the dinner ties her to them. But there is an important difference: Elizabeth does what her authority figures tell her to do, while Paige rebels. Wouldn’t you? Last season, Philip screamed, “You respect Jesus but you don’t respect us?!” at his daughter. I almost pissed myself just watching this scene; can you imagine how scared a teen girl would be in reality? No wonder she took up with kindly Pastor Tim (or whatever his name is).

The irony of this religion-communism conflict is that Christian philosophy agrees with some of the non-violent ideas of the Jenningses, like the disdain for material things. If they ever realize this, they could use religion as a gateway to replace Jesus with Lenin in Paige’s mind. Or maybe she will be smarter than they think and she will convert her parents.  

So who's Daredevil?

Netflix will be adding a Daredevil show sometime soon. He’s a character who hasn’t been seen much since Ben Affleck played him in that movie years ago. Daredevil is an old favorite of mine so I am excited about the show.

Daredevil dates back to 1964. He’s Matt Murdock, who grew up in the Hell’s Kitchen section of New York City with a boxer father and later became a lawyer. As a kid, Matt pushed a blind person out of the way of a truck and the truck spilled radioactive material onto him (in the early days of the Marvel Universe, standards for radioactive safety were apparently very low as several heroes or villains got exposed to radioactive materials every week). The radiation blinded him but gave him radar sense so he could “see” around him.

The radiation also enhanced Matt’s remaining senses. He can tell you’re lying by listening to your heartbeat. He can read a handwritten note by feeling the ink impressions. He can taste or smell the slightest imperfection in something. Et cetera. After his father was killed for refusing to throw a fight, Matt donned a red costume (originally yellow) and fought crime as the acrobatic Daredevil.

Daredevil has always been one of Marvel’s street level heroes, like Spider-Man. He won’t fight Galactus but he will take down the corruption and underworld of his city. He was also one of the only independent heroes and is still notable for being one of the few who does not have an Avengers membership. The Avengers have always been noted for being a huge group of rotating characters but I think it’s diluted the brand lately as they’ve let just about anyone have a membership card. I still insist that despite their popularity, Spider-Man and Wolverine never ever belonged on the team.

The Daredevil comic has had some great writers over the decades: Brian Michael Bendis, Ann Nocenti, Kevin Smith, Denny O’Neil and Mark Waid, among others. The most famous of all was Frank Miller, who got his start in comics on the title and turned it into film noir. A lot of what we know today in comics as “grim and gritty” got its start in his cinematic issues.

Miller and artist Klaus Janson introduced Elektra and depicted her life and (temporary) death circa 1980-81. You might remember her as Jennifer Garner in the movies. In the comics, she was the daughter of a murdered Greek diplomat who dated Matt in college. They lost touch and she later received training as a ninja. Elektra’s work for the Kingpin brought her into conflict with rival assassin Bullseye. After Elektra refused to kill Daredevil’s friend and legal partner Foggy Nelson, Bullseye killed her with her own weapon in a famous sequence. She staggered, bleeding, to Matt’s apartment and died in his arms. Daredevil then basically beat Bullseye within an inch of his life and went a little crazy due to her death. Elektra has since been resurrected.

Miller returned to Daredevil in 1985-86 and with artist David Mazzucchelli created what is probably my all-time favorite comics story (basically tied with the Dark Phoenix Saga), Born Again. It begins as Matt’s ex-girlfriend Karen Page sells his secret identity as Daredevil. Karen had fallen on hard times, as her movie career fizzled and she started doing porn and developed a heroin addiction.

The Kingpin received Karen’s information and used it to destroy Matt’s career and relationships and basically turn him into a homeless man. Born Again is a dense seven issues in which Matt’s life falls apart, he meets his estranged mother (a nun), fights a psychotic assassin and rescues Karen on his way to rebuilding his life. It’s famous for how Miller and Mazzucchelli, in just a few terse panels, perfectly capture the awe-inspiring power of Thor, Captain America and Iron Man.

I’d never read anything like that story before and it’s still magnificent. I saw a website did a series on iconic moments in comics and a good percentage were from this story. The absolute highlight comes after Kingpin beats a broken Matt and disposes of his body, assuming he has killed him. The only problem, as Kingpin thinks over and over again: “There is no corpse.” Then you turn the page and OH MY GOD SO GOOD I CAN’T EVEN

Now I want to read Born Again again. Daredevil was a little too dark for years after but has lightened considerably and is having a great run under Mark Waid as Daredevil has moved to San Francisco for a fresh start. So I am excited about Daredevil and curious to see what they’ll do.

Sex: the New Thing for People to Do

Couples everywhere are having sex now. If they’re not having it, they’re certainly talking about having it. That’s all thanks to last weekend’s box office triumph of Fifty Shades of Grey, the first mainstream movie that has ever depicted sex. 

Before the adventures of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, I don’t really remember hearing about sex in pop culture before. Steven Soderbergh’s debut movie Lies and Videotape was just about the advantages and disadvantages of film vs. tape. Other movies like Last Tango in Paris and Salo were kind of prim. Prince did a lot of moaning in his songs like “Darling Nikki” but that was really just GI discomfort. I bought Madonna’s Sex book but was disappointed because it was just her wearing a pantsuit and lecturing about gender.

Fifty Shades of Grey is also the first book that really discussed sex. Lady Chatterley’s Lovers was really just a collection of recipes. Philip Roth has never written a smutty word in his life. So this is a new horizon in literature. P.S. Congratulations on reading your first book at age 43!

Also, Fifty Shades of Grey depicts something called “BDSM.” Apparently people sometimes have sex with handcuffs and blindfolds and there’s spanking. Did you know that? Were you aware?

So this book and movie have really brought sex to the forefront of the conversation. Carnal relations were really absent from our culture entirely before. I used to hear “sex” and think it was just three letters together in a random sequence. Now my eyes are open. Thanks, EL James!

The Americans S3 E3: Open House

Last week it was corpse origami with a suitcase. This week it was amateur dental work with pliers. What are they going to do next week on The Americans, behead a live person with a steak knife?

The tooth pulling was another one of those stare-through-your-fingers-and-scream-la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you scenes but it was also gorgeously shot. It was almost erotic. Not that it would turn anybody on to see a mouth full of blood and hear a tooth cracking, but it was the wordless intimacy, the way Elizabeth grabbed onto Philip’s shoulders for support, that was astounding. It seemed like a détente between these two. By the end of the episode in the car, they’re trying to figure out what to do about Paige together rather than arguing about it. I don’t know why they couldn’t just find a crooked surgeon to pull the tooth (they did have a connection who took care of Elizabeth after she got shot) but then we wouldn’t have had this amazing scene.

The whole scene in the open house, with Philip bugging that CIA guy’s radio device using just a letter opener and his wits, was exciting. Even better was Elizabeth in the car later, getting closer than she ever has to getting caught, saved only by a static-prone radio and car accident by the guys following her. I really didn’t know where this was going so I was on the edge of my seat. The experience really seemed to shake her up.

I’m really happy The Americans is showing more of the nuts and bolts of spy work. I’m always fascinated to see the code words and drop locations. I loved when the passer-by threw the radio into Elizabeth’s car and when we got a glimpse of the Soviets’ new phone operator, who is apparently into aerobics. Seeing the network of spies in Washington adds to the air that anybody can be a player in this drama and anybody could be a suspect.

I also am enjoying watching Elizabeth train the new spy and quizzing him on the pedestrians he sees on the street. Of course, Elizabeth was a little off during the chase scene about whether she’d seen the same car twice, but I’ll chalk this up to the pain in her tooth distracting her. Am I sensing some sexual tension between these two? She didn’t close the door to anything. She said she didn’t want to step out on Philip but did imply that they do have a connection.

Martha is becoming especially delusional. Honey, your husband does not live with you, you don’t know where he goes and nobody can know the two of you are married. Why would you think this is a basis for stable parenting?

A few stray points. Gabriel is a great Scrabble player. Who else would play “stygian”? I guess it’s a signal that he will outwit Philip. I am intrigued by Agent Aderholt, who has come closer to catching the Jenningses than anybody else in the FBI. I’m not sure what to make of Zinaida but I think she’s playing a long con and there is more to her than meets the eye. Her appearance on that talk show really was a performance.

We cheered when we heard Air Supply’s “All Out of Love.” The soundtrack of this show does not disappoint.

I had the most environmentally catastrophic dream

I dreamed I was walking in some kind of wooded area, like the area around Darby Creek, as a shortcut to get somewhere. I looked up and there was water flowing downhill and starting to take over the ground.

It almost looked like the tide coming in as the ocean started encroaching further onto the beach, except the water was flowing downhill, as if the ocean were about to overflow its banks above us. The water was sort of pooling in patches of foam around us. I got the sense that the land would soon be all water and that would be an environmental catastrophe. I know that’s not how it works but the physics made sense in the dream.

I talked to a woman who lived nearby and she said the water started rising some time ago but it had just started getting worse. I thought it was just my luck that the day I wanted to use the woods as a shortcut, I couldn’t. I didn’t know how I’d get where I wanted. The way the water was pooling was beautiful and terrifying.

Why would anyone want to look like the Red Skull?

Insanity would be my guess but then, I’m turned off by people whose facial modifications are more exotic than piercings or tattoos. Beyond the aesthetics of what this guy did to his face, who would want to look like the Red Skull, one of the biggest bastards in the Marvel Universe? Does he not know who the comic character was?

Here’s a quick recap. In the comics, the Red Skull was a German named Johann Schmidt. His mother died in childbirth and his father tried to kill him in a fit of grief before the obstetrician saved him. Schmidt was attracted to the darkness from an early age and murdered a woman who spurned his advances.

Schmidt ended up working as a bellboy at a hotel where Hitler was staying and wandered into a room where the Fuhrer was berating an officer. He pointed at Schmidt and said, “I could turn that bellboy into a better Nazi than you.” That’s exactly what happened and the Red Skull become a loyal officer of the Third Reich and opponent of Captain America, who went into suspended animation at the end of World War II, to be revived later. The old Captain America comic hints that Hitler knew the Red Skull’s evil might one day surpass his own.

Some of the Marvel villains wouldn’t even work with him. During the Acts of Vengeance crossover, Magneto formed a tentative alliance with the Red Skull and some other villains. Once they achieved their goals, Holocaust survivor Magneto locked the former Nazi in a room with a few jugs of water and basically told him to think about what he did during World War II. The skull got out somehow and later got shot to death. I believe now Charles Xavier’s brain is in the Red Skull’s skull (or something like that).

Of note is that the Red Skull groupie is actually altering his face. The comic character had the good sense to wear a mask.

The Americans S3 E2: Baggage

If there was a theme to this week’s episode, it was women in boxes. One was shipped from the USSR in a crate, one was stuck in a KGB prison and one ended up posthumously contorted in a suitcase.

We need to talk about that suitcase scene. Watching and listening to Elizabeth and Philip break Annelise’s bones and dispose of her body was probably the most viscerally horrifying thing I’ve ever seen on TV and I almost had to leave the room. Between that and the rampant nudity on The Americans, it’s surprising what basic cable can get away with these days. The chilling part was how the Jenningses wordlessly and efficiently went about making all those bones go ways they weren’t supposed to. It’s clear that they’ve done this before in fine hotels across America.

To show he’s a team player, Yousaf joined in and snapped a few fibula. I don’t know what his deal is or what will come of his meeting with those people (CIA?) in the bar. I assume he got the message that Philip and Elizabeth sent him when disposing of the body: We are not people you want to mess with.

I don’t know what I expected to come out of that crate but a Soviet defector wearing an oxygen mask was not it. I’m not sure where this is going.

In another box we have a miserable Nina, trading in her 1982-stylish office wear for a communist sweat suit. As she found out, the only thing worse than being in a KGB prison alone is having an annoying roommate. The scene between these two reminded me of Piper and her motormouth cellmate on Orange Is the New Black. Nina was so beaten down that I barely recognized her but there is hope as Oleg’s father can pull some strings and get her out of there.

Speaking of beaten down, this is the lowest point we’ve ever seen Stan, following his near-shooting by Oleg in a dark alley. He’s going to Sandra because he doesn’t have anyone left to confide in. I don’t think he would have minded getting shot because his life is such a disaster.

The “Baggage” of the title, aside from referring to that unusually heavy suitcase, had a resonance with Elizabeth and her relationship with her dying mother. She argues that her own mother was supportive of her joining the KGB, so she should support Paige’s recruitment into the illegals program. There’s a flaw in that logic: Elizabeth already knew her true heritage but Paige does not and when she finds out, when they pull the rug from under her, it could destroy her. I read an interview where the creators said they purposely write the characters as not being psychologically attuned and that’s Elizabeth in this scene. She’s so indoctrinated that she misses some truths.

However, it is getting clear that something needs to be done about Paige. She’s getting suspicious that all Philip’s late nights mean he is cheating on her mother. This is a realistic development since Clark can only spend so many nights at Martha’s before his kids get suspicious. Something is going to come to a head soon because the one person they can’t deceive with wigs or shaky explanations is their daughter.

The Promise of a Terrible Winter

Where is this terrible winter that the weather people promised us?

They swore it would be awful in the Delaware Valley. A few months ago, before the chill of autumn had faded to the numbness of winter, They forecast dire temperatures and every imaginable form of precipitation: snow, sleet, ice, freezing rain, etc. Even after last year's endless piles of snow, They warned us that we might not be done yet. They said we would get 10 percent more snow than last winter. We moaned in pain and started to prepare.

For the most part, the snow stays stubbornly locked into clouds that barely appear. January has come and gone and our area has had, what — six inches total plus a couple of single digit nights? This is the heart of blizzard season and yet all we have on tap is little sputters of snow. The sleet from the other day was just a pathetic excuse for a Snowmageddon. 

What the hell, Farmer's Almanac?

We were promised an awful winter and we damn well better get it. February and March need to step it up. We stocked up on salt and shovels. We heard a forecast of a few inches and hit the panic button, raiding the bread aisle like a bunch of communists who heard the tanks in the distance. Then nothing happened, or nothing that we would remember in a week. If all that angst was for nothing, if we make it to Easter unscathed, we're going to feel pretty ripped off.

Because I Died

I’ve been re-watching old episodes of Mad Men and recently Don Draper looked at a proposed ad for Hilton that featured a mouse. Don rejected the ad, saying “I don’t think people want to think of a mouse in a hotel.” That makes sense. Perhaps Nationwide should hire some kind of real-life Don Draper to review their ads because I’m not an expert but I’m pretty sure people don’t like to think of dead children when they think of insurance.

There are so many ways kids could die and during the Super Bowl the insurance company showed them all to us: Drowning in a bathtub, eating dishwasher detergent that looks like brightly-colored candy, getting crushed by a TV, etc. On a night when the commercials seemed oddly maudlin and depressing, this was the worst.

I’ve had a Nationwide policy for many years and didn’t need a ghost child to sell me a policy. I don’t know what happened here. The ad makes as much sense as not giving the ball to Marshawn Lynch at 2^nd and goal at the 1. Usually the company’s ads are so upbeat, with the soothing theme song. Why did they turn the creative reins over to the most depressed person in the world? Plenty of kids have died in horrible accidents. Did this company think it would be a good idea for the surviving family members to have to watch an ad that might have referenced their child’s demise?

Oh, but Nationwide didn’t spend $5 million just to sell insurance; the company was trying to Raise Awareness. Of all the ways kids could die. Here’s the company statement:

The sole purpose of this message was to start a conversation, not sell insurance. We want to build awareness of an issue that is near and dear to all of us-the safety and well being of our children.

Who wrote this line of bullshit, Roger Goodell? You will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever convince me that a for-profit company spent an insane amount of money during the biggest media event of the year for the “sole purpose” of starting a conversation. I might believe it of a non-profit group like the domestic violence ad that aired because they’re not implying that you buy something. There are other resources that will offer safety tips to parents for free and not sell you something on the side.

But companies like Nationwide have the primary goal of making money. You pay them and they provide a service. Sure, they might want to raise awareness of child safety but hey, while they have your attention, why not open a policy? You’re already reading the website so you might as well. Every time Coke or McDonalds or Anheuser Busch releases a heartwarming ad, the subtext will always be “pay us.” I accept that this is part of business but don’t insult people’s intelligence by expecting them to believe you spent millions with no designs on selling your product.

Nationwide notes the ad got people talking. Mission accomplished. Right now I’m talking about what a terrible ad that was.