A Modest Proposal

In looking at the terror attacks in Paris and in trying to prevent future ISIS attacks around the world, we must face hard truths. It’s not pretty but we must recognize and ask hard questions about the one demographic group these terrorists belonged to.

Millennials.

By and large, the murderers belonged to the subset of people born in the ‘80s. Now I’m not saying we should paint all people born in this generation as ideologically-driven murders. I’m also not saying we should automatically be suspicious or discriminatory when we see these people out and about, taking selfies or ordering Ubers or generally acting entitled in the workplace.

What I am saying is that we need increased vigilance for Millennials. We may have to do some things to safeguard our liberty that were unthinkable just a few years ago, but these challenges we face were also unthinkable until recently.

What do I propose? For starters, let’s safeguard our borders against these nefarious Millennials. The screening process needs to be more rigorous so we can weed out people who look like they are in the cast of Girls or who brag that “I don’t even own a television.” An excessive attachment to a smart phone would also automatically bar these people from seeking refuge and keep the American people safer.

For those Millennials who are already here, we may need increased surveillance of this generation to prevent them from doing something terrible. Let’s keep a close eye on anywhere this generation likes to hang out. This would include Drake concerts or living in their parents’ basements while saddled with crippling student loans. We may need to shut these places down.

Perhaps a database or Millennials is also in order, or maybe they should all have some kind of special identifier on their driver’s licenses to register them as part of this potentially nefarious generation.

Oh sure, some people will say this is a panicky, stupid way to confront this problem that flies in the face of what America stands for an also risks driving more Millennials to the arms of the terrorists. But isn’t it worth a shot?