I'd totally vote for a woman for president—just not one of these women

I mean, I’d totally vote for Elizabeth Warren but there’s something about her that turns me off. She just … talks about stuff and explains stuff. It’s just like with Hillary Clinton and her shrill pantsuits, and the way she didn’t smile enough but laughed too much. I’m all for voting for women, but not them. They remind me of the ex-wives I never had.

Kamala Harris turns me off twice as much as Warren or Clinton. I can’t put my finger on why. I’m also not too hot on Amy Klobuchar, Tulsi Gabbard, Kristen Gillibrand or Marianne Williamson, for various vague reasons. I’m a huge fan of hypothetical women but these are just not the right women for the Oval Office.

While I’ve always been a massive feminist, I also wouldn’t have voted for Shirley Chisholm, Barbara Jordan, Pat Schroeder, Carol Moseley Braun, Michele Bachmann, Elizabeth Dole, Jill Stein, Carly Fiorina, Alyson Kennedy, Carrie Chapman Catt, Helen Halyard, Cathy Gordon Brown, Caroline Killeen, Marsha Feinland, Elaine Brown, Ellen McCormack, Lorna Salzman, or Margaret Chase Smith. True, I was either not alive or not old enough to vote when these women ran, but I wouldn’t have voted for any of them for president. They just turn me off, even based on a brief perusal of their Wikipedia pages. It just wasn’t their time.

There are a lot of other women currently in Congress who could potentially make a run for president someday but I don’t know if I’m feeling it: Nancy Pelosi, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Liz Cheney, Ilhan Omar, Susan Collins, Lisa Blunt Rochester, Lisa Murkowski, Katherine Clark, Martha Roby, Mary Gay Scanlon, Ayanna Pressley, Terri, Sewell, Ann Kirkpatrick, Rashida Tlaib, Debbie Lesko, Doris Matsui, Dianne Feinstein, Jackie Speier, Sharice Davids, Anna Eshoo, Zoe Lofgren, Suzanne DelBene, Katie Hill, Judy Chu, Julia Brownley, Joni Ernst, Barbara Lee, Grace Napolitano, Norma Torres, Karen Bass, Linda Sanchez, Yvette Clark, Lucille Roybal-Allard, Maxine Waters, Nanette Barragan, Katie Porter, Abigail Spanberger, Susan Davis, Sylvia Garcia, Diana DeGette, Rosa DeLauro, Jahana Hayes, Chellie Pingree, Stephanie Murphy, Val Demings, Kathy Castor, Chrissy Houlahan, Mikie Sherrill, Jacky Rosen, Betty McCollum, Lois Frankel, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Susie Lee, Debbie Mucarsel-Powell, Donna Shalala, Cathy McMorris Rodgers, Kyrsten Sinema, Lucy McBath, Robin Kelly, Jan Schakowsky, Lauren Underwood, Cheri Bustos, Susan Brooks, Abby Finkenauer, Debbie Stabenow, Mazie Hirono, Cindy Axne, Lori Trahan, Elissa Slotkin, Haley Stevens, Tammy Duckworth, Brenda Lawrence, Angie Craig, Ann Wagner, Vicky Hartzler, Dina Titus, Ann McLane Kuster, Bonnie Watson Coleman, Martha McSally, Deb Haaland, Cindy Hyde-Smith, Xochitl Torres Small, Kathleen Rice, Grace Meng, Nydia Velazquez, Frederica Wilson, Deb Fischer, Carolyn Maloney, Tian Smith, Maggie Hassan, Nita Lowey, Elise Stefanik, Virginia Foxx, Alma Adams, Joyce Beatty, Marcy Kaptur, Marcia Fudge, Kendra Horn, Suzanne Bonamici, Madeleine Dean, Susan Wild, Lizzie Pannill Fletcher, Kay Granger, Veronica Escobar, Sheila Jackson Lee, Eddie Bernice Johnson, Jackie Walorski, Elaine Luria, Jennifer Wexton, Jaime Herrera Beutler, Pramila Jayapal, Kim Schrier, Carol Miller, Gwen Moore, Catherine Cortez Masto, Jeanne Shaheen, Marsha Blackburn, Patty Murray, Maria Cantwell, Shelley Moore Capito, Tammy Baldwin or Debbie Dingell. I’m sure all these gals are lovely, but I just don’t know if I’d vote for one of them for president.

Look, nobody is a bigger feminist than me. Nobody. I can’t say I’m the father of daughters, but as the son of a mother, I’d love to see a woman in the White House. Someday. But I’m just going to pass on all the aforementioned women.