Baby, It's Stupid Outside

Christmas is fast approaching in a whirlwind of garland and consumer debt, which means it’s time once again to engage in America’s least vital debate: What We as a Society do with “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” I am Switzerland in this discussion—an annoyed Switzerland, since I don’t think many questions matter less than this one. I just think every position on this song is not worth taking.

The new thing is that John Legend and Kelly Clarkson have released a new version of this song with less roofie content. I haven’t heard the whole thing but boy are some people outraged about changing the song’s lyrics.

I’m sorry: Is this the “Star-Spangled Banner” that we’re rewriting? No, it’s just some dumb song from 73 years ago. We can delete it from our national playlist and nothing of value will be lost. Why are we dying on this hill?

If radio stations stop playing the original “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” or play the new version, we’ll all live. I guess this thing is a beloved Christmas classic for people but there are plenty of beloved Christmas songs out there so we can always listen to those. As I said, I haven’t heard the new version but I can’t imagine being passionate enough about it to engage in a debate. I don’t think I’d even heard the damn thing until a few years ago when people started bitching about whether or not we should listen to it, as if the song itself were some crucial moral signifier.

On the other side of it, I don’t think society will collapse if people listen to the original. We need to promote women’s autonomy but there are more important fronts on that battle than some Dean Martin song.

Also, it’s not “censorship” if radio stations don’t play the original. The First Amendment protects the people from the government, not from radio programmers. We’ve been over this.

In conclusion, can we not do this stupid Kabuki theater debate of What We As a Society Should Do about this dumb song? Play “Baby It’s Cold Outside” in its original form or its remade form. Or don’t play the old one. Or don’t play the new one. Or burn the song in effigy. But let’s not waste our time on this idiotic debate for another Christmas because nothing about this song matters. And I realize that by writing this, I’ve just wasted further time with a debate, but that’s kind of what I do here.