Way Too Late

This time of year, we Americans sit down together to debate the eternal question: Is it too early to start celebrating Christmas? Should Black Friday fall before Thanksgiving? When do you put up lights and a tree? Are we ready to hear Christmas songs yet? Most people say it can be too early to start. But in the spirit of contrarianism, I’m going to argue that it’s not too early. It’s too late—way too late to start Christmas.

I mean, seriously—there’s only a month until Christmas, and you haven’t been celebrating it outwardly for months? What’s your problem? You should have had your Christmas tree up by Halloween at the latest. At the latest. And yet your home is free of pine needles and stray tinsel? Come on. Your house must have looked ridiculous decked out in pumpkins and scarecrows in October, like someone wearing tight-rolled jeans in 2002.

The sounds of “Christmas Wrapping” and “Let It Snow” should have been playing in your car and home since at least the summer. There are thousands of Christmas songs so late November is simply fatally late to start playing all of them. You should have turned down the AC in your car last July to be able to hear the synthesized sleigh bells better while the sweat rolls down your face.

I know I spent the summer getting ready, shut away at home and racing to get yuletide preparations underway in time for a September reveal. What’s that? You wanted to spend Labor Day weekend enjoying the last rays of summer sunshine? Amateur. I was barricaded at home with the shades pulled down, wrapping presents over the sound of the pool filter.

Forget summer: Christmas needs to start even earlier than that. I have been done my shopping since May. If a new game comes out that my son wants, or there’s a new record that my husband might want, they’re just out of luck, because they missed the deadline. Maybe next year, since while I resume shopping again on Dec. 15, those gifts are for next Christmas.

We’ve already left out some cookies for Santa. We haven’t left out the milk yet, of course—that happens on Dec. 20.

Thursday is Thanksgiving and I’ve had several blissful months of staring at the colored lights outside our house and the meaningful family decorations inside. I feel bad for people who don’t have that. They’re going to spend next month gearing up for Christmas, and that’s very sad.