It’s a new year and a
brand new me! A me that is achieving weight-loss goals by embarking on several
diets all at once! That’s right, I’m doing keto, paleo, South Beach, Atkins and
a bunch of other crap! I’ve never felt better! Or more confused!
It can be a little
hectic at times, I must admit. Like, I’m doing keto, so my breakfast is
bacon-spiked eggnog and prime rib topped with peanuts. It’s just enough to get
me to that sweet, sweet state of ketosis. Sometimes I add a carafe of breakfast
wine so I can comply with everyone’s favorite, the egg and wine diet. But my
paleo advisor tells me to avoid the eggs because the cavemen didn’t eat them,
so I get a little confused. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize the
pounds melting off like April slush.
I’m also trying to be
vegan, at least part time, so I thought I should eat some fruits and vegetables
for lunch, which would also help me adhere to Fruitarianism (although, like Tom
Brady, I refuse to eat strawberries). But many of the existing diets tell me
these foods are verboten. I’m kind of torn because I don’t want to balloon
because I ate an apple. The good news is I’m sticking with the Atkins diet, so
I burned all the bread in my house in an emotional ritual. Ditto all the
gluten. But then this all conflicts with the Ornish diet, which is high in
carbs and low in fat. So I’m thinking of switching lunch over to three fettucine
alfredo sandwiches on white bread but I’m just not sure.
For an afternoon snack,
I generally adhere to the baby food diet. I try to balance this with my foray
into the cabbage soup diet. But then all this puts me in conflict with the raw
food diet. What to do? How can I achieve a healthy balance?
Since I’m on the
lamb chop and pineapple diet, dinner usually consists of six lamb chops and an
entire pineapple. Dessert is several sticks of butter, eaten whole, with a pork
soufflé. But then I’m also on Weight Watchers and NutriSystem, and they
advocate a more balanced diet. Do I keep eating butter by the pound or should I
add in some leafy greens? That would also conflict with my adherence to the
Whole30 diet. It’s a dilemma.
And since nothing works
like an elimination diet, I’m also embarking on a juice fast! When I’m not on
all the other diets, I eat nothing but kale juice for one meal a day. This diet
lets me have control and certainly has nothing in common with an eating
disorder. While I drink my liquid kale, I listen to a motivational tape of Jillian
Michaels screaming at Lizzo.
Last but not least, I
eat whatever Gwyneth Paltrow tells me to eat. My total faith in her compels me
to buy all her products to increase my self-wellness and my essential essence
of healthfulness. I even bought her jade eggs to insert into the vagina that I
do not have.
So it’s been a whirlwind
with all these diets but it will be worth it when I strut out onto the beach
with a 12-pack! I’m not a doctor but I did spend a few valuable hours on
PubMed, which is all the scientific basis I need! Remember, the most important
thing in life is being healthy looking thin!
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