Tough Day, Huh?

The scene is a suburban home. A 911 operator returns home to his wife after a long day at work.

911 Operator: Oh, is that dinner on the table? Hon, you’re a lifesaver.

911 Operator’s Wife: Tough day, huh?

911: Lemme tell ya. First, the Keurig broke so none of us had coffee.

Wife: Ugh. Hate that.

911: Then, Bob tells me they’re reviewing my report two days earlier than I expected so I have to throw that together. Plus, Sue was out so I had twice the volume of work.

Wife: They really should hire more people.

911: I’ve been saying that for years. Plus, traffic was a nightmare so I was all frazzled when I got there. And you wouldn’t believe the calls that came through.

Wife: Really?

911: Really. People think the stupidest things are emergencies. And some people have no class at all. You wouldn’t believe this one lady who called. The mouth on this woman!

Wife: Oh, I’ll bet.

911: This kid got shot at a party or something and the friend calls us while she’s doing CPR or whatever. And I’m just asking questions, trying to help, and she just starts cursing at me. Drops the F-bomb! Seventeen years old.

Wife: Oh … wow.

911: I tell her, “You know what? Deal with this yourself.” I’m just not paid enough to listen to all the swearing, you know?

Wife: So … what happened?

911: I don’t know. I hung up on her. (Imitates girl's voice) “Oh, don’t hang up, my friend is dying.” Well, you can call back after you collect yourself and drop the attitude.

Wife (wide-eyed): So the last thing you heard was “He’s dying” and you hung up?

911: Yes. What kind of crass society are we living in? A polite please and thank you would have been nice. When I was a kid, I would never have talked like that to anybody. I’d had a pretty rough day and the last thing I’m going to do is put up with her potty mouth.

The wife picks up her plate of spaghetti and drops it in his lap.

Wife: You’re a fucking asshole.

Ahead of Me/Behind You

The afternoon is ahead of me somewhere with its rippling blue more forgiving than the hard cobalt of the hybrid that sits stubbornly in front, speed shifting but somehow never managing to reach the speed limit on the two-lane road with little hope.

Glimpses of hair and sunglasses give me a specious narrative of who they are: dutiful daughter taking elderly mom shopping. They have all day to putz around and cannot imagine the guy behind them does not have all day, too. Unbidden, they pull over to let me by, honking the horn when I resisted high-beaming, only to find some other sucker stuck behind their parade.

They must understand, they have to know that behind them there is always someone who can't wait to slip into the hard liquid shadows of the afternoon. Someone who can't wander around life without a schedule as they do.

Have the common courtesy to get out of the way and let life speed on.

Why I won't vote for Donald Trump

Because to have this — THIS —

represent America in any way, shape or form will not only weaken our standing in the eyes of the world but also runs the risk of damaging our beloved nation’s very soul.

Donald Trump is a clown and has been a clown for decades. The man, as part of a speech intended to get people to vote for him, alienated an entire ethnicity of voters and then lost many of his business deals. This was how he chose to start his campaign. Trump, who received five deferments from military service, said John McCain, an actual POW who was in prison and everything, was not a war hero. His business legacy includes more Chapter 11s than Barnes and Noble. He is perhaps best known, not for a grasp of foreign and domestic policy, but for yelling at Rosie O’Donnell that one time.

It both deeply saddens and deeply amuses me that Trump is a current frontrunner among the 716 Republican presidential candidates. It’s sad because it’s one of those moments when you have to once again question why the Constitution gave any of us the right to vote. It’s amusing because you just know some of his popularity is due to people who find this whole thing hilarious and want Trump to stay in the race as long as possible just for the entertainment value. I have to admit I kind of want to see him get eviscerated in a campaign commercial or debate.

Trump is one of those people we describe as, “He tells it like it is” with a chuckle and shake of the head. “Tells it like it is” is a diplomatic way of saying “obnoxious yet amusing asshole.” You know who else tells it like it is?

·      Senile people

·      Your racist uncle at Thanksgiving

·      People who have had traumatic brain injuries and lost their mental filter

·      The very drunk

·      People with zero self-awareness or sense of propriety

As you can see, the world has no shortage of people who tell it like it is. Do you want one of those people to be president? Being president of the United States requires many exceptional qualities so a candidate should be an exceptional person. Trump’s qualifications basically consist of rage and a big mouth and you can find that in any jackass down the street.

Looking at the slate of candidates, the Republican presidential nomination is like the NFC South: Somebody’s gotta win it but that doesn’t mean he’s a winner. Donald Trump’s candidacy is a very entertaining reality show but please, my fellow Americans, let’s know when to turn off the TV and do something more worthwhile with our time.  

How was 'Ant-Man'?

Pretty good. The movie had a sense of fun and humor, appropriate for a character whose powers are shrinking and communicating with ants. I liked the scenes with Ant-Man shrinking as normal household objects became threats, especially when he was hanging onto the grooves of a spinning record for dear life.

Ant-Man was obviously not a movie that would have worked with the bleak tones of The Dark Knight. Ant-Man has an A-list pedigree in the Marvel Universe — first appearing in 1962 as an original Lee/Kirby creation, founder of the Avengers — but I don’t know that he’s ever really been A-list. Hank Pym’s heroic legacy, as Ant-Man, Giant-Man, Goliath and Yellowjacket, has been overshadowed by his failures, such as creating Ultron and slapping his wife. As I read recently, the thing with Hank is that he overcomes his darker side to be a hero.

The movie does play on that flawed hero aspect, with Pym and Scott Lang. In the comics, Lang was similarly a reformed criminal with a daughter. He kind of hung around on the margins of the Avengers for years and was friends with Hank and Jan. Jack of Hearts killed Lang during the chaos of the Avengers Disassembled story but he later was resurrected. His daughter Cassie became the size-changing hero Stature but I think she died.

Pym’s movie story is as reasonably close to the comic story as could be expected. The one thing they didn’t get into was the mental breakdowns and sense of inferiority that Pym had. It’s a shame there was no room for that since the psychology was fascinating. The movie had an echo of the comic origin, in which Hank’s first wife Maria, a former political prisoner in communist Hungary, got murdered on their honeymoon. 

In the movie, though, it’s wife Janet Van Dyne who died in the past. I was disappointed to hear this rumor before I saw the movie. I think the Avengers need her bubbly personality to balance out the seriousness of people like Thor and Captain America. It was a shame to cut a woman out of the Marvel Universe, let alone a founding member of the Avengers, since she was an important, progressive female character. Like the Invisible Woman, the Wasp had a power that made her seem to disappear back in the ‘60s, when women were still damsels in distress. Over the years, writers developed both women into confident leaders and boosted their powers. It’s a shame they couldn’t include Jan in some way.

All is not lost, of course, since her daughter Hope will become the new Wasp (she has the haircut but her personality is more hard-edged than her mother’s). Also (spoiler) I’m pretty sure Jan is still alive after shrinking into that microverse. In comics, you never believe a character is dead unless you see a body. And even then.

With the addition of Ant-Man and the Wasp, regardless of who is behind the masks, and the upcoming introduction of the Black Panther, the classic cast of ‘60s Avengers will be set. Now all we need are Captain Marvel (Carol Danvers), Wonder Man, She-Hulk, Captain Marvel (Monica Rambeau), the Black Knight and a bunch of others and we’ll be fine. Make that happen, Marvel, would you?

Buster and Ororo

Steve and I brought home two kittens last Saturday, courtesy of the Delaware Humane Association. They are Buster and Ororo, a boy and girl from the same litter that a woman had been fostering.

Buster is a little gray boy. He's named after Buster Bluth from Arrested Development. He's a little lovebug and loves to sit and get his tummy rubbed. Ororo is a pretty black kitty. We named her for the real name of Storm of the X-Men (I'm kind of alternately calling her Aurora because everybody will spell her name that way anyway). She is a pistol and loves to run around and get into mischief.

They are doing pretty well and have already started exploring the house. We weren't expecting to take home two kittens but the people from the DHA said it might be a good idea to have two so if Cerys can't keep up with their energy, they can play with each other. It's funny how pint-size Cerys looks bigger next to them. As tiny as the kittens are, their paperwork says they're still twice as big as she was at the same age so they will probably end up being bigger than their big sister.

Cerys is doing a lot of hissing at Ororo and Buster, establishing to them that she's the queen. I'm hoping she'll come around. We wanted new cats (once we moved so we wouldn't have to move more than one) since she seems a little lonely and bored since Jarvis died. She has a playful nature and we wanted her to have friends, especially for when we're not home.

Of course, the new kitties are for us, too. I know I've had a Jarvis-sized void on my lap so I'm excited to have more life and lap cats in the house. This will be an adventure.

The Days the Music Died

Kim Kardashian recently appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone and Sinead O’Connor declared it to mark the death of music. The thing with music it that it’s like a phoenix: it will always return. Here is a comprehensive list of all the times we declared music to be dead.

The first time someone played the Grease megamix at a wedding

Anytime anyone criticizes Taylor Swift as she and her art are beyond criticism

When “Macarena” began its 14^th week at #1

REO Speedwagon

That year classically trained musician Esperanza Spalding won the Best New Artist Grammy over Justin Bieber, who once pissed in a janitor’s bucket

When the first person reacted to Adele’s “Someone Like You” with anything less than inconsolable sobbing

During the first chorus of Sheena Easton’s “Morning Train”

Whenever Kanye West doesn’t get his way

August 20, 1979

Whenever someone sings “American Pie” at karaoke

The release date of “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong

Anytime people sing along with and “act out” the lyrics in “Summer Nights”

Vespertine

When Alanis Morrissette’s English teacher turned over in her grave

Any Mariah Carey key change

“Don’t Worry, Be Happy” hitting #1

The expiration date of the meat dress

When she stopped waiting another day for “The Captain of Her Heart”

When Paul McCartney sang “In this ever-changing world in which we live in”

Steely Dan winning that Grammy

The cymbal break after the line “And I’ll proudly stand up” in “God Bless the USA”

When Jewel whimpered “You’re breaking my … heart” in “Foolish Games”

Any new material PIL released

The first time Macy Gray opened her mouth to sing

Anytime someone samples a song you loved in your youth and makes it the basis for a new song

Cheer up, funny face. Music will live again.

The Tale of the Kitchen Island

Gather ‘round, children, and I shall tell you a tale. A saga of commerce and wondrous engineering. An epic poem of elemental destruction and kitchen storage.

This, my friends, is the tale of our new kitchen island.

Surely you are aware that two fortnights ago, when the first dew of summer had yet to dry, my betrothed and I made settlement in a new dwelling place. This place had charm and space for a king or two. However, there was one area in which the new domicile was inferior to the old: the kitchen. Specifically, where one would store food before preparation was lacking in space. Alas.

To remedy this oversight, we wracked our brains for a solution. Should we summon a skilled tradesman to construct a cabinet made of the finest materials? Should we try to work with what we have? Or should we just use a Lowe’s gift card and order something online?

My friends, the third option was ours. We decided on a new kitchen island, one made for a moveable feast, which could store all our foodstuffs and bakeware. I transcribed my credit card numbers and waited patiently for the day the kitchen island arrived.

The happy day came and my beloved was already deep into the construction of the island. But ho, what’s this? A crack in the hitherto unspoiled granite of the countertop. It was sundered in two.

This simply would not do. How might we butcher the choicest game on such a surface? How would we carve up the earth’s cornucopia on a shattered counter?

With haste, I got an audience with a manufacturer and levied my complaints. They told me I would have to return the marred island to the craftsman who constructed it before I could get an unspoiled piece of granite. I did so and waited for a response.

What followed was a flurry of communications as I tried to get the crucial answers. A communiqué assured me I would receive a replacement soon. Several days went by and I despaired of receiving it. Lo and behold, I returned home from my daily travails yesterday and found the might piece of granite, without a crack, waiting outside our domicile.

My betrothed gathered his tools and put the finishing touches on the mighty kitchen island, surrounded by floor tiles like a moat. It was gorgeous. At last, our castle finds some order. At last, we have a place to store our barley and wheat and even some ale.

And thus our tale is concluded.

So who is this Deadpool character?

Deadpool is a Marvel character set to feature in his own movie as part of the X-Men universe. Known as the “Merc with a Mouth,” he has been kind of the jokester of the Marvel Universe since he first appeared in the early ‘90s in the waning days of the original New Mutants series. On film, Ryan Reynolds played him back in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Deadpool (real name Wade Wilson) is sort of a parody of the DC New Teen Titans villain Deathstroke the Terminator (real name Slade Wilson) in both appearance and powers. The code name Deadpool is an answer to the question “Where do you do the deathstroke?” He started as a supervillain and later became an anti-hero.

Deadpool, whose face is scarred and hidden by a mask, was endowed by the Weapon X program (the program that created Wolverine) with healing ability and agility. He is a highly trained martial artist. He’s named “Merc with a Mouth” because he’s a mercenary who won’t stop talking.  

The other fun part of Deadpool is that he is aware that he is in a comic and will break the fourth wall a lot. His stories have always had an air of humor and parody to them and his various titles have always been a little jokey, with names like Deadpool Corps or Deadpool Team-Up or issues with labeled as fake “#900” (which means the title would date back to before the debut of Superman). There have been related characters who are wacky parodies of superhero names, like Lady Deadpool, Kid Deadpool (Kidpool) and Dogpool.

The main thing to remember about the character of Deadpool is fun. Comics have gone somewhat darker over the past few decades, with heroes acting more like antiheroes and doing terrible things in the service of saving the world. Deadpool is like a breath of fresh air, puncturing that doom and gloom, and comics are richer for having him in them.

Losing Daylight

The sun has already exhausted itself, having long since taking its shortest nap of the year. Unlike with winter's careless narcolepsy, the sky will not get a break. And though we do not see it, for weeks now, less and less light has been flooding our overstimulated world.

There are some who say summer peaks early in a quick burst of June lightning and then the thrill is gone by the time fireworks dissipate. Kids are barely out of school and the back to school sales have started.

Why do we do this? We do not see the full day of light while it shelters our heads. We just see the sun setting earlier until you turn on the lamps shockingly early in the December afternoon. Summer goes by while we just speed glumly ahead to the next thing.

Granite Ran

Let us toll a sad bell and light a wistful candle for the Granite Run Mall, as it is no more. It was born the same year as me yet I live on, another relic of the ‘70s.

That mall seemed like an extra far trip to us as kids because the Springfield Mall was much closer. We could take a bus to the Springfield Mall but Granite Run was like the place you had to get a ride to. It was bigger and seemed fancier.

I hadn’t actually been to the mall for some time. We were in the area a few years ago since we had free tickets to an AMC and that was the closest one. We saw a movie on a Friday night and I was shocked at how dead it was. You used to have to park like a mile away on the weekends. I drove by last weekend and did notice that there were about four cars in the parking lot when I used to have to park practically on Route 1 to shop, not that many years ago.

Remember going to the mall just to hang out? We did that all the time. Now you can’t drag me to a mall unless I absolutely need something. It’s not a leisure activity.

My main stop at the Granite Run Mall for many years was the comic book store. Half my collection must be from that place. I also liked the two or three music stores there: The Wall, Record Town and I think they had a Sam Goody. I was at Waldenbooks a lot. Remember the Bally’s with the weird dark glass front? How about the Farrah’s (?) ice cream place, way back when? Any Delco child of the ‘80s of course remembers the Children’s Place, which had that play maze with the slide and TV. Does anyone else remember when Sears had that big waterfall/fountain near the escalator, or am I senile?

I’m sure the mall will become some entertainment/retail/apartment extravaganza with cutting edge anchor stores and blah blah don’t really care because there’s absolutely no reason to shop there when a tax-free mall is five minutes away. I think they should just turn the mall directly into apartments — like people can live in the empty stores. When they want to go to bed, they can pull down those metal doors.

Like I said, I hadn’t shopped at the Granite Run Mall in years so I look back with nostalgia but I can’t get too weepy about something I left behind voluntarily. I can’t say, “No! They tore it down!” when I did nothing to support it for a long time. This happens as we get older: Places disappear and that’s sad but they’re just places we knew once and left behind. We take what we need from these things and go. It’s like if O’Hara closed, I’d be a little sad but I wouldn’t rail against it or protest or donate any money. I still have the friends I made in high school but I can only care so much about a place I once knew that I hadn’t set foot in for many years.