If you can think of a better way to get water, I'd like to hear it

Of course Silicon Valley types are asking us to take out home equity loans to buy “raw water.” Where else are we going to get it? It’s not like water just appears in the atmosphere at regular intervals.

One company is Live Water, which bottles the rare alloy known as “water” and sells bottles of it for $36.99 each. Refills are $14.99 each, a bargain for the savvy shopper. Some guy describes this raw water as not overwhelming the flavor profile, which is a relief to people who are overpowered by the taste of tap water, which can linger on the palate for days.

One person who drinks raw water attributes raw water to feeling that she’s getting more nutrition out of the food she eats. I’m certain this is a quantifiable effect one can feel.

Another company, Zero Mass Water, will install a system that lets you collect water from the atmosphere. What a crazy technological world we live in! The next thing you’ll be telling me is that you can put a seed in the ground and it will eventually produce food.

The founder of Juicero is also involved in the Raw Water Movement. You remember Juicero: It was a dramatically overpriced device for making juice that didn’t work better than something you get at Bed Bath and Beyond but you should spend more money on the Juicero based on the rock-solid reasoning that the inventors wanted you to. Well, after his business failed when nobody honored his request to overspend, he went on a 10-day juice cleanse and had some kind of epiphany to sell unprocessed water to people. Translation: My first brand of snake oil didn’t sell, so here’s another!

Has anyone told Gwyneth Paltrow about raw water? It’s really an amazing business opportunity she could pitch to her fans once they’re done sticking jade eggs into their crotches.

Raw water, of course, is an alternative to the tap water that the overwhelming number of people in this country have been consuming safely for many decades. The water is untreated, so you may get sick from drinking animal poop, but isn’t that a better alternative than drinking fluoride, which They are adding to our water to control our brains?

This whole raw water thing sounds like a conversation where one person makes an obvious, uncontroversial statement with enough evidence to back it up, like, “Processed tap water is overwhelmingly safe.” The other person counters with “But is it?” The first person’s mind is supposed to be blown in a Star Wars warp-effect way and is supposed to question everything. What the second person can’t hear is the Ron Howard Arrested Development voice-over saying, “It is.”

What a spoiled society we live in where things like potable water, vaccines and medications have already solved life-threatening problems for us and it’s still just not good enough for some people.