Dear Flimsy Paper Plate Manufacturer,

I am writing to complain about the physical integrity of your paper plates. They are cheap, flimsy and easily torn. These plates have ruined many a meal for me. 

 

Let me give you one example. The other night, I had my girlfriend over for dinner. All my fine china had been sent away for professional polishing, so I was using your brand of paper plates. We were chatting and laughing while I was making her an Italian feast.

 

Then it came time to serve her. I piled half a box of liberally sauced spaghetti, three meatballs, and two pieces of garlic bread on a single-ply paper plate. I walked over to where she was sitting at the table, holding the plate by the edges, with the tips of my fingers at 5 and 7 on the plate.

 

And—disaster. The meatballs and spaghetti rolled right off the plate onto her lap. She jumped up in surprise and yelped in horror. My girlfriend’s jeans were ruined and so was our dinner date. I don’t know if our relationship will recover. I am very disappointed your paper plates are not durable enough to handle this everyday use.

 

This is hardly the first mishap with one of your shoddy paper plates. Once I was at a picnic and had loaded up one of your plates with a turkey leg, a heap of mashed potatoes, a big hunk of cheesecake and a couple of apples. I was holding the paper plate with one hand under the center of it, like a waiter with a tray, when the mashed potatoes slid off, spilling gravy all over my shirt. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me, at least at a picnic.

 

I also have a big problem with your crappy trash bags. They just don’t stand up to any level of punishment. They certainly don’t stay hooked around the edge of the trashcan.

 

Here’s an example. My Keurig recently broke. I was disgusted because I wasn’t able to drink any coffee that morning (and, let‘s face it, I was a little grumpy without my caffeine) so I threw the Keurig in the trash. Not just tossed it in—I wound up like Randy Johnson and hurled the Keurig into the trash can as hard as I could. I was just so angry that it broke.

 

Well, the trash bag didn’t make it. It came right off the lid of the can and collapsed in on itself. I put the bag back on and tried again to throw out my coffee maker (with the reservoir still full of water), but the bag just kept coming off. What shoddy workmanship.

 

If I can’t trust the integrity of your paper plates or trash bags to stand up to perfectly normal usage, I have no choice but to take you to court.

 

I bid you good day.