That's what the money is for

If there is any kind of ticker-tape parade for Richard Branson or Jeff Bezos as the first multi-billionaires to go to space, I will not be attending. Call me old fashioned but I do not believe space should be open to filthy-rich tourists. Space should be for research to aid us in solving the very real problems we have on Earth—problems that are much more pressing than whether to charge six or seven figures for some oligarchs to take a pleasure trip.

 

We should not be lionizing either Branson or Bezos at all for what they’re paying to do. Luckily, I haven’t seen too much lionizing outside of the predictably dopey-dope morning news “Space Race!” stories. (Why investigate deeper or put these space flights in the context of their times when there’s a rhyming chyron that writes itself?)

 

There are already people who we should be lionizing for space travel: Astronauts. You know—people who have worked and studied for years and decades to get to space, rather than just paying for it. After Branson’s trip to space* ABC News interviewed the actual astronaut who went with him for about 3 seconds and cut her off at the end. Can’t waste valuable time interviewing someone who’s not a wind-burnt billionaire!

 

The whole stupid thing with the Virgin space plan is that it’s just another way for Branson to make money by selling trips into space for $250,000 a pop. So he’s ultimately doing it out of self-interest. I don’t find this inspirational. Maybe I’m just a cynical old person but I don’t dream of things like paying that amount of money to be weightless for a few minutes. I’d rather dream of things that are feasible on this plane of reality, and while I’m grateful for everything I have, there’s no way I’d ever be able to spare $250,000 for a space trip. If I ever did have a quarter of a million to spare, I’d probably just do something boring with it anyway, like donate to a bunch of food banks.

 

For just $28 million, you can travel to the Karman line at the edge of outer space and brag how you got higher than Branson. And you can count how many angels can dance on the head of a pin while you’re there, because those distinctions between altitudes, while scientifically important, mean little to us poor suckers on Earth. It’s Bezos who pisses me off more. Amazon has a long list of mistreating employees and avoiding taxes. I’m sure Bezos will announce some grandiose foundation to tackle the dire issues the peons on this planet are facing but you know how he could most effectively help? He can pay taxes, both on his own wealth and his company’s value, and let the government use that collective power in the service of our citizens. Again, call me old fashioned, but that’s another thing I believe in.

 

Bezos could also use some of that money to treat his employees better. I don’t know exactly how much he’s invested into going to space, but disseminating it to real people could probably go a long way to help the Amazon drivers who are pissing in bottles because they don’t have time to go to the bathroom.

 

Jeff Bezos is worth over $200 billion. That is an obscene amount of money that nobody could ever spend on themselves. He can afford to pay higher taxes, treat employees better, and do something better with his money.

 

Yeah, you might say, “It’s their money and they can do what they want with it.” But we live in country where a lot of people will glare at people in supermarkets who are using their EBT cards to pay for any food nicer than gruel. “Those are my tax dollars paying for that pork chop,” people huff. Let’s expand some of that financial scrutiny to people who are richer than Croesus yet do not pay their fair share of taxes—taxes they could easily pay and not even feel.

 

What will really rankle me is if people like Branson and Bezos and Elon Musk expect the public to fawn over them once they go to space, like they need another reward. If they’re rich enough to do all this stuff, they’ve already received their reward. As Don Draper told Peggy Olson, “That’s what the money is for.”

 

So these people can fight among themselves about who’s going to space first and roll around in their money, but don’t expect a parade. It’s hard to argue any of these people care about the public when they’re paying to leave the planet.