I'm not just a customer—I'm family!

Hello! Before we get to the other toasts, and the first dance, I’d like to say a few words, if I may.

 

First off, thank you so much for being so welcoming! I am so glad my $457/month lease of a gently used coupe entitles me to be a part of the Chrysler-Jeep-D’Ambrosio-Subaru-Dodge-Matt-Slap-See-Ya-in-a-Kia Family! When I signed those papers and upgraded to a heated brake pad (just an extra $37 a month!), I knew I was a part of something special! Your commercials guaranteed our kinship. I knew I was more than just a customer—I was family. That kind of validation is priceless.

 

I know I’m a recent addition to the family, so don’t worry about not having a seat for me or a place card. I’ll just squeeze in here next to Great-Aunt Doris and Cousin Derek. Oh, and I’ll have the salmon, if there’s an extra plate back there, thanks.

 

Anyway, what does family mean to me? It means being there—really being there—for one another to celebrate the milestones in life. That’s why when I saw the wedding invitation peeking from beneath some papers on the desk of my salesperson—hi, Mike!—I was only too glad to memorize the date, time and venue so I could show up here today. And I’ll continue to be there for all of you. I’ll be there next month for Mehghan’s confirmation at, as I overheard, St. Paul’s Episcopal. I’ll be there next summer when we celebrate all the graduations of the young people whose ages I have gleaned from the chatter around me.

 

And I’ll definitely be there for the christening of Carol and Andy’s first child! What’s that? Oh, I’m sorry. I jumped the gun, folks. Turns out Carol was going to wait until after the wedding to tell everybody so she wouldn’t steal any spotlight from her sister. Sorry, everybody! Blame it on the new guy.

 

But being a part of a family isn’t just about being there for the happy times. You need to be there to console each other when things are sad or hopeless. That’s why I’m going to be right there, tissues and a sympathetic shoulder on offer, whenever one of us passes away into the next world. I’ll be right there in the circle when we finally have an intervention for Uncle Dave’s obvious heroin problem. That’s why I’ll be there for every tough decision about elder care, so I’ll see you Monday at the meeting to discuss whether to put Grampa Tony in a home.

 

Oh, and if anyone can drive me to and from my colonoscopy next week, that would be great.

 

So cheers to Trish and Graydyn, and welcome to our fam—wait, why are you taking the microphone away? I’m not done yet! Y-you can’t do this to me! I’m family! You said I was family! Grandma Patti, help!