The state of the union is.

On Capitol Hill, the House, Senate, and Supreme Court are gathered for the State of the Union address.

 

Announcer: Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States!

 

To great applause, the president walks in, glad-handing everyone. Legislators scream and wave around New Year’s noisemakers and it is several minutes before he can speak.

 

President: Members of Congress and distinguished guests, we are faced in America with an unprecedented time of testing. A time of swirling evil and baleful cumulonimbus skies and hope that blinds us like the flare of an atom bomb. But I announce here tonight that the state of the union is. It is.

 

Applause.

 

President: For America is, my friends. America is and that’s all it needs to be. And that’s enough for the American people.

 

Wild applause for several minutes.

 

President: I am proud to announce tonight that the politics of failure have failed. We must make them work again!

 

Half the chamber applauds. The other half sit on their hands and scowl.

 

President: No longer will any American fear a medical bill will ruin them and consign them to financial hell. Therefore, I am asking Congress to completely overhaul the health insurance system. From now on, health insurance will be funded by lottery winnings. Americans will buy lottery tickets and the lucky winners will receive free health care for life. Rhinoplasty, pyoderma gangrenosum, ingrown toenails, cystic fibrosis—these will all be paid for.

 

Applause.

 

President: Now, there are many people who have come up to me in the hallways of the West Wing and tugged at my sleeves and said, “Waah, waah—how will we pay for this? It’s too expensive!” Well, nothing is too expensive for the American people. That’s why I’m proposing to pay for it with a 100% sales tax.

 

Applause begins, abates in confusion, and then rises again.

 

President: Before we go any further, I just want to recognize a special guest here tonight, Larry Sputnik. (Points to gallery.) Larry is here as my guest because he did something very special. Larry found on-street parking directly in front of Madison Square Garden during morning rush hour and was able to parallel park there in one fluid motion.

 

Everybody applauds Larry.

 

President: See, Larry had goals. He set his mind and was able to achieve something. That’s why I’m setting a goal here tonight: by the end of the decade, the United States will have a manned base on Jupiter.

 

Skeptical applause.

 

President: No, don’t tell me we can’t do it. Don’t one of you jackanapes tell me we can’t do it. “Oh, the atmosphere is poisonous and it’s too far!” Blah blah blah. America was built on “You Can and You Will.” Therefore, I hereby order all federal agencies to direct all their efforts to building this base on Jupiter. NASA, the Department of the Treasury, the Coast Guard, HUD—you’re all going to work together to build this base.

 

Enthusiastic applause.

 

President (yelling to be heard over applause): And you’re going to build it tout suite!

 

Deafening applause for several minutes.

 

President: But you want to know what really pisses me off? (Yelling from crowd.) You really want to know? (Louder yelling.) Streaming services are too expensive (bangs hand on lectern) and there are too (bang) damn (bang) many of them!

 

Bipartisan applause.

 

President: I mean, I can’t keep up with all this! You have one show on Apple + and one on Netflix and another on HBO Max! And none of these carry Mad Men anymore and I threw out my DVDs! And HBO Max is just deleting everything willy-nilly! I’m angry! (violently bangs hand on lectern) I’m calling for streaming reform now!

 

The president bangs his hand on the lectern many times, so hard that his hand bleeds and the wood splinters. The vice president and speaker of the House shield their faces from shrapnel. There is an apocalyptic level of cheering and applause.

 

President (after calming down): One more thing. I am dropping a neutron bomb on Paris. They know what they did.

 

Senator: No! Don’t do it!

 

President: I did it 35 minutes ago. God bless America.

 

The president turns to leave amidst Beatlemania-decibel cheering and applause. In the arrondissements, they sleep peacefully, unaware of the screaming death soon to fall on them.