I don’t care on any level about the breakup of Robert Pattinson and
Kristen Stewart. I have no interest in either of these people. I have
never had any interest in these people. I am not on Team Robert or Team
Kristen. I cannot imagine any situation in which I will be interested in
these celebrities at any point in the future or in any alternate
future. I have never read or seen any of the Twilight books or
movies and never plan on doing so. The romantic relationship between
these two people, or lack thereof, has absolutely no bearing whatsoever
on my life. It does not affect any physical, psychological, intellectual
or social aspect of my being. I am completely and totally uninterested
in any of the confirmed or speculated details about Stewart’s affair.
The male partner in her dalliance, as well as the timing and place, is
of no concern to me on a moral or any other level. I have complete and
total torpor toward Pattinson’s reaction to the affair or his subsequent
state of mind. Whether or not he eats pints of ice cream directly from
the carton or addresses his heartbreak on talk shows is beneath my
notice. Likewise, I have an adamant apathy vis-à-vis Stewart’s mental
state or potential level of despair following the altercation. On a more
practical note, I remain un-impacted regarding whether or not Stewart
will be removed from the Snow White sequel due to her infidelity.
I am not intrigued by the love lives of these people on a personal
level, on an ironic level, as a novelty, as camp, as kitsch, as
cautionary example, as a morality play, as celebrity gossip, as
Schadenfreude, as a reflection of contemporary values or as an insight
into the machinery of Hollywood. There is an impressive litany of
matters, both portentous and picayune, in which I am more invested than
the status of Pattinson and Stewart, although listing those matters
would involve an impressive amount of time and space. If I could
visually represent my interest in this celebrity couple, the resulting
graphic would be too small to detect with the naked eye. My disinterest
in these two is so extreme that if one were to graph it, it would appear
as a black hole, sucking in all light around it and threatening to pull
my interest in more relevant topics down with it. I have a total lack
of caring so powerful that it extends retroactively into the past so I
have never have read any article or seen any photo of Robert Pattinson
and Kristen Stewart. It would take a major act of will for me to give a
shit — an act of will so mammoth that it would kill me. My disinterest
is immense. It is legion. It is immutable. To sum up: I just. Don’t. Care.
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