I'm Not Ready

When I awoke this morning, the temperature outside was 29º. Frost covered the lawn. Across the street, a neighbor’s leftover “Happy Summer” banner mocked me. All this in mid-October.

A black hole of howling despair opened underneath me.

Once I pulled myself out of the fetal position, I realized how not ready I am for any of this to happen. I am not ready for this. A few weeks ago we had the central air on and now the heat is pumping and a terrifying winter is ahead. I’m not ready, Lord. I need time to prepare. I need time to steel myself for the cruelties of the season.

It will be at least a few weeks before the trauma of last winter’s snow totals have faded like scars from my soul. The snowfall was pretty much average for our area, which made it one of the worst winters in collective memory. I need a respite before the crucible begins again.

Yesterday, there was sleet in the air. Sleet. In October. Let the horror sink in. I saw the little ice crystals mixing with rain on my windshield. Luckily, I kept my wits about me and didn’t crash the car in a panic but my screams echoed loud and long.

You know what’s (OH GOD) next? You know what comes after (OH GOD DON’T SAY IT) sleet? Snow. Snow comes after sleet. If it had been a little colder, it would have (OH DEAR GOD) snowed yesterday.

This is our future. Gaze upon its white hell and despair.