Render Unto Jobs

At a conference room in Silicon Valley, multiple journalists are gathered to watch Apple officials unveil the company's latest product.

Tim Cook: Next on our agenda, from the company that brought you that amazing stylus for its cutting edge devices, we bring you ... the iSpatula.

A woman in a bikini walks around on stage showing off a sleek white spatula with the Apple logo. The journalists scream in delight.

Journalists (in creepy unison): Oooh! Ahhh!

Cook: With this revolutionary new device, you'll be able to scramble eggs and multitask on your Apple devices at the same time. You can sync iTunes on your iPhone, update your Facebook status on your Macbook Air and download apps on your iPad, all while cooking breakfast.

Journalist 1 (screaming): Unbelievable!

Journalist 2 (bellowing): This will transform the way we live — again!

Cook: For our next innovation, all Apple devices will now come without keyboards of any type. People will now just gesture and grunt and the sensors will pick that up and translate it into words.

Skeptical Journalist: But is that wise? A lot of computer users like to have some type of keyboard. Why are you changing this?

Cook (glares for several seconds before answering menacingly): Why? Because Apple said so.

The other journalists glower at the skeptic in their midst as he sinks in his chair in embarrassment.

Cook: And now for the big announcement you've all been waiting for (drum roll) ... the iPhone 7!

Huge movie screens flash images of the iPhone 7 while porn music plays. All the journalists leap to their feet and scream like teenagers at a Beatles concert in 1964.

Journalist 3: Oh my God! I can't take it!

Journalist 4 (speaking in tongues): Qwertyuiop! Asdfghjkl! Zxcvbnm!

Cook: That's right: a new iPhone. That means all those iPhone 6s are now obsolete. I know a lot of them are still being shipped but Apple has disabled those phones and will offer no refunds. When they arrive, they will no longer work. In fact, no iPhone of any generation will work anymore. By the time this presentation ends, they will all be bricks. People will just have to pony up for the iPhone 7 at a full cost of $799. A version with Swarovski crystals is available for just $1,599. 

Skeptical Journalist: Is that really fair to consumers? People already paid a lot for the iPhones and now you're asking them to pay again. This sounds like a tax.

Cook: "Fair to consumers"? Consumers will do what Apple tells them to do. Render unto Caesar what is due Caesar. Render unto Jobs what is due Jobs.

Skeptical Journalist: But ...

Journalists (screaming in unison): Render unto Jobs!

Security guards hustle the skeptical journalist out of the room. The other journalists pelt him with their iPhone 6s, which are paperweights now anyway.