Back(sp)lash

So many times on HGTV, home renovators will spend an inordinate amount of time deciding on and bickering about which kind of backsplash or countertops will go in their New Dream Kitchen. Should they get the interlocking mesh-mounted mosaic wall tile interlaid with diamonds, or the white quarry splitface interred with the preserved blood of Louis XIV? I have a lot of thoughts when I see people agonizing over this stuff. I wonder what kind of unfashionable barbarians these people would think we are with our Formica countertops and gym-shower-stall backsplash. I think, that ‘80s backsplash they’re vomiting at in disdain on TV looks dated now, but it was the future when the previous owners put it in. Your trendy polished-glass subway tile will someday go the way of popcorn ceilings, just like that old backsplash you’re disdaining. I want to tell these people on TV that we are overdue for an economic correction and it may again involve the housing market and when these people get laid off or go into bankruptcy or foreclosure, they’re going to wonder why they cared so much about backsplash or countertops. I think, why do we put so much consideration into a wall surface that we’re just going to be cleaning splattered tomato sauce off? It spatters just the same on quartz as on slate or travertine. I think, the sun has held the Earth in its embrace for billions of years and will do so for billions more. And despite all that humanity has achieved in that time, we are a blip, a stray eyelash on a cheek that the anthropomorphized universe wipes away without a second thought. And when I see a couple agonizing what backsplash to put in a kitchen that will see mostly pizza boxes, I feel just how small we are.