Lady Doritos

As I am not a woman, I cannot claim to speak for half the population. So can any of the women out there enlighten me and PepsiCo to an important question of our time:

What are your specific female snacking needs and how can we fulfill them?

PepsiCo was trying, designing a special brand of Lady Doritos. CEO Indra Nooyi seems to have her finger on that XX chromosome pulse. As she pointed out, when us dudes (well, not me, since I don’t like Doritos) strap on a pouch of Doritos like a feedbag and go to town, they lick that petroleum-based Cheez™ dust off their fingers. When they get to the end of the bag, they just turn the bag up and dump the little broken pieces of Cool Ranch in their grateful mouths.

Meanwhile, the fairer sex is a little more—how do you say?—genteel when shoving in some chips. As Nooyi says: “Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavour into their mouth.”

I definitely agree with this assessment. I’ve seen so many women I know whose faces flush with shame, not just rouge, when someone catches them at one of our parties crunching a little too loud. They must want to disappear into their whalebone corsets. I’m mortified on their behalf. The only thing that brings me more secondhand embarrassment is when our piano shows a little too much leg and I have to cover the legs.

Also, how can you put a bag of Doritos in your purse, Nooyi asks? Because if there’s one thing you ladyfolk love, it’s buying all your expensive Birkin bags and such and shoving chips in them, so you need the Doritos bags to be small enough to fit.

It looks like PepsiCo isn’t making these estrogen-injected Doritos after all, but it was still fun to speculate, wasn’t it? Of course, if the company did make them, the chips would be in pink bags, cost more than regular Doritos, and come with 70 percent of the chips men get, which is commensurate with how we treat women overall.