Whither Thomas Markle?

Is he going? Will Meghan Markle’s dad go to her wedding?! Will he walk her down the aisle?!? Will he?!?!? WIIIIIILL HEEEEEE?!?!?!??!!!!1!!!!

The world waits to know this information, and I am certainly also waiting with bated breath. Whither Thomas Markle? I woke up yesterday to have my birthday nearly ruined by the news that Meghan, the future Mrs. Prince Harry, had not yet spoken to her father, who had decided not to go to the wedding. But on the other hand, I have been heartened by the fact that Good Morning America has for the last two days led the half-hour with an extensive report on this made me assume that absolutely nothing else newsworthy was going on in the world, and that we had perhaps achieved world peace.

I was shattered when I saw those staged photos of Markle Père getting ready for the Windsor nuptials. How … how could he?! He staged photos and sold them to a common tabloid like a commoner? What a profound disgrace. This is the most embarrassing thing to beset Britain since Neville Chamberlain declared “peace in our time.” Staging tabloid photos for money before a Royal Wedding of the sixth in line to the throne simply isn’t done. One doesn’t do it.

I will go to a shop on High Street and buy some pearls just so I can have something to clutch. My eyes will widen in horror and I will drop my monocle into my highball and collapse onto my fainting couch.

And God knows what the Queen will do if Markle dares show his face at Windsor Chapel. I imagine she will suffocate him with her ermine or impale him with her Royal Crown. So I just don’t think he’ll have the heart to show up for the wedding. Think of the disgrace it would visit upon him and the next seven generations of his descendants.

But I could be wrong: Thomas Markle could show his devalued face under that vaulted ceiling and walk his daughter down to the Archbishop of Cantergloucesterburyshire and give her away to the Mountbatten-Windsors. So I’ll be watching starting at 4 a.m. Saturday, with fascinator on head and Princess Diana commemorative plate on lap. It is very important to me whether some British couple’s wedding goes according to plan.