Can You Spare an Heir?

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have spent the last several years telling the story of their separation from the House of Windsor in the form of an Oprah interview, a six-part Netflix documentary, a book by Prince Harry, and several more high-profile interviews to promote said book. It’s been a media onslaught.

 

But is this really enough? Have Harry and Meghan truly and fully maximized and monetized every format available to tell their story? I don’t know—they’ve done TV and print, but I see a bunch of missed opportunities in art forms they haven’t yet explored. So here are my suggestions so these two royal defectors can branch out and use the full range of the human artistic experience to express themselves.

 

Netflix documentary parts 7–12. I don’t know if six episodes truly delved into their pain. There must be more to explore. Highlights from these new installments will include extremely dramatic readings of royal text messages, lists of the couple’s top 10 favorite sovereigns of the United Kingdom (#1 may surprise you!), an exclusive look at their Netflix watch list, and more. True, by part 12 they will have exhausted the topic and it will just be an extended shot of Meghan looking out a window, but you’ll still watch it.

 

Can You Spare an Heir? Harry and Meghan: The Musical. Songs include “A Pauper at Balmoral” about Harry’s bedroom being smaller than William’s at the royal retreat in Scotland, “It’s No Queen Anne Chair but It’ll Do” about Meghan having to use her credit card to buy a sofa when the couple struck out on their own, and “A Tumble in the Field and a Pat on the Rump” about Harry’s first sexual experience with a woman behind a bar. Starring Hugh Jackman and Audra McDonald.

 

Prince Harry vs. Prince William pay-per-view fight. The two will reenact their fight from the Spare book, where William pushed his brother down, breaking his necklace and the dog’s bowl. This will be a brilliant example of conflict resolution between two adults, including one who will someday rule the United Kingdom and advise its prime ministers.

 

Princesses Don’t Cry. In the style of Akira Kurosawa’s Rashomon, this movie will rehash the incident during Meghan’s wedding planning—when she either made Kate cry or Kate made her cry—told from the point of view of several different characters. For all fans of 40-year-old women bickering over stupid high-school bullshit. Starring Zendaya and Florence Pugh.

 

A podcast on all this. Because there’s always a podcast.

 

Neither a King nor a King Bed art exhibit. This will be a multimedia exhibit memorializing the trauma of Camilla turning 28-year-old Harry’s former childhood bedroom into a dressing room. It will feature life-sized recreations of the room's before and after designs, which patrons can walk through, ending with Harry’s papier-mâché representation of Camilla as an evil stepmother.

 

Spare Suit: The Album. Side 1 is Harry singing the text of his book. Side 2 is Meghan singing the script of a Suits episode. Heart-breaking and evocative.

 

Ask the Cambridges. William and Kate give their advice to anyone with a dilemma. Let’s hope they’re as spot-on as when they advised Harry to wear a swastika armband to that “natives and colonials” theme party. This advice column will be great for anybody so clueless that they need help choosing between A) the Nazi costume and B) anything else.

 

Prince Harry: Afghan Killer video game. You can play as Harry with the goal of killing 25 Taliban fighters. This will feature a voiceover as Harry spills all the real-life details. Veterans love this stuff!

 

 

Are you done your Valentine's Day shopping yet?

Whew! I’m thrilled to report to everyone that I am finally done my shopping for Valentine’s Day!

 

Yeah, I was a little late getting it done this year but sometimes, life interferes. I started as early as possible. I woke up early the day after Christmas and was banging on the door of the supermarket waiting for them to open so I could buy the candy hearts they had just put out in place of the Christmas stuff. The employees looked a little annoyed but I won’t apologize—there were only 51 shopping days until Valentine’s Day and that really isn’t as much time as you’d think.

 

So I rushed right in as they opened the supermarket and bought as many boxes of chocolate and candy hearts as they had. I did see a few errant Christmas candies that I guess the supermarket employees didn’t have enough time to clear out (not to complain, but they did have plenty of notice that Dec. 26 was coming!) and I considered buying a few because they were half-price and wrapped in red foil, so they could double as Valentine’s Day candies. But I decided against it. Christmas candies are no substitute for Valentine’s Day and should be thrown in the trash immediately when Dec. 25 ends.

 

I only got a dozen or so candies from the store that day so I had to go elsewhere to complete my haul of heart-shaped boxes. Like many people, I have a very large Valentine’s shopping list consisting of a few dozen loved ones so it takes a long time to buy for everyone. I spend at least $100 per person on candy and stuffed teddy bears and greeting cards.

 

I had to go to so many stores but last Friday, I finally bought the last of my Valentine’s Day haul! I spread all the candy hearts out under the still-blinking Christmas tree and just sat and enjoyed the sight of them. Now I get to sit back and relax for the next five weeks until the big day, Feb. 14, finally arrives. I’ll laugh at all those idiots who think they can just start shopping in February, like it’s nothing.

 

And on Feb. 15, all those red hearts on supermarket shelves go into the incinerator and it’s onto Easter! I’ll rest up now for that lengthy shopping odyssey.

Hi, I'm George Santos (or am I?)

My name is George Santos* and I’m so excited to take my seat in the House of Representatives today! While today is a day of celebration, I am aware that there are a few little inconsistencies in my biography. I’d like to address those all today and clear the air. There is a simple explanation for each.

 

First, let me clear up the question of my employment. People heard me say I worked for “Goldman Sachs” and “Citigroup.” I’m afraid this was a case of people mishearing what I said. I actually worked for Goldman Sax, a mom-and-pop business that sells saxophones. I also worked for City Group, a monorail sales company, where I’ve sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook. People need to listen closer.

 

I also said I went to Baruch College, New York University, and Horace Mann prep school. I actually got my GED and didn’t go to college. But who doesn’t embellish their resume just a little? Is it really an ethical problem to tell a prospective employer you graduated when you didn’t?

 

I also claimed my avó survived the Holocaust. I guess I misspoke but I did watch Shoah—well, most of it. Doesn’t that count? I’ve used the name Zabrovsky in the past but we’re not actually Ukrainian or Jewish at all. I guess I was just caught up in all the pro-Ukraine fervor when Russia invaded. But my heart was in the right place.

 

While I’m on the subject of my racial and ethnic background, I am of Brazilian descent, not Caucasian and African, as I once said. Here’s my thought process on this: Africa is the cradle of humanity, so in a sense, we all came from that continent, right?

 

No, my mother did not survive being at the Twin Towers on 9/11. But really, didn’t we all survive 9/11? It was something we all went through and it brought the whole country together.

 

It’s also come out that despite claiming falsely that I own a bunch of real estate, that I’ve been evicted multiple times and caused thousands of dollars in damages to the places I’ve lived in. I’d like to take this moment to distract everyone by saying this: landlords—UGH, am I right?

 

Some people might say that despite being gay, I never revealed until recently that I had been married to a woman. What is true is that I’ve always been proud to be gay and to support the LGBTQ community. That’s what I’ve found a home in the Republican Party, where an impressive 39 GOP House members—nearly 20 percent of the caucus—voted to protect my apparent current marriage with my husband.

 

Now, there have also been reports that I self-funded my campaign with $700,000, despite having recently reported $50,000 in income and no assets. There is also a report that I spent $43,000 on air travel for my campaign, which might seem excessive when running for a geographically small district on Long Island. Pay no attention to any of these. I’ll explain them in two weeks. There’s no reason for anyone to think this was money laundering. None at all.

 

Here's who I am: I’m a hard worker who’s going to do the best for his constituents, and I also invented Post-It notes. You can trust me on that or my name isn’t George Santos.*

 

* Devolder