Can You Spare an Heir?

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have spent the last several years telling the story of their separation from the House of Windsor in the form of an Oprah interview, a six-part Netflix documentary, a book by Prince Harry, and several more high-profile interviews to promote said book. It’s been a media onslaught.

 

But is this really enough? Have Harry and Meghan truly and fully maximized and monetized every format available to tell their story? I don’t know—they’ve done TV and print, but I see a bunch of missed opportunities in art forms they haven’t yet explored. So here are my suggestions so these two royal defectors can branch out and use the full range of the human artistic experience to express themselves.

 

Netflix documentary parts 7–12. I don’t know if six episodes truly delved into their pain. There must be more to explore. Highlights from these new installments will include extremely dramatic readings of royal text messages, lists of the couple’s top 10 favorite sovereigns of the United Kingdom (#1 may surprise you!), an exclusive look at their Netflix watch list, and more. True, by part 12 they will have exhausted the topic and it will just be an extended shot of Meghan looking out a window, but you’ll still watch it.

 

Can You Spare an Heir? Harry and Meghan: The Musical. Songs include “A Pauper at Balmoral” about Harry’s bedroom being smaller than William’s at the royal retreat in Scotland, “It’s No Queen Anne Chair but It’ll Do” about Meghan having to use her credit card to buy a sofa when the couple struck out on their own, and “A Tumble in the Field and a Pat on the Rump” about Harry’s first sexual experience with a woman behind a bar. Starring Hugh Jackman and Audra McDonald.

 

Prince Harry vs. Prince William pay-per-view fight. The two will reenact their fight from the Spare book, where William pushed his brother down, breaking his necklace and the dog’s bowl. This will be a brilliant example of conflict resolution between two adults, including one who will someday rule the United Kingdom and advise its prime ministers.

 

Princesses Don’t Cry. In the style of Akira Kurosawa’s Rashomon, this movie will rehash the incident during Meghan’s wedding planning—when she either made Kate cry or Kate made her cry—told from the point of view of several different characters. For all fans of 40-year-old women bickering over stupid high-school bullshit. Starring Zendaya and Florence Pugh.

 

A podcast on all this. Because there’s always a podcast.

 

Neither a King nor a King Bed art exhibit. This will be a multimedia exhibit memorializing the trauma of Camilla turning 28-year-old Harry’s former childhood bedroom into a dressing room. It will feature life-sized recreations of the room's before and after designs, which patrons can walk through, ending with Harry’s papier-mâché representation of Camilla as an evil stepmother.

 

Spare Suit: The Album. Side 1 is Harry singing the text of his book. Side 2 is Meghan singing the script of a Suits episode. Heart-breaking and evocative.

 

Ask the Cambridges. William and Kate give their advice to anyone with a dilemma. Let’s hope they’re as spot-on as when they advised Harry to wear a swastika armband to that “natives and colonials” theme party. This advice column will be great for anybody so clueless that they need help choosing between A) the Nazi costume and B) anything else.

 

Prince Harry: Afghan Killer video game. You can play as Harry with the goal of killing 25 Taliban fighters. This will feature a voiceover as Harry spills all the real-life details. Veterans love this stuff!